TRYING TO PAY WITH CASH

[phone rings]
Mayor: Hello, this is the mayor of Hawesville.
FEMA: Hello Mayor, this is FEMA. Just calling to let you know you need to have your flood wall inspected and certified.
Mayor: Oh, thank goodness you called to remind me. Thank you FEMA for being so on top of things.
FEMA: You have ONE YEAR.
Mayor: What an odd thing to say. When's the soonest an inspector can come out? We have the money available right now.
FEMA: Ha-ha. That's cute. You can't just PAY for the inspection. What sense does that make?
Mayor: I guess you're right. It sure is nice of a federal government program to inspect flood walls for free to better ensure the health and safety of it's citi-
FEMA: Woah, woah, woah. Hold up. Did you just call me a Commie?
Mayor: No?
FEMA: Because it sounds like you just called me a Commie. Free? No, nothing's free. You just can't pay for it yourself. It has to come from the Army Corp of Engineers.
Mayor: Oh, okay, I guess that makes sense. Let's just hope they're better at cutting checks than building levies, right? Right?
FEMA: *sigh* Whatever. I've got horse racing to watch.
[phone call ends]

[new phone call]
ACoE: Army Corp of Engineers, "it was like that when we got there", how can I help you?
Mayor: I have to set up an appointment with FEMA inspectors to inspect our flood walls.
ACoE: Good call. Otherwise your flood insurance premiums are going to go through the roof. Mayor: Right. So, I just need to know when we can get a check cut to have the inspectors come by.
ACoE: Gotcha.
Mayor: ...
ACoE: ....
Mayor: .... So, end of the week, then?
ACoE: Funny thing about that. We don't have any money for you right now.
Mayor: I'm sorry, what?
ACoE: We don't have the money available to have your walls inspected.
Mayor: Oh. Well, we have enough money as a city. Can we just send the money to you and then you can give it back to us as a federal grant?
ACoE: No, that's not going to work.
Mayor: Well, what are we supposed to do?
ACoE: pffffffff.... don't know. Pound sand, I guess?
[phone disconnects]

[new phone call]
FEMA: FEMA, "doing the best we can once we get around to doing it", how can I help you?
Mayor: It's the Mayor again.
FEMA: You better get those walls inspected, the clock's ticking. Just think of the plummeting property values. No one wants to live in a flood plane.
Mayor: Yes, about that. The Army Corps of Engineers doesn't have the money for a federal grant right now.
FEMA: Ooooh, sucks to be you guys, huh?
Mayor: Yes, but we DO have the money to pay for the inspection. I have it sitting in bags right next to me. We could pay you cash.
FEMA: Look, I wouldn't expect a mayor to understand how government works, but that's just not going to fly.
Mayor: But we need to have our flood walls inspected.
FEMA: Darn right you do. Those things could probably go at any moment.
Mayor: And we need to pay for it.
FEMA: Why do people keep saying that like it's a surprise?
Mayor: But the Army Corps doesn't have the money.
FEMA: Doesn't sound like it.
Mayor: But we DO have the money.
FEMA: Now you're losing me.
Mayor: So why can't we just pay for the inspection ourselves?
FEMA: Because that's not the way we do things.
Mayor: Well, what if the Amry Corps doesn't get the money together for us in the next year and we can't pay for the inspection, what happens then?
FEMA: Well, I'll be frank with you, it's going to suck and it's going to suck hard. I mean, you're going to get absolutely boned.

[One Year Later]
Newscaster: Our top story tonight, Hawesville, after days of heavy, heavy rain, has been submerged under fifteen feet of water after their flood walls gave way. With me are representatives from both FEMA and the Army Corps of Engineers.
FEMA: Darn shame what happened here.
ACoE: Darn, darn shame. When are people going to realize they need to have these things inspected?
FEMA: Selfish, is really what it is.
ACoE: That was the exact word I was looking for. You wanna grab a burger?

PUMP- PUMP IT UP!

