LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN OF AWESOME

LOST came back to us (again) last Thursday. To sum it up in three words.

Oh.

Hell.

Yes.


YAYS! I'M A SMOKE MONSTER!

SURVIVOR

(Spooooooooilers, nothing more than Spooooooooilers!)


Last Week on... SURVIVOR

Team Fo'Shizzle
Alexis
Amanda
Cirie
Erik
James
Jason
Natalie
Parvati

Guess what? Chopping out Ozzie has repercussions! Who'dathunk? For example, James and Amanda are both pissed at Parvati for, you know, stabbing their alliance in the throat. Parvati does her best to make nice with James, but James isn't fooled. He hasn't been fooled from the beginning, but he was willing to put up with her pretty face and the opportunity to coast with the power four-some. But now that's all been screwed.

Amanda is just as ticked as James, but because she's a jellyfish in people form, she just kind of smiles and nods and accepts Parvati's apology. She says it's so Parvati won't know she's mad at her, but it would appear it's NOT so Amanda can blindside her, but rather so Parvati will still allow Amanda to hang out.

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Survivor Auction! Sweeeeet! These are always great, because someone winds up blowing most of their money on junk. First winner is Jason, who picks up a hot dog to eat. The first thing is usually pretty good, and then the second one is junk, because then everyone bids out of their mind for trash. Erik bids a crazy amount of money for a mystery item and is then allowed to trade out. He chooses to and it's a good thing, because mystery item two?? Glass Jar Full O' Octopus. Instead he trades up for a big plate of nachos. At least it wasn't betel nut, right Erik?

Natalie is the next sucker, buying herself a nice big covered bowl of bat soup. Natalie blanches and walks away, then James swoops in and eats it for free. Undeterred, Natalie bids on next item and wins a glass bottle with a note in it. The Note allows her to send one person immediately to Exile Island and take all of their money. She immediately sends Jason, who begs not to go, but is sent anyway once Natalie finds out the Immunity Idol has been re-hidden. With Jason's stolen money Natalie swoops in and buys a gigantic chocolate cake. Without hesitation she picks Cirie, Parvati and Alexis to eat it with her. Boy, how close are YOU to the rest of the group Amanda? Erik, who apparently doesn't know what personal boundaries are, then gives Cirie $40 to SUCK the Chocolate off of Cirie's FINGERS. Ewwwww.

Well, Natalie has finally started doing interviews and BOY does she have a lot to say. In fact, she basically dominates the entire episode. Oh, and she does NOT think well of Jason. I picked that up the 8th time she called him "bitch" in a 30 second interview. She's pretty sure he's going to find the Idol, but if he does she can use that to her advantage.

How? Glad you asked. When Jason returns Natalie will convince him that they are friends, and that James is going home that night, as long as he doesn't win the Immunity Challenge. That way, he won't play the idol even if he has it. Then the women will split their votes, so if Jason doesn't play the idol, he's going home. But if he does then James will go home. Provided he doesn't win the-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE
The first four people to break a clay tile and drop their pieces to the ground advance to round two. The first two people to untie their pieces, assemble them into a wheel and use that wheel to lower two boards onto their table advance to the final round. The first person to use those boards to cross a water pit, and then cross another gap on paddles and touch a pole is your winner. Advancing through the first round are Jason, James, Erik and Amanda. So, the four girls most in control of the game all fail to advance to even the second round. Advancing to the third round are Erik and James. The Female Four all hold their breath as James and Erik race across the pit. They need Erik to win so that their plan can work. Because see, they WON'T vote out Erik tonight, because it's his birthday. Get that? They'll lie, break alliances and go through people's clothing to see if they have immunity idols, but heaven forbid they vote you out on your birthday. ...that is the mind of a woman.

Happy Birthday To Erik! James loses one of his boards and that gives Erik enough of a lead that even James' super human leap at the end can't close the distance. The women go back to camp ecstatic that their plan is succeeding.

Now, here's what I don't really understand. Amanda knows about this plan. She knows the full details. James isn't dumb, he knows he's the fall guy if Jason plays the idol. Why the two of them don't go to Jason and try to swing Erik and go after Pavarti is beyond me.

Instead they just sit and wait. And Natalie goes to Jason and listens to him brag about how awesome he is for finding the Idol and how much he appreciates the alliance they must have since she sent him to go find it. And she just smiles and smiles and smiles. She then tells the camera that she finds it a little troubling that she can be this manipulative and backstabbing and do it all with a smile on her face. And then she smiles. A little creepy. That and the 80th spider b-roll footage they trot out.

