SURVIVOR

This week on... SURVIVOR
(Amity loves them SPOILERS!)

Fans:
Alexis
Chet
Erik
Jason
Joel
Kathleen
Mary gone
Mikey B
Natalie
Tracy

Favorites:
Amanda(China)
Ami(Vanuatu)
Cirie(Panama)
Eliza(Vanuatu)
James(China)
Jonathan(Cook Island)
Johnny Fairplay(Pearl Island) gone
Ozzie(Cook Island)
Parvati(Cook Island)
Yau-Man(Fiji) gone

Uh-oh, Jonathon and Cirie aren't getting along after Cirie got rid of Yau-man last week. They bicker like children, and that's about all you get from that.

Meanwhile, on the Fan camp, their crappy life continues to be crappy, the toll of which is really wearing down Chet, who spends most of the day alternating between sitting in the water and laying in the shade. Mikey B and Jason are especially irked by this and plot to kick him out for being the weakest member of the team.

Speaking of weak members, we cut back to the Favorite's camp where Eliza is doing her best not to die from illness. Does the rest of the tribe care? Noooooot so much. They're more upset that they let Cirie talk them into getting rid of Yau-man when they all wanted to get rid of Eliza. Really, they should have just gotten rid of Eliza then, and just not told Cirie. She was going to vote for Yau-man anyway, worse case scenario Eliza ends up tied with Parvati. But if you get rid of Eliza, what's Cirie going to do? It's now a 4 on 4 vote any way and all of her bargaining power is gone. But I digress. Eliza is sick and tired and she's especially of James and Ozzie standing right next to her discussing how they should have sent her home. Boy, I hate to break up the Like-Fest, but it's prime time for-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Another swimming challenge, because Ozzie isn't dominate enough already. Four members swim out to a raft, then one at a time swim down to a 30 foot long cage and push lettered coconuts out of the cage and into a tub. Once all 10 coconuts are gathered the team swims them to the beach where the other 4 spell out the one word answer. Winner gets Chicken!



Oh, sorry, chickens.



The Fans get off to an early start as Ozzie is spending way too much time underwater. Why? Because instead of moving one coconut, he's moving four or five coconuts to the front of the cage. It puts them in a 2-0 hole at first, but then all four of the Favorites are able to snag coconuts with a minimal effort, putting them ahead 4-2. Ozzie pulls the same trick his second time in the water and the Favorites get all 10 in the bucket first. Taking the coconuts, James, Eliza, Cirie and Amanda try to figure the word when James goes "Could 'Triumphant' be a word?" Well sure enough it IS a word. Not only that, it's THE word, and the Favorites are now 3-2 in challenges. In a move I just don't get, the Favorites send Kathy to Exile again and send Ozzie with her.

Why Kathy? I don't know. Maybe they think she'll help with clues. My pick would have been Mikey B or Joel, because not only do you have the chance to weaken one of their strong people with a night out in the elements, but you also leave them out of the loop for a day of plotting back at camp. Trust me, no one is plotting with Kathy.

At Exile Kathy fawns over Ozzie and how awesome all of the Favorites have been so far before Ozzie offers to go get them some food. While Kathy works on a pretty miserable fire, Ozzie secretly goes looking for the Immunity Idol. Remember when Cirie and Kathy had found all four clues but didn't want to climb up the hill to look around any trees? Well, guess what? THAT's where the Immunity Idol is hidden. Ozzie's head almost explodes he's so happy, before he shoves it under his giant hat (Note: If you go on Survivor, wear a giant hat) and slips it into his bag while Kathy's back is turned.

Still promising to get food, Ozzie takes a trick out of Yau-man's playbook (RIP Yau-man!) and crafts a crude Faux Idol. Wrapping it back in the original cloth and burying it under the original rock, Ozzie hopes that someone will be fooled by it. But seriously, who would be fooled by a fake idol????