I'll be on the ComedyCity stage this weekend for parts of the 28 Hour Comedy Marathon. We're raising money to benefit two local cancer charities, the Angel Fund and Families of Children With Cancer, Inc. The improv magic starts at 7:30 on Friday and other than the break between the Friday 7:30 and the Friday 9:30 show, people will be on stage performing from 7:30 p.m. Friday until about 11:00 p.m. on Saturday.

That's a lot of improv.

I mean A LOT of improv.

The hardest hours, in my opinion, are from about 3 a.m. until 8 a.m. Yes, we'll be performing at that time. It's 28 hours. You're tired. The audience (those that are still awake) are tired. You've played most of your games at least once all ready. You're starting to get a little loopy. Your face is starting to get that "I've been up too long" greasy film on it. And you know the next set of replacements aren't coming for another two hours. They might even be late because they're sleeping in. Oh sleep. You remember what that felt like once, lifetimes ago.

So you gotta stay pumped during that time frame. Pumped, like Bonnie Richardson gets pumped.

What's that? You don't know who Bonnie Richardson is? She's not really any body. You know, just this girl. She goes to Rochelle High School in Texas. Whatever. She runs some track and field. No biggie. Oh, wait, you probably didn't hear about it, she, well, you know when they have those big state track meets? And a team wins all these events and they become the state team champion? Okay, it's like that, except she did it all by herself.

Bonnie Richardson, the only athlete FROM Rochelle to qualify for the state competition, accumulated 42 team points at the Texas 1A state track meet, to edge out the next closest team of athletes and win the Texas 1A State Meet Team Title. According to University Interscholastic League officials it is the first time they can remember a single athlete winning a girls' team title.

Can you imagine that as a conversation starter?
"Hey, thanks for coming over."
"Thanks for inviting me."
"I'll just hang your coat over here... oh clumsy me."
"Here, let me get that. Oh cool, you ran track and field?"
"Is THAT what that's for? I forget some times. Yeah, it's for winning first place in the State Track Meet back in high school."
"That's cool. So-"
"By myself."
"-are we going to ... watch a movie."

So get pumped Star Worz-iors! And when I need to get pumped, this song always does it for me:


... I wish I was kidding.

SURVIVOR: FANS VS FAVORITES FINALE

(Hot. Fresh. Spoilers.)









Team Fo'Shizzle
Amanda
Cirie
Natalie
Parvati

Done and Done! What a ride this season has been. Blindsides, injuries, more blindsides, more injuries, the dumbest move ever, and the Smoke Monster for good measure.

We're down to the final four women, and today being Mother's Day I was at dinner for the first 20 minutes of the show. We tune in time to see the first-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
I'm sure the first 20 were just laughing about Erik and a re-cap of what's happened. Right now the four femme fatales are racing to assemble a ladder with specially crafted rungs. A rung will only properly fit in it's proper slot. First one to the top of their ladder is the winner. Amanda and Parvati are pretty close to each other with Natalie nipping at their heels, but slowly and surely Amanda starts pulling ahead. Natalie looks to have a window of opportunity when Amanda gets to the last run and the piece won't fit, but she quickly finds her wrong piece and scrambles back to the top. Your winner is Amanda and Natalie knows she's on the way out.

Natalie tries to do some talking, but there's no reason not to stick to the original alliance at this point and we'll see that once we go to-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Amanda and Cirie get in a tiff, because Cirie points out that she's always been the "and" of all the alliances. James, Ozzie, Parvarti, Amanda AND Cirie. Parvati, Amanda, Alexis, Natalie AND Cirie. Amanda, Parvati AND Cirie. Amanda takes offense at this, even though it's true, and they bicker back and forth for a while. Probst also keeps talking about "what would it be like if you were going to a final two?" Wait... what? Have you... have you been reading my blog, Jefftholomew Probstowski?

Natalie gets the boot and the other three girls head home to yell some more. Amanda starts crying, Cirie starts yelling, Parvarti actually agrees with Cirie, and then, like any chick flick, everyone resolves things way faster than you think they would and they all hug. "Rescue Me" by Aretha Franklin plays in the background.

