RUMBLE AT CHUCK E. CHEESE

"Krrrrk! Car 14 reporting in."

Frank, let's not kid ourselves, we only have two cars.

"Krrrk! I know, and I want to be Car 14."

"Krrrk! Then we get to be Car 57."

"Krrrk! You can be Car Your Mom."

"Krrrk! Your mom!"

"Krrrk!"

Officers! Frank, Dave! C'mon now guys, we're the cops, we can't be behaving like this. What's the situation Frank.

"Krrrk! Car 14."

Car 14.

"Krrk! We're at the Chuck E. Cheese, we've got a bit of a disturbance between three teenage girls."

"Krrk! Heh-heh-heh."

Knock it off Dave. Copy that. Go on in, break it up. Then get back to work, no sticking around for the Animatronic show.

"Krrk! But it's 8:53. The show starts in 7 minutes."

"Krrk! Your mom starts in 7-"

Dave! Knock it off!

"Krrrk! Copy that."

"Krrrk!! Car 14 reporting! Car 14!"

Go ahead Frank.

"Krrk! We've got outright pandemonium here at the Chuck E. Cheese!!"

*sigh* You didn't shoot one of the skee ball machines again, did you?

"Krrk! Worse! We've got 80 people in here and they're all throwing 'bows!"

"Krrk! Like, toy bows?"

"Krrrk! Like EL-bows."

"Krrrk! Why wouldn't you just say-"

"Krrrk! Because I happen to enjoy hip-hop music and thought you'd get a modern cultural reference."

Did you say 80 people? At the Chuck E. Cheese?

"Krrk! Affirmative. There must have been at least 50 of them hiding in the ball pit. We're going to need more back up than just the paramedics."

"Krrrk! Paul's there? Tell him still owes me $15 from Monday night."

"Krrrk! Paul, Dave says you owe him $15. From Monday. He says he hasn't had time to get to an ATM yet. And we Still Need Back up!"

All right, just hold tight Frank. All cars, report to the Chuck E. Cheese, a massive disturbance at the Chuck E. Cheese.

"Krrrk! This is Car 57. I am the only other unit, on my way."

"Krrrk! We're going to need more than just Dave."

"Krrrk! That's not what your mom said last night."

"Krrrk! Will you SHUT UP about my mom? I swear I am going to pepper spray you in the mouth when you get here."

"Krrk! I'd like to see you try."

Car 14, the use of Pepper Spray has been advised.

"Krrk! What?? Captain!"

On the brawlers, Dave. Not on you.

"Krrk! Copy that. Using Pepper Sp- THEY ARE FREAKING OUT! I REPEAT THEY ARE FREAKING OUT!"

Say again Frank.

"Krrk! Car 14."

Car 14.

"Krrk! The Pepper Spray has only made them angry! 80 enraged teens all blindly flailing their arms and legs! Tell my wife I love her!"

"Krrk! You hang on Frank, you hear me? You HANG ON! I'm coming buddy!"

"Krrk! Car 14!"

Officers from Burton, Swartz Creek and the townships of Mundy, Clayton and Flint are all requested to provide back-up. Repeat, Burton, Swartz Creek, Mundy, Clayton and Flint.

"Krrk! This is Burton and Clayton over in Flint. Copy that."

"Krrk! This is Flint in Mundy. On my way."

"Krrk! This is Mundy in Clayton. Be there in a minute."

"Krrk! This is Swartz Creek in Swartz Creek. No can do. I've got a duck crossing situation that needs to be heavily monitored. The line goes back, six, maybe seven ducklings."

WELLLLLLL....

Nuts.

Football's funny like that. When you can't move the ball on offense, and you can't stop the other team on defense, and you can't score more points than them, 7 out of 10 times you're going to lose. After all, a guy can only blow so many field goal kicks.

So it's Giants vs The Christ Punchers at the Super Bowl in two weeks and things are kind of blue here in Wisconsin.

It COULD be worse, however. The Packers still managed to go 14-4 and made it to the NFC Championship game, which is better than any other team not named "The New York Giants" did. So we've got that going for us.

You know who I feel really bad for though? Hitler. Poor, poor Hitler.
(warning subtitles are NSFW)

SUNDAY, GREEN AND GOLD SUNDAY

RUN!! HE'LL KILL US ALL!!!

*Ahem* Sorry about that.

The Packers play on Sunday against the New York Giants, the winner gets to go The Super Bowl to face, most likely, The Christ Punchers aka The New England Patriots.

I hope the Packers win. Why?