TRIBAL COUNCIL
Wow, Ozzie is not happy to be on the jury. Hello Pixelated Middle Finger! Probst questions Jason on whether or not he's making more friends. Jon Bon Dopey smiles and says "oh yeah, everything's awesome now." Cirie's eyes almost roll out of her head. Natalie then smiles and agrees that anyone (just not Jason) can change their place in the game (just not Jason) and win people over (just not Jason). James, knowing that he's in trouble, comments on how "the social butterflies" have done their work and now have all the power. And then he Sells Parvati Down The River by naming her as the brains behind Ozzie's ousting. Cue reaction shot of Ozzie cursing.

With everyone sufficiently in a tizz, Probst calls for the vote. Jason is given the opportunity to use his immunity idol. This is his chance to save himself. He could possibly go on a winning streak after this, since none of the women are a threat to him, and keep himself safe up until the final four. But remember, Jason Is Stupid. So he doesn't play the idol.

Jason. James. James. Parvati (James' vote). James. Jason. Jason. Annnnd JASON!

OHHHHHHHHHHH WE'RE HALF WAY THERRRRRRRRRRRRE! OOHHHHHHHHHHHHH-OHHHHHHHHH!!!


BONADUCE SLAM!

ELIMINATED
Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)
Yau-man (Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)
Jonathon (Favorites)
Chet (Fans)
Kathy (Fans)
Tracy (Fans)
Ami (Favorites)
Eliza (Favorites)
Ozzie (Favorites)
Jason (Fans)

Two Immunity Idol holders, two blindsides. If you GET the idol, USE the idol.

NEXT WEEK!
James almost loses his finger to disease and the Survivors are re-united with their families. WHY isn't Erik's brother more pumped to meet Jeff Probst?

SURVIVOR

(I'M NOT YOUR SPOILERS, BUDDY! I'M NOT YOUR BUDDY, SPOILERS!)



Last Week on... SURVIVOR

Team Fo'Shizzle
Alexis
Amanda
Cirie
Erik
James
Jason
Natalie
Ozzie
Parvati

When we last left the group, Eliza had just been given the boot despite having *snicker* the hidden Immunity Idol crudely carved stick. Everyone has a good laugh before some people question Jason about what he was doing giving her the idol. Jason's like, what? I don't have any other allies here, what was I going to do? And really, you can't fault him for that.

What you can fault him for is being a knob, which is what Jason continually comes across as. He's like the Bo Bice of this season. Sure, he COULD win, but no one's really going to be happy if he does. Especially if he keeps bragging about beating Ozzie. You know why he was able to hold his breath longer? Because the majority of his brain cells are already dead. Don't believe me? We'll get to that in a bit.

REWARD CHALLENGE!
The 9 players will be split into 2 groups of 4, the one person who is not picked will be sent to Exile Island until the Immunity Challenge. The two teams will, one at a time, race through a watery obstacle course out to a puzzle. After studying the puzzle, the players will race back and try to replicate the puzzle back on the beach. First team to finish wins a trip to the island nation of Yap where they can hang out with Abigail Breslin and Jodie Foster. ... wait, sorry, that's Nim's Island, my bad. The usual feasting and dancing will commence upon their arrival.

I thought this was interesting, What's-her-face was one of the two team captains again. She's just lucky I guess. Oh, and can I once again mention that Natalie has YET to do an interview, and no one has even passingly mentioned her name for voting off yet? This girl is going DEEP into the competition.

So the teams are Jason, Ozzie, Erik (natch) and Amanda (also natch) versus Natalie, James, Parvati (natch) and Alexis. Poor Cirie is sent off to Exile, which I'm sure made her all kinds of pleased.

The race is pretty back and forth as after 26 days or so of little sleep everyone's brain is a little fried. The funniest part is James who stands looking at the puzzle for a loooong time, then rushes back to confidently put up ONE piece. Everyone is putting up 5 or 6 at a time, but at least James seemed sure about his. Thanks to a little sideline coaching from her team though, Amanada is able to finish the puzzle and send her boyfriend, his boyfriend and Jason to Yap.

Yap is a fantastic little place. Survivor really does find the most interesting places to expose the tribe members to, and you get the feeling that, yes, Survivor is about making the producers money and creating an entertaining show, but there always seems to be at least an effort of education and cultural awareness in each season.

Erik is getting very culturally aware at the moment. The women of Yap do not wear tops and Erik's eyes are practically falling out of his head trying to scope all of the pixelated flesh. "That's the most boobs I've ever seen in my whole life," says Erik. Really? The Ice Cream Scooper who looks like an extra from Prefontaine doesn't see a lot of action? Shock me, shock me, shock me.

Erik then proceeds to get sick on beer and betel nut, which, to me, is hilarious.