Amanda has started crying. It must be the last episode. You can set your watch by this stuff. It should also be pointed out though, as a mitigating factor, that she came basically right from China to Micronesia. As she points out, in the last 7 months she's spent 2 1/2 months in the jungle. Rupert, when he went straight from Pearl Island to All Stars, actually started to trip out and actually convinced himself he was dreaming the whole thing and had to be talked back to reality by Jenna. So maybe a little crying is acceptable. You know, just so long as she keeps it together from here on out. ...what are the odds of that?

The next morning Cirie, Amanda and Parvati wake up. They release the last chicken, G-l-o-r-i-a. Gloria. Gloria doesn't really want to leave though, so she just makes a nest in the dirt and continues to live with them. *sniff* It's kind of like "How The Red Fern Grows". The interesting thing is, there's no feast. So they go to look to see if there's something by the Tree Mail spot annnnnnnnnd-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Oh, THAT'S RIGHT, it's a Final Two! The three ladies will do the normal/boring "Remember this Person" walk of filling time and then they will have another immunity challenge! Whoever can handle balls the best will be the winner and will get to choose their opponent at Final Council. Not so fast Parvarti, you gotta balance a ball on a beam. Every five minutes a new piece of bar will be added. Parvarti, not a surprise, is the first to drop out. What IS a surprise is that Cirie is really giving Amanda a run for her money. Cirie slips up once, but it's during the grace period and that's as shaky as she is for the first 15 plus minutes. And then suddenly she blinks or gulps or something and the ball falls from her bar and her hopes crash down with it. Amanda, much like in China, wins the last two challenges.

But now comes the question. Who does she take with her to the Final Council? If she takes Cirie, Cirie could talk her way into victory. If she takes Parvarti, Parvarti has played a devious game that might be respected by the jury. What can Amanda do? Besides cry, I mean. Cause she does that. A bunch. It continues on to-

IMMUNITY COUNCIL!
Where we see more crying. So much crying the jury is rolling their eyes. Poor Amanda, she always plays a fine game up until the very end and then she starts crying at the last couple of councils and no one wants to give a crier a million dollars. After much crying, she finally gives Cirie the heave-ho and picks Parvarti as her final dance partner.

The next day is basically soaking up sun, finally having that feast and waiting for Final Council. Amanda feels confident, Parvarti feels confident, but only one of them is going to be the Lone Survivor.

FINAL COUNCIL!
Everyone is trotted out. Cirie looks kind of angry, uh-oh. As does Natalie, actually. C'mon ladies, can't we go back to hugging?

Amanda goes first, and basically thanks all of the also-rans for all of "the help". Parvarti gives the speech Amanda should have, telling everyone that she played a devious game, she picked some strong players off and she'll give truthful answers tonight.

First up is Eliza. She just yells at the both of them for a while. She calls Parvati a mean person, and then calls Amanda a stupid, poop faced whore. Well, not exactly, but she wasn't happy with either of them. Erik is most upset that sweet Amanda chewed him out. Amanda explains that he had it coming, but he doesn't seem too convinced. Alexis comes up next, she looks fabulous. She wants to know why each girl considers herself a role model for other girls. Parvarti again seems to give the better answer. Natalie comes up next. She, if I'm NOT mistaken, basically asks Parvarti if she'll have sex with her. Seriously. She asks her how her flirting translates into the bed room.

After that bizarre encounter, Jason asks Amanda if she would have betrayed Ozzie. She says no. He asks Parvarti something... maybe about being devious, I can't remember. Parvarti ends a lot of her answers with "is that good enough? Is... that what you wanted?" James says that Amanda has it in the bag but he wants Parvarti to re-do the conversation they had after Ozzie had been voted out. She fails on the first try ("Yo, you got played. What? Uh. Na-na.") and mostly fails on the second try. Cirie comes out next and asks Amanda why Parvarti should be sitting next to her instead of Cirie. Amanda accidentally makes it sound like Parvarti deserved it more, which doesn't make Cirie happy. Cirie then asks Parvarti why Cirie should be there, and while Parvarti doesn't technically answer her question, she gives the answer that Amanda should have given, "I couldn't have beat you." Which is the truth.

