BABY IT'S POORLY COVERED OUTSIDE

One of the local radio stations made the change over to Christmas Music the first Monday in November. Since there are only about a dozen or so Christmas songs (and Nooooo Dan Fogelburg's "Same Auld Lang Syne" does NOT count, no matter how many times you play it) you hear the same songs over and over by various artists.

I personally think the song that suffers the worst beating at the hands of different artists is "Baby It's Cold Outside". So please, all future generations of musicians, consider this song off limits.

Some of the worst offenders include:
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey
Ray Charles and Betty Carter
Tom Jones and Cerys Matthews
John Lithgow and Bebe Neuwirth (which is apparently so bad even YouTube doesn't have it)
And THIS Abomination, that American Idol can be blamed half for.

I swear, if God was one of us, God'd punch Bo Bice square in the throat.

What makes the song bad? A combination of things. Too slow, poor female singers, poor male singers, bad pairings of good singers and worst of all, forgetting this is a song that's supposed to be performed by Person A who is trying their best to knock boots with Person B, who is doing their best to at least pretend like they wouldn't like their boots knocked.

You know, like the original, from Neptune's Daughter.



THAT's how you do it.

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!

OH. HELL. YES.

ALMOST NOTHING SACRED

I do improv comedy. Sometimes that involves traveling to do a show for a group. It's always a little nerve wracking. We're doing a show outside of our club, we don't know what sort of crowd we'll be performing in front of, we don't even know how many of them know what our group is.

Last weekend I did a traveling show for a company's holiday party. We normally try, where ever we go, to do a family friendly show. Don't worry about that they said. We don't really WORRY about it, we said. It's just something we do.

Hogwash, they said. You should see our office. We swear, we're crude, we sexually harass! Our bosses get drunk! You should be "balls to the walls" for this show.

That was repeated to us by not one, not two, but three people. Be "balls to the walls".

So we started our show. They were yelling out sexual things, vulgarities, laughing at themselves and at each other. One of our players finally dropped a well timed f-bomb and they loved it. Nothing was off limits. We were allowed to go "balls to the walls".

And then I made fun of Brett Favre.


And suddenly, they didn't like our balls against their walls so much anymore.

SURVIVOR:CHINA FINALE

This is being written as the show happens, so if it's a little more stream of consciousness than normal, forgiveness please.
(So fresh, so hot, so full of SPOILERS)

Our Final Four are:
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Todd

We start with a five minute recap of how we got this far. And then it's straight into commercials.

During the break I hear the word "Frosty" and thought he was getting a spin off show. Turns out it's the non-Asian snowman.

Everyone returns to camp congratulating themselves on how far they've made it, but it's not over yet. Also, everyone's hungry. Which is odd, I don't remember anyone eating through all of their food since Australia. Especially with the amount of fish they were catching. Hmmm...

Does Denise have a gingerbread man tattooed on her arm?

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Wow. That came quick. Slow down Probst, we still have 105 minutes.
You have to haul blocks back and forth and then fill in a wall. Winner gets pizza, beer, soda and brownies. Amanda actually starts tearing up. The Fat Boy that lives inside of Todd almost bursts through his stomach. Wait... serving of one... that's an X-large pizza Probst.

The Fat Boy drives Todd at a frenzied pace to the bridge they have to assemble and for his puzzle blocks. ... not that I'm complaining, but why does Amanda even wear shorts to the challenges? They don't do the censors any good. Todd and Amanda stall on the wall building portion and Courtney is suddenly a lot more in the game than I thought she'd be.

In the end Pixilation wins out and Amanada walks away with it. She gives a real insincere "you guys did good too" as she walks away to eat.

Uh-oh, a TWIST! She can have all the food. Or she can share with one person. Or TWO. But someone one is certainly not getting fed. In the end she chooses only Todd.

So they go off and have an awesome time. Well, I mean awesome except for when Todd tells each girl a different "it's you and me until the end" story. Other than that, it was a rock n' roll show. But into every awesome time a little buzz kill must fall. So it's time for the "Good-bye to Other Players" moment or, as we like to call it at our viewings, "Oh, They Were On This Season?" Slowly they make their way along the trail lighting firecrackers as they go. At the summit?