Kind of funny that Cirie was so worried about Yau-man finding it in one try and the very next week Ozzie finds it in one try. If people thought he was trouble before, look out, that Shark just figured out how to use a machine gun.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
6 of the players are locked in a sliding harness and have to navigate a maze picking up block necklaces as they go. At then end of the course the two remaining players have to use the block necklaces to decode a letter puzzle. A lot of spelling this week. The Fans hit a major stumbling block when Jason can't get his lock open and by the time he passes the ring of keys on to the next person the Favorites are already unlocked. After that it's all academic and the Favorites cruise to an easy win. The closest it was was when the Fans almost crushed Eliza and Cirie while trying to navigate the course.

Back at camp Mikey and Joel have a talk in the woods. ...I'm sorry, this just dawned on me now, there is no other Mikey on the show. There's not a Mike or a Michael or even a Michelle, so why do they call him Mikey B? Do you think that's what he told them to call him? Wow. Between that and the Ticket tattoo ("I go to a lot of games"), he's a complete dill hole. Well, Dill Hole B wants to get rid of Chet. Joel wants to get rid of Kathy. Dill Hole B asks Joel to help him get rid of Chet as a sign of good faith. That makes sense, right? Right.

Enter Tracy. Tracy has a plan to save Chet because he's one of her votes. If she loses him and Kathy then she's screwed. So she asks Joel who they're planning to get rid of and he says Chet. Tracy then uses the Jedi Mind Trick on Joel to convince him that if he doesn't get rid of Mikey B this week then Mikey B will get rid of him instead. It was like watching Luke Skywalker talk his way past Bib Fortuna at Jabba's palace in Return Of The Jedi. But is Joel a weak minded fool? I guess we'll see at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Probst questions the group on what they need to do to get better. Mikey B points out that they need to cut weak players like Chet. Tracy makes a very good point that neither Chet, Kathy nor herself were even in the Immunity Challenge (Kathy was sat out, Chet and Tracy were back at the puzzle waiting for their team to never get there) so it's not their fault they lost. Erik starts to look nervous and just before Jeff sends them to vote he makes a comment that freaks Jason out so much he actually stops Probst so he can STRONGLY remind everyone that they need to vote out the weak players.

The votes are read and it's a back and forth between Mikey B and Chet when suddenly Mikey B gets a fourth vote. And that means Joel swung. And that means he found a fifth to swing and just like that Rhyno and Big Bird are suckered into sending Mikey B back to Bahston.


BONADUCE SLAM!

ELIMINATED
Fairplay(Favorites)
Mary(Fans)
Yau-man(Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)

NEXT WEEK
Despite Swapping Teams, Chet still stinks at challenges!

NEEEEERRRRDS!!!

That gut churning feeling you're having, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced? As if something terrible has happened? Well, it has.

THIS:


See? It's funny cause Storm is electrocuting Professor Xavier's genitals. Oh, and imagine if Wolverine put things on his claws. I'll give you a hint what happens. HILARITY ENSUES!!
Plus, it's got both Pamela Anderson AND Leslie Nelson! And Leslie apparently feels strongly enough that "With Great Power Comes Great Bitches" that he had it painted on his sweater vest. Oh, manohmanohman. And let's not forget Dragonfly guy... who also has the power of stretchy limbs. Just like ALL Dragonflies! And look, he's using it to put the moves on Pamela Anderson. Boy, those Dragonflies don't miss a beat, do they?

Boy, I feel like I should be paying THEM for this entertainment. Oh wait, I would be! Oh gee! March 28th can't get here FAST enough.

SURVIVOR

This week on... SURVIVOR
(Spoilers. In case you wondered)

Fans:
Alexis
Chet
Erik
Jason
Joel
Kathleen
Mary gone
Mikey B
Natalie
Tracy

Favorites:
Amanda(China)
Ami(Vanuatu)
Cirie(Panama)
Eliza(Vanuatu)
James(China)
Jonathan(Cook Island)
Johnny Fairplay(Pearl Island) gone
Ozzie(Cook Island)
Parvati(Cook Island)
Yau-Man(Fiji)

We open with Mikey B and Joel debating the merits of Joel getting Mary kicked off last week. In the end they agree to disagree and hug it out. Nah, I'm kidding, they both talk about picking the other off as soon as possible.