What's not hilarious is Cirie on Exile. Exile Island must be directly under the world's largest rain cloud, because the weather always seems to be bad there. Plus, there are leaves, and we know how Cirie feels about leaves. We see just enough of Cirie to know she's miserable before they leave her to suffer in peace.

Also suffering, though not in peace, is James. James is a good guy. He has a strong work ethic, and he doesn't like lazy people. So of course he's been stuck with Alexis, Natalie and Parvati, who are sleeping while he's working. Not a guy for subtlety, James goes through his morning routine as noisily as possible. Hacking logs, breaking them against other logs, loudly sharpening the hatchet, any thing he can do to wake up the women. Just as he about to hook up the Jackhammer, Parvati rolls over and chastises him for being loud! I wonder why he's making so much noise Parv, maybe because it's NOON and he spent all night keeping the fire going for the three of you! James vents to the camera about how annoying the girls are and, I gotta tell you, he was holding that bucket of water the whole time and I would have SWORN he was going to go back to camp and dump it on the three girls.

The victors return to camp and Ozzie immediately begins running his mouth about the food. Which is a stupid move. Three things will get you booted from this game with a quickness:
1) Laziness
2) Gluttony
3) Bragging.

Every year someone falls into the trap of combining 2 and 3, bragging about their reward meal, and almost every year that comes back to haunt them.

REWARD CHALLENGE
I've seen this one before too. Shii Ann won it in All Stars, keeping herself alive and in the game. Each player has to stand on a platform with their hand cuffed to a chain. The chain is connected to a tub of water. When the player can no longer keep their arm in the air, the tub of water spills on them, eliminating them.

The players are out on the platforms for about a half hour before Probst brings out the first temptation, a big bowl of candy. Now, I like candy, but I don't like it a $1,000,000 worth. But Cirie and Erik LOVE candy and agree to jump off together. Says James, "What in the Nicklodeon is going on here?" A little more time passes and Probst comes out with another plate. Alexis is so excited, she pulls her chain before Probst even reveals what it is. Probst then tells her, smiling the whole time, that this means she can't HAVE what's on the plate, since she didn't wait for him to make an offer. I don't know if Alexis would have been as sad if Probst had shot her father right in front of her.

No one takes the cookie, but Natalie suddenly loses concentration and spills her water. James has a good laugh, then slips himself. All you can say at that moment is, "Aw, bitch!" Which is what he says.

Probst then brings out a trio of chocolate donuts which Ozzie gladly takes. This is not a terrible move on his part, since Ozzie has the hidden immunity idol, so he should be safe from an elimination attempts. The last three hang in and hang in and hang in. Around the 4 hour mark Amanada asks permission to step down so that she doesn't pee herself. Now, again, $1,000,000 is worth a little of my own urine if you ask me, but no one ever does, so Amanada wets her self and then runs to avoid wetting herself.

So we're down to Parvati and Jason and when they hit the 5 hour mark Probst brings out a smorgasbord. Beer, pizza, candy, cookies, donuts, candy bars and milk. Who ever steps down not only gets the food but gets to share it with everyone else. Parvati gets in Jason's ear about how giving everyone that food could really win him some friends. Jason seems doubtful at first, but then Natalie says she won't vote for him if he steps down. Slowly everyone agrees. Of course, Jason can't see that they have their fingers crossed when they say it, but he should KNOW they don't mean it. But, you know what? He should have KNOWN that he had found a stick rather than the immunity idol, too. But Jason is stupid. And so he steps down and Parvarti wins.

Good-bye Young Bon Jovi. You are going down in a blaze of glory.

Or maybe not. Cirie, probably still ticked about the way Ozzie treats people, sees this as a perfect opportunity to cut Ozzie out of the game. So she gathers up Jason, Alexis, Natalie and Parvati and tells them the plan. Parvati has to decide then if she's going to kick out Ozzie now, who she'll lose against if he makes the final, or if she's going to stay true to her long running Favorites Alliance and get rid of Jason. I guess we'll see at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Jason is grilled for his move and rightfully so, he sacrificed immunity for the slim chance that people will like him for the food he won them. As James puts it "If you offer someone a donut and they say they won't vote for you because of it, it don't always mean they won't vote for you. Sometimes they just want the damn donut." Man, I love James. I'm going to miss him when he's inevitably voted out next week.

Ozzie, feeling paranoid before they headed to Tribal Council thought about bringing the hidden immunity idol with him, but apparently he left it at home, because he doesn't play it before the vote. We see James vote for Jason as he says "And I thought I was the stupidest Survivor ever," and at first it looks like James is right. The votes go Jason, Ozzie, Jason, Jason, Ozzie, Jason, Ozzie, Ozzie annnnnd Ozzie!?!! No one can believe it, especially Ozzie.


