WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 3-7-07

Today's Wednesday Word is "cow" as in, "Here's a new reason to fear a cow."

Cows are scarier than you think. Let's get that right out in the open. For years they've been blamed for "producing" high amounts of methane gas that then gets trapped in our atmosphere, which in turn causes the planet to heat, which in turn melts the ice caps, slowly but surely drowning all of us. Then came mad cow disease. Mad cow disease isn't just trouble if you eat the infected beef, though that's bad enough. America has had, if I remember off the top of my head, three Mad Cow incidents in the last 3 years. Canada has had over half a dozen (again, if my memory serves me correctly). This means other countries, like Japan (one of our top 5 buyers), don't want to accept our beef anymore. So ranchers are going out of business because of it as well. Thanks a lot cows.

So up until now cows could hurt you environmentally, financially and physically. The only saving grace was they could only hurt you physically if you ate them.

That might all change soon.

Check out this article from Scotsman.com about a cow in India that is eating live chickens. They thought it was wild dogs until they actually witnessed the darn cow walk up to the coop in the middle of the night and "grab the little ones with the precision of a jungle cat."

Now, did they try to stop the cow? No! They just stood there and watched while their cow helped its bloodthirsty self to a fresh chicken dinner. Why? Because in India, cows are sacred animals. Well I'm sorry, I try to be respectful of all cultures, but what were you thinking? If Jesus lived on my farm and I found out He was eating my chickens out of my coop I would at the very least have told Him to shoo. If that didn't work I probably would have been forced to fire a warning shot across His bow. But I wouldn't have just stood there while The Good Shepard chowed down on my livelihood. I invite you to my home, I give you fresh hay, I promise not to make you into hamburgers, and this is how you repay me Jesus? I don't remember any of this being covered in the Sermon on the Mount. "Blessed are those who raise poultry, for they shall have them eaten by Me in the middle of the night."

If Jesus DID eat my chickens, at least he would have the excuse that he is a human being, and humans are omnivores. We eat meat. It's what we do. Cows are herbivores. They eat plants. It's what they do. But now, now they're eating meat? I don't know about you, but it scares me when animals start eating things they aren't supposed to. Especially when their new meals are made of the same thing (meat) as I am.

India's explanation? The cow was a tiger in a former life. Really? Cause that doesn't make me feel any safer. If anything that makes me more freaked out. First it's tigers, then it's sharks, followed by great white sharks, followed by Charles Manson. Then we're all screwed. Do you know the ratio of humans to cows on this planet? I sure don't, but I'm going to say it's 1:3. That's three meat craving New Holstein death machines for every man, woman and child in the world. And Child. You think a baby can fight off a cow? Please, let's get serious, okay? Have you ever seen a baby? Have you ever seen a chicken? Ask yourself: which one of these two is smarter? And then answer yourself: chicken.

This problem is starting in India, but their soft-on-cow-violence ways aren't going to provide any solutions. Soon the problem is going to spread. First Asia, then Europe and finally to our own soil. What can we do, as Americans, to preserve our way of life? Simple. Tonight, tomorrow (if you're not Catholic) and all next week, make sure to have some beef every day. It's time to remind those cud-chompers who's the alpha male of this planet.

Saving The World: It's What's For Dinner.