Over at the Favorite's beach the Couples of Amanda/Ozzie and Parvati/James invite Eliza down to the beach for a swinging sex party. Kidding again, it's a boring old campfire, but instead of singing "Michael, Row The Boat Ashore" they pump Eliza for information about her alliance with Yau-man, Jonathon, Ami and Cirie. Cirie is really in the driver's seat as the swing vote both groups need, and she's loving every minute of it.

Back at Fan beach the Fans are psyched, PSYCHED I TELLS YA, to find out the next reward challenge will be a physical confrontation with the Favorites. "Just like we've been waiting for," says Alexis. ...Waiting for? You've been on the island 6 days. Each team is given a catalogue of goods to improve life around camp, the winning team gets their three items, the losers get, well, some sand to pound. Oh, they also get war paint to decorate themselves and whooo nanny, did they do a great job. At the-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
It looks like


vs


Each team has three bags. You have to get your three bags and two of the other team's bags across this lagoon and into your end zone all at the same time. Full contact is allowed. On cue, it starts to rain, making things even more slippery. Honestly, I think it is on cue. I think there's a guy with a hose standing just off camera spraying water into the air to make these things more difficult.

The next five minutes are just a battle as everyone is wailing on everyone. The surprise tough guys are Jonathon who is stealing bags and throwing hits, and Erik who not only cranks Amanda in the head with a bag, he then backflips her into the lagoon. In the end the Favorites are just too tough and they crawl away the winners, taking their shelter, lantern and survival gear with them. Kathy is again sent to Exile Island, this time with Ami.

Back at camp the Favorites reflect on how awesome they are while Cirie frets about what she's going to do and how she's not being courted enough by either team. She ever suggests they could be carrying her around in a chariot. ... I think someone has a concussion. And suddenly Amanda, Parvati and Cirie are out in the water scheming to be the final three. Which, really, IS genius, cause none of those three stand any chance against anyone else, except maybe Eliza who is apparently disliked across the board.

Nothing happens at Exile Island because the idol search is cut short by one mother of a rain storm. The Fans all huddle in their crummy little shelter getting soaked while the Favorites lay warm and dry in their cave, wrapped in the tarp they just won that afternoon. I think they all laugh themselves to sleep before Yau-man wakes in the morning to make them omelets and crepes. I'm kidding again, everyone makes their own omelets.

The Fans wake the next morning looking like accident survivors. Maybe, if they were smart, they'd take the time to build a new shelter before the next monsoon. Instead they all sit around in shell shock worrying about-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Four players will suspend a cargo net in the air. The other players will take turns trying to throw coconuts into the opposing team's net. First team that can't hold up the net any more loses. Neither team gets off to a good start, putting up more bricks than Bob the Builder. Then Jason aka Hoosier and Alexis, the second coming of Rebecca Lobo, start draining 'nuts for the Fans. It isn't until Yau-man (natch) drains one that the Favorites start coming back. Jonathon spends the entire time talking trash including to Kathy "Show us how it's done in Wisconsin" and to Chet "He's at the pageant... he lines it up... ooooops!" In the end though Jonathon's words can't rattle the Fan's aim and the Favorite's lose another Immunity Challenge.

And that's when the SCRAMBLING starts.

Cirie wants to get rid of Yau-man. Ozzie wants to get rid of Eliza. Jonathon wants to get rid of Parvati. James wants to know why everyone's acting like "dumbasses". No one likes that Cirie is suddenly in control of everything, but no one has the idea of just chopping her out. There, problem solved. Instead we have to watch everyone begging Cirie to vote with them. This is a woman who was afraid of LEAVES last time she was on. Jonathon tries to talk her into going with them, but she won't hear it. So then Jonathon hopes to use the split on the Yau-man/Eliza vote to submarine Parvati with only four votes. Let's see if it works at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Probst talks to Jonathon. Probst talks to Cirie. Jonathon talks to Cirie. Cirie talks to Jonathon. Everyone is uncomfortable. They go off to vote, Jonathon drops 3 metaphors in 10 seconds when explaining his vote for Parvati. The votes come back..