*sniff* Good-by King of Atlantis. Sleep well, my prince.

Ozzie leaves looking PISSED, and says in his send-off clip that who ever voted against him, "I pretty much hate you right now." So I would not count on Cirie or Parvati getting his million dollar vote.

ELIMINATED
Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)
Yau-man (Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)
Jonathon (Favorites)
Chet (Fans)
Kathy (Fans)
Tracy (Fans)
Ami (Favorites)
Eliza (Favorites)
Ozzie (Favorites)

Once again Ozzie relied on his skills rather than his brains to get him through the competition, and once again he was outwitted by someone else. Maybe All-Stars II will be his lucky break.

NEXT WEEK
One Alpha Male down, look out James!!

Prediction Time!
Your final four will be:
Cirie
Jason
Natalie
Parvati.

Your picks??

CATCHING SOME RAYS

Discovery.com recently had an article about the latest hitch in manned travel to Mars.

No, it's not America's inability to build a shuttle that's less fragile than a kite made from balsa wood and wet Kleenex.

It's not the recent report that astronauts were going into space drunk.

Or spending their "Earth time" plotting the murder of their ex-lover's lover.

No, this one is actually pretty good. It's Cosmic Rays, and they're powerful enough to penetrate both the shuttle walls and the astronaut's flesh. Which is bad news for the astronauts because that's where they keep most of their important organs. When astronauts are on Earth, or the Moon, or even on Mars, many of these rays will be blocked by the planetary body. But in the actual space part of space, the cosmic rays are able to come from any angle. This would be less of a problem if NASA had taken my recommendation about using convicts to populate the space program, but instead they're still using Eagle Scouts, MENSA members, the occasional aged Senators and other people deemed as "important" and "contributing members of society" who shouldn't be bombarded constantly by poisonous space radiation.

Still, are we being too paranoid about all of this? Sure, Cosmic Rays can give you cancer, but aren't there benefits as well? Let's not forget these four:



Just, uh, you know, ignore the giant monster with the orange, craggy skin. After all, there's only a one-in-four chance that'll happen.

HANSON

The Finance' and I went to see Hanson on Sunday night. They were FANTASTIC.

Yes, they did MMM bop (acoustically) and yes they have more than that song. They actually played for over an hour and a half just going from song to song to song.

If you ever have a chance to see them, go. It's a great show.

Though the audience does skew a little young.


YAYS!
...maybe not that young.

SURVIVOR

... ...
...
...
*ahem*
sorryaboutthat.
SPOILERS!!
Last Week on... SURVIVOR

Team Ozzie:
Ozzie
Amanda
Cirie
Erik

Team Who:
Natalie
Alexis
Eliza
James
Jason
Parvati

Team Ozzie once again makes the miserable march back from Tribal Council, which at this point they could probably do in the dark. Everyone is bummed that Ami is gone, except for Erik. "How the hell am I still here?" he asks. I don't know. And if it were up to The Fiancee you wouldn't be. Get a hair cut.

The next morning we find the two least liked members of Team Who? (Jason and Eliza) sitting around discussing how little they are liked. Then the running joke of the episodes starts, as Jason informs Eliza that he has the hidden immunity idol. Now, Jason DOES NOT have the hidden immunity idol. He has a Stick. But he doesn't know that, and Eliza, who has yet to see Jason's idol, doesn't know that either. So he's excited and she's excited, and Jamie's excited as well.



The Confederation of Dunces couldn't be formed at a more appropriate time, because that day everyone gets the memo that it is time to MERGE. In a little bit of a cruel twist, everyone is ordered to pack up all of their things and row out to a new island. Once they arrive they are then instructed to pick one of their old islands to live on. Everyone picks The Favorite's beach instead of the Alcatraz copy Team Who? who had been trying to live on. So now they have to row everything BACK to that island (including the chickens. Heyyyyyy chickens.) and set everything back up again.

The new tribe is named by Erik, who tells everyone that "Dabu" is the Micronesian word for "good". He then reveals to the camera that "Dabu" is actually the Micronesian word for "Non-Micronesian Gibberish." "I could have named the tribe Maumau or Foshizzle, and I think they would have gone along with it." So from here on out, they will be Team Foshizzle.

