TRYING TO PAY WITH CASH

[phone rings]
Mayor: Hello, this is the mayor of Hawesville.
FEMA: Hello Mayor, this is FEMA. Just calling to let you know you need to have your flood wall inspected and certified.
Mayor: Oh, thank goodness you called to remind me. Thank you FEMA for being so on top of things.
FEMA: You have ONE YEAR.
Mayor: What an odd thing to say. When's the soonest an inspector can come out? We have the money available right now.
FEMA: Ha-ha. That's cute. You can't just PAY for the inspection. What sense does that make?
Mayor: I guess you're right. It sure is nice of a federal government program to inspect flood walls for free to better ensure the health and safety of it's citi-
FEMA: Woah, woah, woah. Hold up. Did you just call me a Commie?
Mayor: No?
FEMA: Because it sounds like you just called me a Commie. Free? No, nothing's free. You just can't pay for it yourself. It has to come from the Army Corp of Engineers.
Mayor: Oh, okay, I guess that makes sense. Let's just hope they're better at cutting checks than building levies, right? Right?
FEMA: *sigh* Whatever. I've got horse racing to watch.
[phone call ends]

[new phone call]
ACoE: Army Corp of Engineers, "it was like that when we got there", how can I help you?
Mayor: I have to set up an appointment with FEMA inspectors to inspect our flood walls.
ACoE: Good call. Otherwise your flood insurance premiums are going to go through the roof. Mayor: Right. So, I just need to know when we can get a check cut to have the inspectors come by.
ACoE: Gotcha.
Mayor: ...
ACoE: ....
Mayor: .... So, end of the week, then?
ACoE: Funny thing about that. We don't have any money for you right now.
Mayor: I'm sorry, what?
ACoE: We don't have the money available to have your walls inspected.
Mayor: Oh. Well, we have enough money as a city. Can we just send the money to you and then you can give it back to us as a federal grant?
ACoE: No, that's not going to work.
Mayor: Well, what are we supposed to do?
ACoE: pffffffff.... don't know. Pound sand, I guess?
[phone disconnects]

[new phone call]
FEMA: FEMA, "doing the best we can once we get around to doing it", how can I help you?
Mayor: It's the Mayor again.
FEMA: You better get those walls inspected, the clock's ticking. Just think of the plummeting property values. No one wants to live in a flood plane.
Mayor: Yes, about that. The Army Corps of Engineers doesn't have the money for a federal grant right now.
FEMA: Ooooh, sucks to be you guys, huh?
Mayor: Yes, but we DO have the money to pay for the inspection. I have it sitting in bags right next to me. We could pay you cash.
FEMA: Look, I wouldn't expect a mayor to understand how government works, but that's just not going to fly.
Mayor: But we need to have our flood walls inspected.
FEMA: Darn right you do. Those things could probably go at any moment.
Mayor: And we need to pay for it.
FEMA: Why do people keep saying that like it's a surprise?
Mayor: But the Army Corps doesn't have the money.
FEMA: Doesn't sound like it.
Mayor: But we DO have the money.
FEMA: Now you're losing me.
Mayor: So why can't we just pay for the inspection ourselves?
FEMA: Because that's not the way we do things.
Mayor: Well, what if the Amry Corps doesn't get the money together for us in the next year and we can't pay for the inspection, what happens then?
FEMA: Well, I'll be frank with you, it's going to suck and it's going to suck hard. I mean, you're going to get absolutely boned.

[One Year Later]
Newscaster: Our top story tonight, Hawesville, after days of heavy, heavy rain, has been submerged under fifteen feet of water after their flood walls gave way. With me are representatives from both FEMA and the Army Corps of Engineers.
FEMA: Darn shame what happened here.
ACoE: Darn, darn shame. When are people going to realize they need to have these things inspected?
FEMA: Selfish, is really what it is.
ACoE: That was the exact word I was looking for. You wanna grab a burger?