Parvati, Yau, Yau, Parvati, Cirie... wait, what? Yau... And with that Yau-man is voted off the island. Because, as Ozzie pointed out, you should get rid of the person that's really helpful around camp and really good at challenges. *sigh*



ELIMINATED
Fairplay(Favorites)
Mary(Fans)
Yau-man(Favorites)

NEXT TIME
Cirie vs Jonathon! Joel vs Mickey B! And a mysterious rock!

PRIMARY DAY

It's voting day here in Wisconsin, so just a friendly reminder to residents of the state to get out to the polls today and cast their ballot. Please remember that voting is a right that we are blessed with in this country as well as a privilege that men and women have died to earn. So "eh, it's cold out", doesn't really cut it as a reason not to vote.

McCain seems to have things all but locked up on the Republican side, despite being hated by more far-right Conservatives as well as most of the Conservative media. I wonder what Rush will do when McCain wins the nomination? He's certainly not going to champion the Democratic candidate, though if he did it'd make for the most entertaining radio he's done in years.

While Rush is having a hard time finding someone to root for, Sean Hannity is having a hard time finding things about Barack Obama that he can pick apart. As one of my co-workers stated, Hannity's having such a hard time because so far Barack's message has been one of Hope and Change. So Hannity either has to be Anti-Hope or Anti-Change. Still, if any man can figure out how to make Hope and Change bad things I'll bet on it being Sean Hannity. This is a man that I have heard respond to "I think we could have done a better job of planning the invasion of Iraq" with "So, what you're saying is that you're Pro-Rape Room?"

Michael Savage meanwhile is just mad that everyone is out to get him because they hate the Jews. Oh, and because they're all Sodomites.

MOOOOO!!

I put this up mostly for my brother who lives out in California. California and Wisconsin have a bit of a friendly rivalry when it comes to dairy production. California produces more milk than Wisconsin, Wisconsin produces more quantities of higher quality cheese. California thinks that happy cows come from California, Wisconsin thinks California can fall into the ocean any time now. I'm kidding of course, no one wants that. Where would they play the Rose Bowl?

So it is with great glee that I came across the story that the United State is currently in the midst of it's biggest Beef Recall EVER because a California packing plant, Hallmark/Westland, failed to meet USDA inspection standards. 143 million pounds, many that were headed for school lunch programs, have all been recalled as health risks.

Happy Cows come from California?


More like Biohazard cows.


Take that California!

Now if you'll excuse me, we got another 7 inches of snow yesterday and I have to go shovel out my driveway before the temp hits -4 on Tuesday.

SURVIVOR

SCHPOOOOOOOOILERS!!!

Fans:
Alexis
Chet
Erik
Jason
Joel
Kathleen
Mary
Mikey B
Natalie
Tracy

Favorites:
Amanda(China)
Ami(Vanuatu)
Cirie(Panama)
Eliza(Vanuatu)
James(China)
Jonathan(Cook Island)
Johnny Fairplay(Pearl Island)gone
Ozzie(Cook Island)
Parvati(Cook Island)
Yau-Man(Fiji)

We open with the Favorites returning to camp short Johnny Fairplay. In reality, this was the smartest move they could make. No one liked Fairplay, he wasn't going to make it to the end, and it was smart to cut him now rather then fall upon themselves and get rid of Parvati or Eliza.

Speaking of fall upon themselves, it seems that Parvati and James and Ozzie and Amanda can't wait to fall all over each other. Ozzie tries to put some brains to it, realizing that if he and Amanda are too Schmoopy one of them is going to get the boot and soon. But brains aren't really Ozzie's strong suit, if they were, Yul wouldn't have won the million that season, and he and Amanda are soon making out in the shelter at night. It gets so bad Cirie and Jonathan go sleep on the raft rather than take the chance they'll get rolled on.