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Final Immunity challenge? Huh. Looks like it'll be 3 "Final Survivors" again this season. Man, I wish they'd bring back James to bury this idea. Because it stinks. One of the three never gets any votes, and always makes the final council feel a lot more watered down. But first, a commercial break!

Seriously, they expect people to pay money for the Underdog DVD? Did anyone pay to see it in the theatre?

Oh, hello "Jericho". Maybe with the Writer's Strike people will actually watch your show. ... Probably not, Poor Man's "Lost".

Back to the challenge. Stack dishes and balance them on a pole. I see an unfair advantage for Courtney and Denise who make their living stacking dishes, but we'll see.

If it had been pillows Todd might have done better, but the Lil' Flight Attendant is first to dump his plates. Courtney drops next as she evaporates into dust. Denise then tries to make a deal and Amanda immediately blows her off. Having nothing to actual bargain with, I don't know what Denise was expecting. Heck, Rob made Amber play out the final immunity challenge on "All Star" and then he asked her to Marry Him for crying out loud.

Good-bye rice bowl, good-bye Denise. And Good-Bye Denise. No way they're letting you into the final three.

"Welcome to the Captain". Could be good. Could be the last throes of a desperate, script-less network.

We return to camp to find Denise begging Amanda for a reprieve with a pretty nice sob story. At the same time, that's a million dollar sob story, and Amanda can't risk that.

Todd, Courtney and Amanda all agree to get rid of Denise, but only Courtney agrees to tell her. Todd is still scheming, Amanda doesn't want to say because she wants to be seen as a sweetheart, cause that's her thing. She even promises Denise she won't write her name down. BA-WAHHH?? Look, there's nice and then there's dumb. Denise's vote from the jury side of things isn't going to cost you a million.

So Amanda goes off to talk to Denise while Todd and Courtney worry about the chance of losing to Denise. As Courtney says, "this isn't welfare, it's not our fault she sucks at life."

"...I'm the biggest bitch on the planet, aren't I?"

Amanda pleads the pro-Denise platform to Courtney who doesn't seem too impressed. But we'll see what happens at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Biggest thing to come out of this council is Amanada, who's playing the sweetheart game, verbally smacking down Denise. "She even said she had my back." "Uh, I've said that, but I didn't say that today." Worse still for her image, Todd then calls Amanda on it.

Denise, Todd, Denise... Denise. Uhhhhhh-oh. So much for "I won't write your name down."




Bring It On: In It To Win It has the most commercial time of any straight-to-DVD film I've ever seen.

We return to camp where Amanda is crying... again. She says Todd made her look bad in front of the jury. I think her comment made her look bad in front of the jury. Todd tries to smooth things over but she's not listening. She'd rather mope it out then hug it out. The humorous thing is that Amanda acts like she never realized before now that Todd was a schemer.

Courtney thinks she might win because she's never been fake. Sure, she's a b-word, but she's been a b-word to everyone equally. As Professor Higgens would say "it's not that I treat you badly, it's if you've ever seen me treat anyone better."

Toddy thinks he might win because while he's been a schemer and stabbed some people in the back, it IS just a game. C'mon bro's, high fives, right?

Amanda just thinks she's going to cry a bunch. Maybe that will win them over. I'm starting to doubt it. We won't know until-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Which we're now at.

Amanda mentions being blessed and feels bad for kicking out James, Jean-Robert and Frosti. Curiously she doesn't mention Denise, and it was her idea to get rid of James.

Todd says "I've lived my dream" and thanks the jury. Wow. Why not sing a verse of "God Bless America" while you're at it. He plays the "small boy" card just like Amanda predicted.

Courtney makes the case that she stuck around longer than anyone thought, she DID win an immunity challenge and that she was always upfront with people so she should be credited for that. Oh, and for not dying. They need to give her credit for that too.

James goes first- he asks a nice question because, as he figures, "there might be some hard questions coming up, and I'm not going to be a Bitter Buddy."

Jean-Robert- Who should I vote for? I don't like any of you. Courtney says "look, I made it this far, vote for me." Amanda struggles for an answer. Todd does the best by saying "Look, you were really strategic and smart, I had to get rid of the smart threat." Which is just the sort of ego stroke Jean-Robert's been looking for all game. James then laughs because it's the first time he's ever seen Jean-Robert silenced.