The merge, as always, brings along some sticky entanglements. Erik, who has never met a hyperbole that he doesn't like, has sworn fealty to Ozzie for "saving his life." Eliza and Jason are stuck because Ami was voted out instead of Erik and that leaves them without an ally. Good thing they have that hidden immunity idol. *snicker* And while Eliza and Jason struggle to find another friend, Parvati is struggling with an overabundance. There's her original alliance of James, Ozzie and Amanda. Then there's her Team Who? alliance of Amanda, Alexis and what's-her-face. "I should just go and make an alliance with Eliza and Erik and have everyone mad at me," she jokes.

Good thing she's laughing about it, cause Amanda is not happy with suddenly being in an alliance with what's-her-face and Alexis. Especially with Alexis. Why? Because Survivor is like High School and Alexis is the transfer student that's suddenly catching the eye of your boyfriend. "Baby, I'm just showing her around the school." And that's not cool, cause the back seat of his car at the drive-in has nothing to DO with school, but at least you're still popular and a cheerleader and she's not, but then you come to cheerleading practice one day and there she is. And now they're talking about putting HER on the top of the pyramid, even though they promised you that spot over the summer. And the head cheerleader doesn't care, cause she's the head cheerleader and new girl isn't trying to steal her boyfriend.

So while "Head Cheerleader" Parvati is yuckin' it up, "Second Favorite Cheerleader" Amanda is sulking. But, we have to remember that Amanda is also a bit of a doormat, so she goes right along with the plan. She's going to "I don't know, what do you want to do" herself right out of a million bucks again this year.

Carrying on the Cheerleader metaphor if I can, and I will, Eliza is the dorky girl that lives on the same street as the head cheerleader and she thinks they're buddies cause they used to play together in elementary school, but what she doesn't know is that's just cause their mothers work together and there weren't any other kids their age that lived on the street. So now they're in High School and Eliza's all, hey Parvati, we're still on for that sleep over right? And Parvati's like, ohhhhh right, yeah, um, we can't. And Eliza's all, why not? And Parvati's looking at her feet and going, ummm... my house burned down. And, uh, you're probably allergic to my cat. And Eliza is starting to get worried and is like, well, we could just have it at my house then, and you can bring any of your friends over if you want, and my mom would order pizza. And Parvati just sorta mumbles and says she'll check.

...man, I gotta stop writing these metaphors, they make me sad on the inside.

So Eliza is sweating her position in the game and for good reason, but along comes Jason Bon Jovi who promises to give her his hidden immunity idol *snicker* if he wins individual immunity. That makes Eliza very happy because he's a boy and he's talking to her and they're PROBABLY going to get married. Or at least go to Prom.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Probst welcomes the new tribe and tries not to snicker when they tell him what Dabu "means". You can't fool Probst. Today's challenge? WATERBOARDING!! Ha-ha-ha-ha, you're outside of the U.S. suckas, and outside the reach of the Geneva Convention! Last person's brain to snap is the winner. The final three are James, Ozzie (natch) and Jason. James finally cracks under the pressure and it comes down to Ozzie and Jason. In a shocker, Jason pulls out an upset over The Dauphin of Atlantis. Ozzie actually comes out of the water looking like the ocean has betrayed him. You almost can't hear Probst congratulating Jason over the sound of Erik's sobbing.

Back at Camp Foshizzle, Jason is pumped about having won individual immunity over Ozzie. Maybe a little too pumped. Truth be told, he's kind of being a little cocky about it, especially for a guy that's currently hiding a stick like it's nuclear armament codes and not, you know, a stick. Eliza gets on his case about his promise and he tells her its in his backpack. Opening it up Eliza does a double take as she, unlike Jason, realizes she is holding a dirty napkin and a stick. You can hear her hopes being crushed from the Mainland.

Again, a metaphor. The dorky girl has finally met a boy that will give her the time of day. They went out a couple of times, hormones got the better of them, and now the girl has made a frightening discovery and her world has been turned upside down. Eliza confronts Jason about the idol, but this is what I heard.

Eliza- I'm pregnant.
Jason- No you're not.
Eliza- Yes. Yes I am.
Jason- We only did it, like, one time.
Eliza- That's enough.
Jason- You can't be pregnant.
Eliza- But I'm LATE.
Jason- Yeah, but you were on top. And that's scientifically impossible.
Eliza- Says who?
Jason- Says, you know, science.
Eliza- What science?
Jason- Hell if I know.
Eliza- Well... what if I am pregnant?
Jason- Sheeeesh, that's a toughie.
Eliza- Well, what am I going to do? I'd have to leave school!
Jason- Wow, I don't know. Well, I've got a scholarship, so I'm pretty good.

Which brings us to-
THE DOCTOR'S OFFI-
TRIBAL COUNCIL!