Last is Ozzie. First he drags Parvarti over the coals for casting away their friendship for a shot at a million dollars. He doesn't even give her a chance to explain, he's so angry at her. He then shifts gears 180 degrees and confesses his love for Amanda. He tells her she's great and special and schmoopie and the smile on her face is really great and genuine.

But now it's time to vote. Ozzie votes for Amanda (natch), Erik votes for Amanda (kinda natch), Alexis votes for Parvarti (with a heart) and Natalie votes for Parvarti (also with a heart). Maybe we WILL see more hugging at the reunion special.

Probst then takes the bucket, tells everyone he'll see them soon and walks off. While I'm glad to see the return of a final two, I would like to see more jetski/helicopter/bungee jumping from Probst as he gets to David Letterman's theatre. Instead he just walks in the door. *yawn*

Oh, it should also be mentioned that Parvarti gets a little round in the face. It's not a bad thing, it's just something I noticed.

Vote time!
Parvarti
Amanda
Parvarti
Amanda
Parvarti
Amanda
Parvarti
Could we actually see a tie???
PARVARTI!!


Parvarti Shallow is your Survivor Micronesia winner!

Never would have seen it coming.
Couple of quick lessons from this season:
1) If you find the Hidden Immunity Idol, play it.
2) You are only really safe if you are ineligible to be voted out.
3) You can't always be dominate, so it helps to be lucky. If you can't be lucky, find a woman to do your talking for you.
4) Don't cry. If you have to cry, don't do it at a tribal council.
5) If you have to screw someone over, own it. It is rare that "the best liked" person will be winner, it is more often that "the grudgingly respected" will win. Hatch, Jenna, Ahhhhmbahhhh, Tom, Todd and now Parvarti are all great examples of that.
6) If you get on the show know how to start a fire, or swim, or build an even halfway decent shelter. Take James' example. "I don't even like eating off of paper plates. But I went and got a book on Wilderness Survival before I came here. ...20 minutes in Barnes and Noble and I'm Crocodile Dundee."

Thanks for reading this season's recaps. For those of you who don't enjoy them, don't worry, we're (more or less) Survivor free until the Fall.

SURVIVOR

(Wow. Just. Wow.)







Previously on... SURVIVOR

Team Fo'Shizzle
Amanda
Cirie
Erik
Natalie
Parvati


After the surprising turn around of last Tribal Council, things couldn't get more thrown out of whack, could they? Ho-ho-hold on, loyal Star Worz-iors, and you'll see. Back at camp, Amanda is feeling pretty good. She dodged elimination by finding the Immunity Idol, she got rid of Alexis, who she never seemed to like since Ozzie took a shine to her, and she's got Cirie back on her side. So that means things look grim for Erik and Natalie, who are on the outside of the Favorites' alliance looking in.

So Natalie hatches a plan. If (when) Erik wins the reward challenge, he should send her to Exile to find the Immunity Idol. That they've hidden the Immunity Idol yet again confuses me a little. I remember them throwing it out once it was used in other seasons, but with the way people have been "not using" it, maybe the producers figured "what the heck."

But, uh-oh, coming in with a big old wrench to that plan is Amanda who starts sweet talking Erik to take HER on the reward if (when) he wins and send Parvarti to Exile. Why? Cause she'll just lay around and not look for the idol, while if Natalie goes then she may end up screwing Erik over. I guess we'll see how things shape up at-

REWARD CHALLENGE
Oooh, a trivia challenge! Finally a balanced playing ground. After all, Erik was only 13 when Survivor first started. ... wait, wasn't Todd from last season only 12 when Survivor first aired? Uh-oh.

My favorite moment of the challenge was Parvati, stinking up the answers, leaning over to Cirie and frustratingly whispering "Beat Him" and Cirie replying "I'm trying." Here's an idea I'm just going to throw out there, how about you beat him, Parvarti? Instead of being pissed cause you're dumb.