Peih-Gee- Todd did you slide in? Todd, hells to the no. I got Amanda, I got Courtney, I picked all of you guys off after the merge, I came into the final numbers with my people still intact. SHAZAM! Amanda, why are you always sounding apologetic, what cool thing did you do? Oh, I don't know, I chopped out James, how you like me now? No question for Courtney.

Erik- Wow. He said ass. I didn't think people from Virginia did that. Amanda gives an answer he didn't like and makes her answer again. He only asks her and sounds unconvinced. I can see the votes stacking up for Todd as we speak.

Frosti- References himself in the third person. I think he's going to go with Courtney, they were Schmoopie for each other. Todd apologizes for sticking a shiv in him. But now he seems ticked that she got him kicked out. She tells the truth about no one trusting her about actually voting against Frosti. I don't know if he actually believes her. More the pity. No question for Amanda.

Jamie- Well it's time of the show when someone goes off. Jamie, who's had the longest to sit and stew comes out both barrels. Courtney doesn't do a good enough job of bad mouthing Todd, so Todd and Amanda take the opportunity to-

Bondacue Slam

Todd is the only one willing to say he deserves the money.

Denise- Wow. Unpony-tailed that's a BIG mullet. Denise takes her time to read each of them the riot act. Oh, except for Courtney. Maybe this being "the biggest bitch on the planet" could be worth $1,000,000.

My guesses?
Amanda 2 (James, Peih-Gee)
Courtney 2 (Frosti, Denise)
Todd 3 (Jean-Robert, Erik, Jamie)

They used to let you make a closing argument as well. I'm sorry they don't have that any more.

Time to vote. I get Jamie right, I get Erik wrong, I got Denise right, Jean-Robert can't work a pen. Now we get the classic Probst psych-out... wow! They're suddenly live in Hollywood. No cross-country trek, no jet ski, no chopper parachute... I'm... I'm actually a little sad.

Holy crap, someone ate Courtney! Oh, no that's her, she actually just has meat on her bones and looks normal. I think Todd is wearing lipstick.

Votes:
Courtney
Amanda
Todd
Courtney
Todd
Todd
Todd!

Your winner of Survivor: China is Todd Herzog. All of Utah celebrates. Both of them. Hold up, he's got 18 brothers and sisters, I guess he really is Mormon.

According to Probst Todd was 14 when the show came on the air (the first one that is, not this season). He studied the game and used it to his full advantage. A statement like that makes me think my friend Andy could win this game. If he wasn't, you know, allergic to everything God ever created.

I don't really watch the Survivor Reunion, but if YOU do, remember it, because this is how you win the game.

And with that, this season of Survivor is

SURVIVOR

Apologies right off the bat. I never got a chance to watch last week's Survivor. Also, the CBS feed was being jaggy again, so I only skimmed the first half, but I saw the second half live, so we're good to go, trust me. And with Erik gone I have fewer virgin jokes to make anyway.

(When the shark bites, with it's teeth SPOILERS)




Hae Da Fung is:
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Erik(gone)
Frosti(gone)
James(gone)
Jamie(gone)
Jean-Robert(gone)
Peih-Gee
Todd

So, last week was family week, and I'm sorry I missed it, cause that's usual good for some tears. Denise won the challenge and pissed off Peih-Gee by not taking her. The Peih-Gee won immunity and let Erik take the ax. *sniff* You were too pure and beautiful for this world my friend.

Good morning! I find it interesting that Courtney curls up on Todd who in turn curls up on Amanda. If that's not foreshadowing, I don't know what is.

Like I said, I had to watch an abbreviated on-line version, so let's get right to the-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
It's bow and arrow time for the contestants with an added twist. They get to give arrows, secretly, to other players, increasing their supply. Who ever has their name hit the most wins the reward, a trip to the Great Wall of China!

Denise winds up winning yet again and all is good in Lunch Lady Land. Todd and Courtney play peas and carrots to her Salisbury steak and the three go off for fun leaving Amanda and Peih-Gee behind to bond.

So, that's two rewards in a row that Denise has won and neither time has she taken Peih-Gee even though Peih-Gee took her to the Kung-Fu Variety Hour two weeks ago. Do you think this sits well with Peih-Gee? No. No it does not.