Wisconsin takes the Packers seriously enough as is. We have moved CHRISTMAS EVE and CHRISTMAS DAY services to better accommodate game times. But the play-offs? Forget about it. We just had city hall jammed up with a 15 minute pep-rally. The streets were packed, despite it being -2 degrees Fahrenheit outside with the windchill. Pffft, -2? That's balmy, right guys? After all, kick off temps are supposed to be around -20 or so with the wind. And even that's not so bad. Really, after -5 you can't tell the difference. Because your skin has frozen.

But Matt, you say, my team's fan base is pretty intense too.
Really? Unless by team you mean "Bo Bice" I'd tend to argue with you.

Green Bay just CANCELLED "Seinfeld" re-runs for Saturday night because Eli Manning likes watching the show. Just taking it right off the 10 p.m. broadcast. This despite the fact that a) Eli Manning is in all likelihood in bed by 10 p.m. the night before a game b) that even if the local channel cancels "Seinfeld" he might still be able to find it on TBS or WGN and c) that every episode of "Seinfeld" ever is currently available for purchase on DVD, which Eli (who earns a base salary of $5.5 million) probably already owns. So why then? Because Eli Manning is the Giants' quarterback and we're playing the Giants and maybe, just maybe, it'll screw with his head enough to give us the edge.

And when I say "us" I realize that I am not on the team. But you have to support the Packers in Wisconsin. No, seriously, or this guy will get you. He tied up his own son and forced a jersey on him after the kid, who is 7, refused to wear a Packer jersey last Saturday.

So when I say I hope the Packers win on Sunday it is not because I am a huge Packer fan, or even a huge pro football fan. It is simply because I enjoy living, and do not wish to see this town implode around me Sunday at 8:45 p.m. CST.

At least the overturned car fires will keep us warm.

A LIFE LESSON IN PICTURES

Last night I was at a bar.


No, I'm sorry, a drinking establishment.

(We'll just pretend it was this nice)

One of our friends discovered that Budweiser now makes a beer PRE-MIXED with Clamato. It looks like this:
(In case you were worried about getting fat, there's also the Bud Light option)

Clamato, for those of you who don't know, is a mixture of

AND


Yum, right? Well we figured it would be like drinking a "Poor Man's Bloody Mary" and seeing as we'd already had enough to drink that this sounded like a good idea, we ordered a can and split it 5 ways.

That was the ONLY smart thing we did, as none of us could have stood an entire can of this concoction.

In our glasses it looked like this:


It smelled like this:


And it tasted like:

AND


Twenty hours, two teeth brushings, breakfast, morning coffee, and a lunch later and I can still taste it in the back of my mouth.

All I can say is:

B-DOUBLE E-DOUBLE R-U-N

The Smoking Gun reported a story about a woman arrested for driving drunk in Oregon. She was found "unconscious in her car" which was "running and in a snow bank...at 11:30 AM on December 28." The ironic stopping point? Mere feet from a "Don't Drink And Drive" sign.

They had to break the window to get her out, and she was hospitalized for a day before being released. Blood work done on her revealed a blood alcohol level of....

Drum Roll Please

0.72!

How high is that? So high The University of Oklahoma's Police Department's website doesn't even chart it!! It stops at .51, and that's if she was 100 pounds, and had had 10 drinks in less than an hour. And I should point out that anything over .4 is potentially fatal. This woman drank her way to Death's door, then kicked her way in and asked where the liquor cabinet was.

Wisconsin, I think we've found our Patron Saint.

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG

I was just on Myspace, clearing out the spam-bot friend requests and I had one new e-mail in my inbox. Curious, I decided to check it out.

The subject line "I am an attractive horny girl looking for some fun."

Fair enough. As a blogger, I get those sort of messages all the time.

The picture is what really sold me.

*sigh* They just don't make attractive horny girls like they used to.

WHEN I GROW UP TO BE A MAN

I've always hoped that I'll grow to be an old man. I don't know if that'll actually happen, with my record of terrible driving, my family's health history and my own fictionally high sodium levels, but if it does, I have some thoughts of the kind of old man I want to be.

I want to work some minimum wage job and just not give a rip about it. I want to wear suits all the time, so that I always look dapper. I want to just randomly curse. On days when I don't have to work I'll sit out on my yard in a lawn chair. For no reason. Just because I can.

But what I want to do most is fight off three intruders in my home and shoot one of them all while HAVING A HEART ATTACK. Because then I would be Harold Crown. Who is from, I kid you not, Niceville.

That is one old man who's yard you get off of when he tells you to.