Eliza tries to make a case for keeping herself around in that she IS obnoxious and disliked (you know that sir) and that's how you win Survivor, by taking a less popular person with you. James says that's basically the first rule of winning Survivor. Heck, it cost Ozzie a million. Some heat is also thrown Alexis' way for being a "triple threat" of social, mental and physical skill. Alexis counters that anyone that's made it this far has to have at least two of those three skills. Everyone finally goes off to vote and Probst asks if anyone would like to play the hidden immunity idol.

AND ELIZA PLAYS IT.

Now keep in mind, she knows it is a stick. She knows in the very CORE of her being that it is a stick. But she is So Very Desperate that she is willing to ignore everything she knows about reason and play it any way. And that my friends, is how you get a Missile Defense System approved.

Probst gives his little speech about "hidden immunity blah blah blah" but you can't hear it over Ozzie and James howling like hyenas. I thought James was going to pass out from joy right then and there. Probst then tosses the stick into the fire, much to Ozzie's mock dismay. "Jeff, c'mon, that took hours to make." More laughing from James before Probst reads the votes.

Ozzie, Eliza, Ozzie, Eliza, Eliza, Aliza(?), Eliza, Eliza annnnnnnnd Eliza.


Oh, 'ell!

Sorry Eliza, at least the Rain in Spain still stays Mainly on the Plain.

ELIMINATED
Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)
Yau-man (Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)
Jonathon (Favorites)
Chet (Fans)
Kathy (Fans)
Tracy (Fans)
Ami (Favorites)
Eliza (Favorites)

NEXT WEEK!
Son of a... I actually can't remember. Let's say... Alexis and Ozzie cuddle some more, James crushes something with his hands and Erik uses another hyperbole. That sounds about right.

SURVIVOR

Sorry for the delay, things pass slower on the island. Good news, you get back to back days with Survivor Reviews. Bad news, some of you don't like the Survivor Reviews. Worse news, SPOILERS!!

Last Week on... SURVIVOR

Team Ozzie:
Ozzie
Alexis
Amanda
Cirie
Erik

Team Who:
Natalie
Ami
Eliza
James
Jason
Parvati

Team Ozzie returns to camp after voting out Tracy with Ozzie still muttering about not being the leader of the tribe. No offense Ozzie, but look to your right. Now look to your left. Do you see anyone else leading this rag tag group? Guess that makes you the leader.

Later that night, Ami and Cirie go crab hunting to get some meat. It's just crabs, but you'd think Ami was slaying dragons the way she's screaming as she flails away with her machete.

While Team Ozzie is losing all the time and eating crab, Team Who? is winning but eating rat. That's right, rat. Jason, aka "Young Bon Jovi", spots a rat near the camp while the rest of the group is dreaming about food. Crushing it with an oar, he proceeds to HANG IT UP BY IT'S PAWS. It's hilarious and sad at the same time, which makes it all the more hilarious. Despite his rat squashing ways, Parvati still thinks he's a loser. Probably because he didn't know her name during the pick-'em. Of course, he WAS dumb enough to take Ozzie's fake idol, so she might be right. James, meanwhile, thinks they're all losers for being stuck on this island. "This is where they bring criminals," states James.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Whu-what? That came out of nowhere. *sniff* *sniff* I smell drama later on.

The Immunity Challenge has two twists. 1) Each team gets to select someone from the other team to send to Exile Isle rather than let them compete in the challenge. 2) The person they send to Exile Isle is given individual immunity for that night's tribal council. Oh, and who ever wins gets food, so that has them pretty excited as well.

Now, here's what I would do:
If I were on Team Ozzie, I would pick Eliza. She's nimble, clever and has good balance. So it'd be good to have her out. Plus, she's not well liked, so if they LOSE she'd probably get the chop, so by giving her immunity, you force them to cut someone else.

If I were on Team Who?, I'd pick Erik. He's quick and he's a tough competitor. Plus, if Team Ozzie loses (and odds are good) then he's protected, and then the Favorites HAVE to turn on themselves and cut someone.

Erik says he hopes he can survive the challenge. Having seen the preview, yeah, you BETTER hope you survive the challenge, son.

Everyone arrives and we find out that no one listens to Matt. Instead of Erik and Eliza, they sit out Ozzie and James, wait, Not James, Alexis, who I will no refer to as "Not James".

The challenge has 5 balance segments that two players from each team will race across and back bringing back 5 flags. The other two players will have weighted bags that they will swing at the players, trying to knock them down. If a player falls, they have to go all the way back to the start and the next person will go. Oh, and the winner gets pizza and beer. Is that rain, or is everyone just drooling? ... ew, that's gross. I really hope it's rain.