The Survivors eventually return to camp and Amanda has something brewing in her brain. But she'll tell Denise after-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
It's a greatest hits Immunity Challenge where the Survivors will have to first throw more throwing stars at targets. Man, I swear Sir Mix-a-lot should write a song about Amanda. Oh wait, he did.

Todd is the first casualty and it's on to the eating challenge. It's the same bird fetus that Denise couldn't swallow last time. So guess who loses? If you didn't say Denise you should maybe get off the Internet.

Courtney, Amanda and Peih-Gee are then required to put their ball handling skills to the test. Amanda moves through the course quickly. Maybe too quickly. Hmmmm... don't know how I feel about that. Peih-Gee redeems herself from the first ball bouncing challenge and finishes before Courtney.

Which is good, because the last challenge is cutting off puzzle blocks and putting them on a pole. Last time Courtney tried this challenge the ropes were breaking from old age rather than from her paltry swings. Despite a minor snag, Amanda finishes first, ending Peih-Gee's immunity streak. So what was that brilliant idea Amanda?

"I think we should get rid of Todd."

*sigh* Okay, one, everyone watching has had that idea since week 4 and two, Peih-Gee is finally vulnerable to attack and Todd has never won an individual immunity challenge. Listen Johnny, Sweep The Leg.

Let's see what they decide to do at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL
Wow. This is the first time I've gotten to see James since he was voted off. He looks YOUNG.

Probst asks some questions about the reward and Courtney says it was like, awesome enough, but if there'd been, like, pizza and beer or whatever, it would have been more radical. So, like, if China could keep that in mind next time, that'd be wicked.

Probst then asks why someone should or shouldn't go tonight and Peih-Gee spins some bull-oney about being a good and honest and non-cheating player. How did Aaron react to that? ...

...

... Aaron?

Ohhhh that's right, he was sent home after Peih-Gee THREW THE CHALLENGE. So you can take your "honorable style of play" and your four votes and


ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)
Aaron (Denise)
Sherea (New Denise)
Jamie (Black Fighting Wind)
Jean-Robert (Black Fighting Wind)
Frosti (Black Fighting Wind)
James (Black Fighting Wind)
Erik (Black Fighting Wind)
Peih-Gee (Black Fighting Wind)

We are down to the final show this Sunday and we're down to our Final Four Survivors. On a quick side note, myself and two friends picked players at the beginning of the show. I picked Denise and am the only person with a Survivor left. On another interesting side note, this final two (or three) will be the first all white group in three seasons since Panama and the abomination that was the Aras/Danielle final. We've been promised 3 Tribal councils so it looks like it will be a final two again this year. Which is good, because no one ever votes for that third wheel. Poor Cassandra and Becky.

If I were Denise, I'd try and take Courtney. Amanda's more popular than you, Todd played a smarter game, but Courtney's a brat.

If I were Amanda, I'd try and take Courtney. Denise is a feel good story, Courtney will vote for Todd instead of you if she's eliminated, so you've got to keep her with you. Plus, you're sweet and Courtney is sour.

If I were Todd, I'd try and take Courtney. You could maybe paint Denise as a gravy train-er (which juries hate), but they might still like her better than you. They'll like Amanda better because while she schemed Todd was still the face of the duo. But Courtney is obnoxious and disliked, you know that sir.

If I were Courtney, I'd start praying.

I'M JUST SAYING

Bobby Petrino is a special kind of scumbag.

"The View From The Bleachers" sums it up perfectly.

Maybe the man just doesn't understand what a contract is. Maybe he thinks it's awfully nice of these people to just keep handing him money every two weeks.

All I'm saying is 3 things:
1) I hope the Razorbacks have a real ironclad money back deal worked out when, not if, Petrino decides to move to yet greener pastures.
2) How is a man who apparently knows nothing about loyalty, commitment or even seeing a bad situation through supposed to mold young men into something worthwhile?
3) I am going to celebrate every single Arkansas loss next year. And they were a mediocre team this year, so I'm sure I'll have plenty of chances to celebrate.

So get those scoreboards ready Alabama, Auburn, LSU, Mississippi and Mississippi State. Same goes for you Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Tennessee and Vanderbilt. Time to run 'em up!