At Fan camp it still looks like a disaster area. Their shelter sucks, their lack of food sucks, and their fire making skills suck. How hard? "We've used up half our flint and still don't have a fire." How you do you use up half a ROCK?? A real split is forming between the 7 younger people and the 3 older Survivors (Chet, Kathy and Tracy), so much so that people aren't allowing each other sleep under rocks. Yes, that's right people, no matter how bad your life gets just know that you will never have to face the humiliation of being told by a 20 year old that no, you can't sleep under their rock outcropping in a pile of sand and bugs. Things eventually come together, a lil' bit, as they finally get a fire going and build two separate shelters. Boy, I hope they've still got some juice in the tank for...

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
What's that Probst? This challenge involves swimming? Well, I think we can guess who's going to win. And his name rhymes with Fozzieisanincredibleswimmer. Run across some lily-pad floats, swim a bit, climb a ladder, knock those clay blocks with keys attached loose with a hammer, use the keys to unlock a chest, assemble a map out of the puzzle pieces in the chest. Not only do you win immunity, but you also win... Fishing Gear! The Favorites all roll their eyes as Ozzie has literally been CATCHING FISH WITH HIS BARE HANDS. How he got those hands off a bear, I'll never know. Also, winner gets to send one member of the other team to Exile Island.

Before Probst finishes saying "go" Ozzie is already back on land with the first key. Chet, going third for the fans can't find his key in the water and can't get enough air in his lungs to go back under and look. Eventually his team calls him back in frustration, but it's too late and the Favorites lead is too big. James ignores the keys and rips the chains off the chest with his bare hands and then Yau-Man throws all of the puzzle pieces in the air, claps his hands twice and they fall into the correct spots. "The hardest part," said Yau-Man, "was figuring out how many times to clap my hands."

The Favorites decide to send Kathy to Exile Island, but remember when I said there was a twist last week? The winning team also sends one of their OWN members to Exile island. Two exiles, one immunity idol. Cirie elects to go, which is both good and bad. Yau-man is probably better at solving clues and we all know James doesn't use immunity idols (even when he should) so they would make better candidates in my opinion.

Cirie and Kathy get to the island and Cirie starts marching them all over God's kingdom looking for the immunity idol. It's amusing to watch as the clues keep sending them back and forth across the lagoon. I have to give Cirie a lot of credit, this is a woman who was afraid of leaves when she first played Survivor. In the end, their search is fruitless, but Kathy still has that immunity idol from before, so she's safe tonight. But what about Chet and Tracy?

Back at camp Mikey B (who, by the by, is the best example of Terrible Tattoos EVER. The guy has a ticket stub tattooed down his spine! Why? "I go to a lot of games") is plotting out just that scenario. "Okay, if she gives Chet the immunity idol, the girls will all vote for Tracy and she's gone. If she gives Tracy the immunity idol all the guys will vote for Chet and he's gone. When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars..." But there's another twist in the works! Joel, who looks like pro-wrestler Rhyno, thinks now would be a good time to get rid of Mikey's lady friend Mary, before they start to gather too much power. So he quickly brings in Chet and Tracy and a few others. Then comes Kathy.

"Who are we voting-"
"Mary."
"Who?"
"Mary."
"I don't... uh, is there a Mary on the-"
"Just. Write. Down. Mary."
(The Badger State, Ladies and Gentlemen!)

So with another double-cross in the works, we go to-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Nothing of any real importance comes out in council, so they get to the voting. Mikey looks happy at first, Tracy, Chet, Chet, Mary, Tracy... Mary? Mary?? MARY!?!


Mary, Mary, where you going to?
Oh, that's right. Home.

You can barely hear Probst read off the deciding vote for Mary over the sound of Mikey's jaw hitting the floor. Probst gives them a little smirk about blind siding and trust and sends them on their way.

ELIMINATED
Johnny Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)

NEXT TIME
Action, Adventure, Face Paint!