Young Jason Bon Jovi and Eliza go up against Erik and Amanda. Both Jason and Erik fly across the course the first time, then both Eliza and Amanda fall, so Jason and Erik go again. Erik is leaping across the first balance segment landing awkwardly each time. I keep waiting for the big hit shown in the previews. Jason and Eliza are now almost done. That is to say, OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-O! THEY'RE HALF WAY THERRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE!!! Finally the moment we've all waited for, Erik leaps for the platform and slams chest first into it, dropping into the mud. Jason races back with the last flag, leaving both Erik's sternum and hopes crushed.

We get to see Team Who enjoy their pizza party, but not much comes from it, other than James, who is capable of all things, has added "Open Bottles With Teeth" to his resume.

We then jump to Exile Island where Ozzie is helping Not James work her way through the immunity idol clues. Ozzie knows the idol's been found (cause he found it), but wants to see if anyone has found the fake idol he left in it's place (yes, it was Jason). They get to the last clue and Ozzie is trying his best to let Alexis find the spot on her own, but finally he goes "maybe it'd be here" and picks up the rock to find... nothing. And there was much rejoicing for Ozzie.

The rest of the episode sits at Camp Ozzie as Erik and Ami take turns selling each other out to anyone that'll listen. That's basically all that happens for the last 15 minutes. Erik pulls the old "Gut Spill", where someone on the chopping block just starts sharing everyone's secrets. It didn't work for Shii Ann and I don't think it's going to work this time. All it really does is make Ami cry, and then wave a machete in Erik's face while talking really, really calmly to Erik. Toooooo calmly.

Cirie doesn't know who to trust, because she doesn't actually trust either of them. Ozzie learns from Erik that Ami was part of not one, but two plots to oust him. Ozzie doesn't take backstabbing well. I still remember him yelling at Jonathon "THAT'S what happens to Traitors" after Jonathon mutinied in Survivor: Cook Island (and then proceeded to be on the losing team in that challenge). So it could go either way at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
"4 Times In a Row" are the first words out of Probst's mouth. "Well, hi Jeff, how are you? We're doing well." In the next breath he also calls them "the inferior team." Wow, Jeff, how do you really feel? Ami cries, Ozzie accuses, Erik tries to save his neck. The votes come in, Ami... Erik... Ami... are we going to see a tie? No! Ami gets 3 of the 4 votes and is sent packing.

BONADUCE SLAM!

Why? If I had to guess it's because non-leader Ozzie told them he wants to keep Erik around. You know, maybe if they HAD a leader, they wouldn't have lost 4 immunity challenges in a row.

ELIMINATED
Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)
Yau-man (Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)
Jonathon (Favorites)
Chet (Fans)
Kathy (Fans)
Tracy (Fans)
Ami (Favorites)

NEXT WEEK!
Merger! Amanda is jealous of Ozzie and Not James! And this sure-to-be-classic dialogue between Eliza and Jason.
Eliza- It's not the idol.
Jason- It IS the idol.
Eliza- It's NOT the idol.
Jason- Why do you say that?
Eliza- Because THAT CAN'T be the idol.
Jason- Why not?
Eliza- Cause it's just a STICK.

FLOCKING NEWS

I head some disturbing news driving in to work today. Turkeys are attacking postal carriers in Madison, WI. And I don't mean turkeys as in "code for hippy liberals" or anything. I mean, honest to goodness gobble-gobble, turkeys. Apparently there are bands of wild turkeys roaming the city and attacking mail carriers. This came as a big surprise to me as a graduate of the University of Wisconsin-Madison (official motto: The Only Reason I'm Not Hung Over is I'm Still Drunk), because I don't remember ever seeing a turkey in my entire time at the University. Perhaps they've migrated north since I graduated, it seems like the only logical explanation.

The turkeys have been pecking at postal workers, scratching them with their talons and, on at least one occasion, jumping into an open mail truck and attacking the driver. The turkey was not able to gain control of the vehicle, but if it had I bet there would have been reports of it cruising slowly in front of post offices all across the city, another turkey in the passenger seat, clanking bottles together.


"Mailmen Come Out And Plaaaaay.
Maaaaailllmen Come Out And Plaaaaaay.
MAAAAAAAILLLLLLLMEN COME OUT AND PLAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!"

The speculative reason for the sudden turkey attacks? Mating season. Hot, hormone laden turkeys driven to uncontrollable lust by the grey uniforms of the United States Postal Service. That's... that's disgusting, to be honest. Remember, you always have the right to say no. Even if the turkey has bought you dinner, even if you've started fooling around, even if you've already had sex with a turkey before, you always have the right to say no.