In the end Erik wins yet again and in a move that sure surprises Natalie, he decides to send Parvari to Exile and takes Amanda on the spa treatment reward.

Back at camp, Cirie manages to keep twisting the knife in Natalie about how Erik has betrayed her with this move. As Cirie says "the only good thing to come out of not going on the reward was to be able to see Natalie bummed out." Then in insult to injury Erik and Amanda literally fly past them on their way to the spa. And Erik WAVES at them!! Boy, he doesn't know anything about the social aspect of the game.

We eventually cut to Exile where Parvarti is feverishly digging to find the Immunity Idol. Nah, I'm just kidding. She's actually TANNING. I wish I was making that up. Talk about confidence in your group.

Amanda and Erik eventually return to camp and Cirie wants to know how awesome it was. "Don't pretend like it wasn't great, I went on that trip in my season and I know it was." Natalie, in a move full of metaphor, begins hacking away at a coconut as soon as Erik appears. She won't even look at him.

But just cause she won't talk to him, doesn't mean she can't hear. Which is something Erik needed to keep in mind while chatting Cirie up back at the beach. Why? Because Natalie is STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HIM. She could have reached out and touched the shelter they were sitting i, that's how close they were to each other. This leads to a conversation between Cirie, Natalie and Amanda about how Erik has told them all different versions of the same story. That's Erik's main problem. He keeps telling people the things he thinks they want to hear to keep them happy (which is fine), but he tells everyone what he thinks they want to hear (which is not fine). If you're going to try and keep someone happy they should either be a) the person you're about to blind side or b) a person you need to keep voting with you. And those are the only people you should be promising things to. You can't promise to take 4 people with you to the final three. Probst will have some sort of objection about that.

So Erik is in hot water with 3/4 of the women, and the only reason Parvarti isn't mad is because she isn't there, so he better hope he wins the-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Oh, who am I kidding? Half of his competition is Cirie and Parvati. He's all but got it in the bag. Three sand pits. Two ropes. Rope off your co-ordinates in the sand and then dig to find a bag of puzzles pieces. Solve the puzzle for your second set of co-ordinates. Find another bag, solve another puzzle for a third set of co-ordinates and your third puzzle bag. Solve that puzzle and you're the winner. Erik and Amanda are pretty close in the beginning and Cirie hangs in there for a while, but then Erik starts to pull away. And pull away. And pull away. Parvati, who's "tanning regiment" might need to be re-thought, barely gets to the second sand pit by the time Erik wins immunity AGAIN. So it looks like Natalie's going home.

But wait! Cirie has a plan. They could get rid of Erik if they could just get him to give up the Immunity necklace. So, Natalie should convince Erik to give her the Immunity Necklace in a sign of good faith. If he does so, Cirie and Natalie will team with Erik to send Amanda (his main threat other than Natalie) home. Of course, once he hands over the necklace they'll all jump on him like his last name was Caesar, but he doesn't need to know that. This plan is stupid. It's the equivalent of being on a crashing airplane, climbing out on the wing, flapping your arms and jumping at the last second. There is no way it can work. As Natalie brilliantly puts it, "I feel stupid just listening to this idea." But you know what? When your plane is going down either way, you may as well try flapping your arms.

So Natalie starts talking to Erik and right away he shoots the idea down. But Natalie keeps working him. And then he goes to talk to Cirie and she tells him that she just can't trust him if he doesn't do this sign of good faith. And if she can't trust him, the Jury probably can't trust him, and how's he going to win if he's got the entire Jury mad at him?

Now, a smart person would probably take their chances. Erik is winning Immunity Challenges easily. If he doesn't go with Natalie, the other girls will probably vote her out, and that's one less threat to him. And then he can win the next Immunity Challenge and all but hand-pick his opponents. There is no reason to look good in front of the jury, when he can look dominate in front of the jury. The Jury respects, grudging respect sometimes but it's still respect, a person who dominates in challenges in the end. You think anyone LIKED Tom from Palau, other than Ian? Heck no! But they respected his dominance over the gravy-training Katie.