Well... maybe not Georgia and Auburn. Those guys suck.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD SIDE NOTE

I know sometimes in *sigh* "l337" speak people replace the "heart/art" sound with the little less than sign and a 3. I tried to do that, to keep it real and all, and each time I did the editing software not only ate the rest of Morse's "quote" but then screwed up the text for the entire rest of the page.

So, you win this round l337. Roxxor on, and learn how to type.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 12-12-07

Worzala's Wednesday Word has come out of hiatus to bring you the word "kid", as in "I kid you not, the Merriam-Webster Word of the year is 'w00t'."

Yes, that's right. A word created by on-line gamers as part of their "elite speak", which they in turn truncate to "leet" which in turn is then mangled into "l33t" or *sigh* "l337". Look at that, that is an actual word to them and it's 75% numbers. And now they have the word of the year, even though it's got ZEROES in it!

According to Merriam-Webster's president, John Morse, "w00t" was an ideal choice because it blends whimsy and new technology.

Said Morse, "d00ds, 2day star7s a nu day 4 language!!1 inglish got pwned hard!! suxxor it n00bs, teh future iz ourz nowz!!eleven"

Morse, known as WurdDok on X-box Live, then slammed, like, an entire bottle of Mountain Dew Gamer Fuel and proceeded to beat Halo 3 on Epic.

THAT MELODY IS OFF THE CHAIN

I don't share a lot of personal information with you fine Star Worz-iors and I hope you are okay with that. But one thing I can tell you, because you've probably already figured it out from the context clues, is that I'm getting married next year.

The Fiancee and I have been tossing out ideas and it looked like our first dance together would be Yazz's "Only You" (which, by the way, is pretty impossible to find on YouTube. Tanks fer' nuthing, Time Person of the Year 2006!).

But now there's a snag, as one of the guys I work with here at my unidentified job is going to be our D.J. He recently showed me this wedding first dance and I have to admit, it's pretty hard to top. I mean, there's something to be said for the classics.

[Ed- My Fiancee is prettier than this girl. Though I'm not as good looking as the guy, so it evens out.]

ANGELS AND AIRWAVES

Overheard at The Victoria Secret Fashion Show backstage.

"We can't get this can open. See if Posh Spice is hanging around, maybe we can use her chin."

"Do these wings make my thong look small?"

"Seriously, girls, if you could just stop eating the Domino's pizza for ten seconds we can get things started."

"We're going to need some rope over here! One of the models fell into a hole in Seal's face!"

"Geri, I loved that movie made about your husband with Keira Knightley. Oh, wait, that was my husband, David Beckham."

"My idol? Dr. Izzie Stevens, of course."

"Everyone remember, we have Model U.N. tomorrow at my house. Adriana is bringing Rice Krispie Treats."

"I swear to God, if she pokes me with those wings one more time I'm throwing her off the walkway."

"Is that Doogie Howser?"

"What do you mean Tim Gunn isn't here?"

"Mel B, I love how all through Dancing With The Stars your famous soccer playing husband was there cheering you on. Oh, wait, your husband isn't a famous soccer player, mine is. Sorry."

"Help me! I stared directly at Seal's pants and now I'm blind!"

"Three kids? I don't look that good after three Tic Tacs. ****in' Germans."

"Is that Ryan Seacrest? ... is Seal on American Idol right now?"

"Marissa Miller's spilling out of her top. Yes, AGAIN."

"Mel C, congratulations on your husband becoming the highest paid footballer in America. Wait... your last name isn't Beckham, MINE is. Silly me."

"Model U.N. I just got that."

"Can we get another cameraman? Our's just fainted!"

"I just don't know. Maybe he wore a mask until Heidi agreed to marry him."

"Is this The Hives? Man, what happened to them?"

"Is that the third male lead from CSI: Miami? Seriously, are we just giving tickets away to anyone who shows up?"

"Geri, it's so great to have you back. I know how busy you must be, moving from England to America to be with your devastatingly handsome soccer god of a husband. Oh, I'm sorry did I say Geri? I meant me, Victoria."

"Could I please get some more feathers, jewelery AND beads on this bra please?"

"The Hanes outlet off the interstate is having a sale on bras tomorrow if anyone wants to go with me."

"Victoria, I just wanted to say how good it is to have you here. I hope the 4th season of your hit reality show goes as well as your marriage to a world famous singer. Oh waiiiiiit, that's ME. Now be a doll and open this can."