So not only are postal workers being assaulted, they're being sexually assaulted. Which we all know is worse, because it has the word "sex" in it and we are a country founded by Puritans who had no problems burning someone to death for "allegedly" being a witch, but who believed if you showed any flesh below the chin or above the shin, even to your husband, even after you had had children, you were a prostitute and should be burned to death. But we've come a long way since then, some women are even allowed to talk to men today as if they were equals, and we no longer resolve all of our problems through burning. Not since we invented guns and the Second Amendment. So postal workers have been given guns to protect themselves from turkey attacks, but since this is Madison (city motto: The Most Outraged City This Side of the Mississippi) the guns only fire water. Postal workers have been complaining about the squirt gun solution lately, because not only have the turkeys grown used to the squirting, but because some times the guns leak, getting water all over the Desert Eagle the postal carrier was concealing in their mail bag.

The obvious solution to all of this is a pair of phone calls to the Butterball and Jenny-O headquarters, but until I'm elected an official in Madison, I doubt that that is going to happen.

This just goes to show, America, that while there are many delicious birds, there is only one bird that is good while it is alive. And it loves Rock, and it loves Chalk.



Adorable, isn't he?

THE PROMISED LAND

There'll be a Survivor recap later today, it's currently pinned between Eric's sternum and his spine and we're trying to use the Jaws of Life to get it free.

One quick thing to touch on though, because I'd feel remiss if I didn't.

Today is the 40th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.'s assassination. King said the world should be a place where you aren't judged by race. That a person's character is more important than a person's looks. And he wasn't afraid to be tossed in jail for expressing these beliefs. And he wasn't afraid of hoses or dogs or riot cops or his own death.

Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land!

And then a man with a gun sent him back to God.

Martin Luther King Jr. lived his life like Christ wanted everyone to live. He spoke out for others, he espoused love and justice. Social justice, economic justice, political justice. He worked for these things knowing and fully accepting that his actions could lead to his death. He believed that love and justice were more important than one's own life and that a life devoted to those ideals was not a life wasted. Even if you don't believe in God, you can still believe in King's words.

Probably everyone and their mother that does a King piece today will put up "I Have A Dream" so to slightly different the good people here at Star Worz are bringing you "I've Been To The Mountain Top" instead. It's long enough to require two parts, but it's also good enough to make it worth listening to all the way through.




We're better people than we were 40 years ago, but we aren't perfect yet. The Promised Land still eludes us, but with works and faith, there isn't any mountain that can't be climbed.

On this day, and every day, Be Excellent To Each Other.

THE FRIENDLY SKIES

US Airways announced on Opening Day (aka Monday) that on Saturday one of their planes had had a... minor incident.

The pilot's gun went off. Which is a bad thing, because planes, like people and most major appliances, don't work properly once shot. And that's not even the worse case scenario. What if the pilot's shot went into the passenger area? And that woke up the sleeping Air Marshal hidden on the plane to protect everyone from Very Bad Things happening. So the Air Marshal is groggy and thinks a Very Bad Thing is happening and he starts shooting HIS gun. And pretty soon bullets are wizzing all around the cabin and you can't duck for cover because the person in front of you has their chair fully reclined pinning your knees down. Then the stewardesses are trying to tell the Air Marshal that there is no Very Bad Thing happening, but he's so angry about his two flight delays, and the fact that no airline gives you peanuts any more, and that all the normal Marshals make fun of him for being "just an Air Marshal" when they have their big Marshal summer cook-outs, that he just keep shooting any way. So you have to make an emergency landing in Intercourse, Pennsylvania, which is a very funny name when you're in middle school and hear it for the first time, but it is not what you would call an air traffic hub. Also, you can almost guarantee that your luggage is going to be lost.

Fortunately, this was not a worse case scenario, but still. The pilot, the person responsible for safely, you know, pilot-ing the plan from Point A to Point B, accidentally shot his own plane. That'd be like He-Man accidentally shivving Battle Cat with the Sword of Power.

So some questions are raised:
1) How did the gun go off? Was he trying to pick up a stewardess?
-"Hey baby, I'd sure like to fly YOUR friendly skies."
-"Ummm... no."
-"What if I showed you this little beau-" *kapow* "uhhh... that's- that's not a metaphor or any*ahem*thing."

2) How can a pilot be trusted with a complicated machine like an airplane when they can't be trusted to operate a safety button?

3) This pilot was authorized to carry a gun, in case something should happen. If something, should happen, is the pilot's plan to shoot down his own plane?
-"Fly this plane into a building!"
-"I don't think so!" *kapow* *kapow* *kapow*
-"Curses! We did not see this coming!"

4) If pilots can carry guns, how long before astronauts are allowed to have guns?

5) How long before they're allowed to have SPACE guns?