But apparently Erik isn't a smart man, because he starts listening. He starts asking that Parvati get the boot instead. Cirie and Natalie instantly agree. Sure! We'll give you FIVE magic beans instead of three for that cow. Why not??

TRIBAL COUNCIL
The ladies all continue to play Erik. Cirie talks about a good impression with the Jury. Amanda talks about rebuilding trust. Erik evens starts talking about rebuilding an image. And then...

There is a list, of dumbest Survivor contestants.
It includes:


and


But now, and perhaps for all time, there is a new Champion

The King Is Dead. Long Live The King.

Erik hands over his immunity necklace, everyone loses it except for Probst (who probably wanted to, his footage all seemed off, maybe it had to be re-recorded), and as no one dared to dream, Erik gets the big ol' boot. Hey look Erik, you now have plenty of time to win over the Jury NOW THAT YOU'RE A PART OF IT.

ELIMINATED
Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)
Yau-man (Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)
Jonathon (Favorites)
Chet (Fans)
Kathy (Fans)
Tracy (Fans)
Ami (Favorites)
Eliza (Favorites)
Ozzie (Favorites)
Jason (Fans)
James (Favorites)
Alexis (Fans)
Erik (Fans)

THIS SUNDAY!
The finale! Amanda vs Cirie vs Parvati vs Natalie! My guess is Amanda will win and she'll chop out Natalie. In fact, unless Natalie wins, she's joining the Jury. Neither of the other three will risk breaking the "Favorites" alliance this late in the game.

Back on April 24th I said:
Prediction Time!
Your final four will be:
Cirie
Jason
Natalie
Parvati.

I was 3/4 right. Your final three are going to be Amanda, Cirie and Parvati. Cirie should win the whole thing, but I think Amanda will get it, picking up Erik, Ozzie, Eliza and James' votes.

See how it shapes out!

BURY ME WITH MY RIBBON

I love Pabst Blue Ribbon.

I love the taste.

I love the design of the can.

I love that after winning the Worlds Fair in 1893 someone at the brewery decided that they had reached the mountain top and haven't changed the recipe since.

And I love this man, for loving Pabst as much as I do.



That's right, that is a COFFIN made to look like a Pabst Blue Ribbon can. And that, my friends, is FANTASTIC.

Other things to love about that picture:
1) The lady casually smoking next to the Christmas tree
2) The person in what appears to be a medical jacket with the confused look on their face
3) The 10 plus liquor bottles in the background
4) The random mop/broom handle leaning against the filing cabinet.

I don't know about you, loyal Star Worz-iors, but I suddenly feel a little better about my ultimate demise, knowing that such fine container exist for my body.

Plus, it sure beats the heck out of my old plan of having my body stuffed into an actual Pabst Blue Ribbon can.

*POOF* THERE IT IS!

Jim, come on in, have a seat. I'm glad you could make it in on such short notice. Well, that is true, I didn't give you much of a choice about the matter, but I thought I'd be polite. I'll cut right to the chase then. Jim, you've worked a long time for us here in Pasco County, but I'm afraid we can't let you substitute in our schools any more.

Why? Well, we've been getting a lot of complaints lately Jim, about your conduct in class. Now certain things, like "touching a student inappropriately" or "sleeping with a minor" we might be able to over look. We all make mistakes, right? Right. I remember once when I was a young teacher... but that was a different time. You can marry outside your race now. Women can vote. They outlawed Prohibition. The world is in a humbly-jumbly mess. They're even publishing books with gay penguins in them now. I tell you, it's not like back in the old days where we kept our homosexuality good and closeted. Literally. The stories I could tell you about the janitors closet at Jackson Junior High would make your toes curl.

Oh, I'm sorry, am I keeping you from a long day of not being employed? I'm sorry Jim, I don't want to cut into your busy schedule of waiting for Family Feud to come on at 5:30. I'll get right to it then. You're fired, for complaints of wizardry. What do you mean, what does that mean? It means you're fired. The act of being a wizard. It's a pretty obvious definition. We haven't been assigning you to any of the language arts classes, have we Jim? Preposterous? No, what's preposterous is how we missed your obvious Dark Magic up until this point. How'd you do it Jim? Charm? Glamour? Cellular manipulation? You know what, I'd rather not know. Don't want to open that book of macabre secrets too wide, never know what you'll find there.