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

Checking my Yahoo mail today, I saw this news story headline off to the side:
"Huge Meat-Eating Dinosaurs Found in Africa".

HOLY CRAP!!! Run! Run for you lives little Africans! Even Angelina and Madonna can't save you now!! RUN! Meat-Eating Dinosaurs are-

What? Oh. Ohhhhhh, fossils. That... I guess that WOULD make more sense.

Guess I'll, uh, send that check to Nothing But Nets after all. ...

...

...

...

nuts.

SURVIVOR 2-7-08

On us faster than you would think, it's SURVIVOR time.

This season it's fans versus favorites.

Fans:
Alexis
Chet
Erik
Jason
Joel
Kathleen
Mary
Mikey B
Natalie
Tracy

Favorites:
Amanda(China)
Ami(Vanuatu)
Cirie(Panama)
Eliza(Vanuatu)
James(China)
Jonathan(Cook Island)
Johnny Fairplay(Pearl Island)
Ozzie(Cook Island)
Parvati(Cook Island)
Yau-Man(Fiji)

We meet the Fans en masse in the middle of a rainstorm. I think it's just so Probst can show off his rain-slicked good looks. He then trots out the "Favorites". Ozzie, Yau-Man and James get the biggest reactions, which has got to make central casting feel super about their choice of casting for the other 6. Oh, and last but not least they trot out Johnny "Ric Flair Gets Royalty Checks For This Character" Fairplay. Probst starts jibing him, which may be the only reason that they brought him in. Probst sends them racing across the bay where their boats and two immunity idols are waiting. The idols are only good for the first Immunity Council though. Johnny Freakin' Fairplay finds it first, only to realize he grabbed the other team's. Yau-Man then DDTs him into the boat and grabs the idol for himself. Kathy gets the idol for the Fans. Which is good, cause she's kind of awkward. More on that in a moment.

At the Fan camp Mikey B refers to his own team as Big Bird(Erik), Southern Princess(Alexis), John Bon Jovi in his prime(Jason), The Incredible Hulk(Joel) and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy(Chet).

Kathy, the golf cart driver who is originally from Wisconsin (thanks Kathy), first questions Chet on was ist das "homosexual" and then also comments that she's never seen big boobs before. The Badger State, ladies and gentlemen!

At the Favorite Camp they quickly zip together a shelter and food, as they've all been out here before. Parvati starts doing what Parvati does best, flirt with James. James, never that dumb, realizes she's "one of those sex kitten types", he also realizes that, hey, that's not a bad thing.

Last season James had a thing for:


This season it's:


I'm not saying he's trading up... I'm just saying.

While Parvati and James flirt and Ozzie and Amanda flirt, Yau Man, Jonathon, Ami and Eliza form an alliance. Good thing too, cause Parvati, Ozzie and Fairplay are already plotting to kick Eliza home. We haven't even had an immunity challenge yet... we haven't even had a reward challenge yet and everyone's pulling knives. Fairplay, being Fairplay has already pledged allegiance to both sides and then says "You've got 9 of the biggest favorites of Survivor and you think you can trust Johnny Fairplay? Have you never watched the show before?"

The favorites continue to dominate at home, having a shelter, fire, and sea food every day. Meanwhile, the fans (who are all "allegedly" students of this game) are muttering "I'd eat rat guts right now". Well there's no guts that need to be eaten, but there is...

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Puzzle wheels, pull cart, obstacle course, plank digging, turnstile puzzle.

The favorites, Johnny especially, take an opportunity to rub in how well they're living at camp. Once the challenge starts, however, the fans quickly get a lead, putting together their wheels first and zipping through the obstacle course before the favorites even get going. The favorites finally get everything together, only to wipe out at the obstacle course by trying to go right through it. Eliza almost loses an eye. They start to tie up at the planks but the fans beat them up and over the bridge and get to the turnstile. And in the end all the favorites can do is watch the fans Walk All Over Them.