It's nothing to be ashamed of, Jim. The Dark Arts, like homosexuality, is something we've all dabbled in. But, like homosexuality, you can't just go flaunting it in front of the kids like some kind of gay penguin. That's not how things work here in Pasco County. Not since the fire.

Look, I can understand if you're angry, but casting a death spell or karma charm on the entire school board isn't going to get you your job back. Plus, we've recently put a Paladin on retainer, so first person that breaks out in unexplainable hives, he's going to come looking for you. And before you even ask, no, I won't tell you his name OR give you a lock of his hair.

You could try Jim, but I don't know who you're going to appeal your case to. No one from the school board is going to meet with you, since they're afraid you'll steal their soul or have black cats come out of their mouths or some such. Personally, I'm scared stiff sitting this close to you, which is why you'll notice I've yet to make eye contact with you. Can't plant any mind worms if you can't see inside of my brain, can you Jim.

All right, since you're so worked up, I'll tell you what I can do for you. The rest of the school board isn't going to like it, but I'll see if I can pull some strings for you. You come back tomorrow morning, we'll have a big pool of water set up. We'll tie you to a board and then dunk you under the water. If you float to the top, we'll know you're a wizard and you'll be through here. We also reserve the right to stone you on the spot. If you drown however, we'll forget the whole thing and you can start work again on Monday. How's that sound?

Well, I don't know if all that cursing was necessary. Wait... that wasn't actual cursing was it?

SURVIVOR

(Are they Still Spoilers When They're This Late?)



Previously on... SURVIVOR

Team Fo'Shizzle
Alexis
Amanda
Cirie
Erik
James
Natalie
Parvati


God may look after the idiots of this world, but you gotta give God a fighting chance. Jason, dope that he was, is now gone and the estrogen percentage is growing higher every day. And just when it looks bad for the men, it starts to look worse, as James is called aside to have his finger looked at. He scratched it last episode and it's started to get infected. The medics look him over and tell him they'll send him back to camp, but if the finger isn't improving it'll need to have surgery. James is worried because as a grave digger he needs his hands to work. Now, surely, The Black Crocodile Dundee could just will a new hand into existence, but if he doesn't have to, that'd be for the best.

And then Alexis twists her ankle! Man, you'd think this was the Brewer's pitching staff and not Survivor with the way the injuries are mounting up.

Reward Challenge!
Oooooh, the figure crushing challenge! These are always fun, because someone always finds out the hard way where they sit with the rest of the tribe. Ooooh and it's personal question based. Man, that has potential drama written all over it. Nothing like finding out you're considered "Laziest Survivor" or "Least Deserving To Be Here" to rile someone up. Awwww, and loved ones! I thought for sure Erik's would be Snuffleupagus. But maybe because he's pretend he couldn't get a Visa.

I don't know why Cirie chooses to crush Amanda and let Alexis go. Well, I DO, cause she's more with that alliance now, which I guess makes sense. She's going to have an impossible time beating James. And she'd have a hard time beating Amanda too. Though she could probably beat Parvati, but she can beat Parvati with Natalie or Alexis hanging around in the final three.

Alexis, Cirie, What's-her-face and their assorted loved ones all get to go swim in Jellyfish Lake. Don't worry, they're stinger free Jellyfish. You can tell because it's not called "The Pain! Oh The Pain! I'm Frickin' Dying Here!" Lake. Amanda meanwhile not only gets crushed out of the winner's seat, she gets bounced to Exile Island. Maybe she'll find the As-yet-unused Hidden Immunity Idol. Maybe three people in a row can not use it. That'd be a new record.

Also setting a new record is James having to leave because of injury. That's three Survivors now who have had to leave for non-voting reasons, passing, I believe, All Star's record of 2.