Back at Favorite camp, Cerie realizes she could go, and Fairplay comments on how he is alligned with both factions right now. Fairplay talks about how his girlfriend is 7 months pregnant for about the third time this hour. Then he starts crying becase he's worried that she might not be okay. It's gotta be fake. Remember, this man faked his own grandmother's death. He and Parvati cook up a scheme where he asks everyone to vote him off so that the Ozzie/James/Parvati/Amanda faction can vote off Eliza. How will it all swing? I guess we'll find out at...

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Hah. Probst gives the Favorites the "Fire is Life" speech, I don't even know if he hears himself when he says it anymore. Fairplay drops another "baby on the way" line, it's too blatent for it not to be a work. Wow... Probst and Fairplay do NOT get along.

Probst smells a rat, but there's nothing he can do, cause now it's time to vote.
Fairplay, Fairplay, Fairplay, Fairplay, Fairplay, .... HOLY CRAP!! FARIPLAY GOT DOUBLE SCREWED!! Probst can barely contain his joy as he sends Johnny home. I've never seen him use his own urine to extinguish a player's torch before.


DEJA VU!!

ELIMINATED:
Johnny Fairplay (Favorites)

NEXT TIME:
The Fans start to bicker, Exile Island has a twist, and Ozzie bones Amanda??

HUCKA-YOU, HUCKA-ME, SAY IT TOGETHER, HUCKABEE

God bless Governor Huckabee.

Not with, you know, the Presidency or anything. The absolute last thing we need as a country is someone in charge who, living in the 21st Century, does Not Believe In Evolution.

I don't care what your religious beliefs are, that's just dumb. That's like saying you don't believe in the sky because you can't touch it. That's like saying you don't believe in electricity because it's never mentioned by Jesus. That's like saying Bo Bice and Joan Osborn's version of "Baby It's Cold Outside" isn't an abomination to humanity.

But may the God That Is bless Huckabee none the less, because it is Mike Huckabee that has brought us some of the best television EVER.

I am, of course, referring to the Stephen Colbert vs Conan O'Brien "Who Made Huckabee" debate. Perhaps the most heated debate in American history since Lincoln vs. Douglas, this debate has slowly been building to a climactic head. And by climactic, I mean hilarious.

Here are the last two set pieces of the epic battle, they're a little long, but darn if they aren't hilarious. Enjoy.

SHE'S HOLDS IT... HOLDS IT.... HOOOOOLDS IT!!

Forget the last 2 minutes of the Super Bowl. The most exciting 2 minutes was in the very beginning, before the game even started. I don't know if it says more about the entrepreneurial spirit of this country, or the depths of our gambling depravity, but I was watching the game with guys who had a bet on How Long the National Anthem would go with the over/under at 1:43.

M: We start the clock when she sings the first note.
Jordin: Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light-
R: Slow down, plenty of song left.
M: Hurry up, hurry up.
Jordin: What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? Whoooose broad stripes and bright stars, though the perilous fight-
M: Still has over a minute. No reason to milk those lines though.
R: Stretch them out. You've got to stretch them out.
Jordin: O'er the raaaaaaamparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming? And the rockets red glaaaaaare-
M: Hurry up.
Jordin: The bombs buuursting in aaaaaaiiirrr-
M: She's gonna make it.
R: She's not going to make it.
Jordin: Gave prooof through the niiiight that our flag was still there-
M: She's gonna make it! Oh, she's going to make it! Hurry up!
R: She's not going to make it. She's only got 20 seconds left.
Jordin: Ooooo say, does that staaaaar spangled baaaaaaaner yet waaa-aaaaa-aaaaa-ve
M: HURRY UP!!!
R: Ten seconds!
Jordin: Oooooooo'er the land of the free-eeee-eeee
M: SING DARN YOU, SING!!!
Jordin: And the hoooooome oooooooof theeeeeee-
R: Time!
Jordin: Braaaaaaaave!
M: *multiple profanities directed at Ms. Sparks, American Idol, and Francis Scott Key*
R: *money counting sounds*

Poor clock management. It'll get you every time.