Sniff

Good-bye James

Speaking of depressing, how must Amanda feel, frantically digging for the Immunity Idol on Exile Island? She knows she's in danger, and really, if she'd shown some sort of spine in the last three or four weeks, she'd be sitting in a much better position rather than squatting in the sand. And just when things couldn't get worse? Ohhhhh SNAP! The idol's back at camp! I bet Jamie's already found it!


Hey, here's an idea. If you're hurt, or you're tired, or you're just Chet, don't say you want to be voted out unless you actually DO want to be voted out. And if you bring up the possibility of voting yourself out, don't then get snippy if someone offers to take you up on your idea. *ahem*Alexis*ahem*. That's like the fourth rule of Survivor. No one wants to be the bad guy, cause no one thinks the bad guy can win (even though Richard Hatch did), so no one wants to make the mean cuts. So if you offer yourself up to the sharks, don't be surprised when they start to circle you.

What's-her-face then offers up Amanda's name if Erik should win immunity and they have to turn on each other. Parvati says she can't do it, and that has people looking in Parvati's direction. At the same time, they don't really NEED Parvati's vote to send Amanda home. So it's more a strategic move on Parvati's part ("Amanada, I swear I never wrote your name down" sounds really good to the Jury) than anything else. But hey, that only matters if Erik wins the-

REWARD CHALLENGE!

Uhhhh, I know Probst knows what he's doing. But I don't know how good an idea it is to give these people a gun this late in the game. Sure, they're SUPPOSED to shoot the saki bottles, but you know, the Donner Party was SUPPOSED to make it to the West Coast. Mistakes are made, is all I'm saying. I'm a little surprised that Amanda is a bad shot with the gun. She's from Montana and she killed a shark. I'm less surprised that Cirie and Alexis are not good shots. Has Cirie even come CLOSE to winning a challenge yet? Heck, keep her around to the final four and then cut her out when she fails to win the last immunity challenge.

Natalie is a little scary with how good a shot she is, but surprise, surprise, sur-fricking-prise, Erik wins AGAIN. With One of Ozzie's Sweethearts safe from elimination, it looks bad for his other Sweetheart. Unless she can find the Idol, that is. Because Parvarti's her only vote. Erik, useless as he is when it comes to voting, refuses to help her and Cirie is afraid of a tie. Why? The BLACK ROCK!



Wait, no, that's LOST.

They're afraid of the purple rock. You know, the one that hasn't been used to break ties in about a billion seasons? Even when Probst had to hand the Survivors lighter fluid and blow torches in order to start a tie-breaking fire, they still haven't gone back to the purple rock. So I don't know why Cirie's scared now. But she is, and so Amanda is screwed unless she can find the Idol. Which we don't know if she has because they cut to-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Amanda snipes at Erik for betraying her when she needed him most. No one talks about the biggest betrayal though. Natalie killing the chicken. Just like Tracy wanted to do all along and now that Ozzie's gone, look who's murdering chickens. WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!?!?!!!

Amanda is in bigger trouble than the chicken when the votes are made and Probst asks for the Hidden Immunity Idol. We wait. And wait. And waaaaaaaait and Good-bye Aman-OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS! Amanada has the Idol! Amanda is swinging the Idol on her finger and it's all academic now! Ozzie and Eliza can't believe it! Jason can't believe it! James and his IV can't believe it! "When I told you I didn't have it, I didn't have it then so I didn't lie. Cause now I haaaaave iiiiiit." Awesome.

Doesn't matter! Doesn't matter! Doesn't matter! Doesn't matter! Alexis! Alexis!


BONADUCE BLINDSIDED SLAM!

I'm surprised none of the Survivors broke their jaws when they hit the floor.

ELIMINATED
Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)
Yau-man (Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)
Jonathon (Favorites)
Chet (Fans)
Kathy (Fans)
Tracy (Fans)
Ami (Favorites)
Eliza (Favorites)
Ozzie (Favorites)
Jason (Fans)
James (Favorites)
Alexis (Fans)

NEXT WEEK!
Hush, Hush, keep it down now (Erik) voices carry! (to Natalie, three feet from where you're sitting)