OOOH THE FLOSSY, FLOSSY
Fergie has a new song. The video can be found here. (note: I don't know why the audio suddenly drops three levels about 20 seconds in, it just does) I would not recommend watching the video, because it is not very good. Also, if you watch the video, you will have to look at Fergie. I'm not going to say that Fergie is unattractive, because that would be a mean thing to say. (however, I'm not going to say she is attractive. I'm really not going to say that)
As you may remember, I am not a big Fergie fan. I did not like "London Bridge" and it's nonsensical chorus and I did not like "Fergalicious" who's twin crimes to humanity were "my body stays vicious/I be up at the gym just working on my fitness" and "I know I'm coming off just a little bit conceited/and I keep on repeating how the boys wanna eat it". But I will hand it to her this time. "Glamorous" is a song that I am enjoying. Well, I like the beat anyway. The lyrics, once again, are not Fergie's strong suit. Which would be fine, if this was... I don't know, anything but a song.
We start right off the bat with a little bit of spelling. I do not know what sparked the current spelling craze in female pop music, but I blame Gwen Stefani's "Holla Back Girl" and the "B-a-n-a-n-a-s" chorus. Fergie is a lot like Gwen, except, you know, not as attractive or from an actual band. But what she lacks in outer appearances and inner talent she makes up for in her dedication to spelling. They spelled both Delicious and Tasty in "Fergalicious" and now we're learning how Glamorous is spelled. It's "G-l-a-m-o-r-ous" in case you weren't able to read that last sentence.
Now we get the first verse, which, like the rest of the song is not good. But darn it all if that syncopated clapping doesn't hook me every time. Apparently Fergie wants us to know that despite being covered in diamonds, gold and "expensive things" and being in movies and on magazine covers, she's still that same girl everyone knew back in the day. Ahhhh yes, the "I'm still that same simple person" song. On the country side of the charts Faith Hill had a huge hit with "Mississippi Girl" which said basically the same thing. Of course, as anyone can tell you, if you have to put out a song about how you haven't changed, it's because you have changed. Fergie also mentions she can be seen in "bougie scenes" though I doubt she could spell "bourgeois" phonetically (and yes, I did have to look up the spelling) let alone tell you what makes a scene "bougie".
What Fergie can tell you is that she's "not clean... not pristine... no queen... no machine." Now, I don't remember anyone ever accusing Fergie of being a cyborg, but I'm glad she took time to clean up that machine rumor that was apparently going around. Also, not to be too critical, but for someone who had a documented crystal meth problem, I would think Fergie would have avoided using the phrase "not clean". But what do I know, I'm just a professional writer. Fergie also likes to hit Taco Bell late at night "raw as hell". This is one time the language of the streets has left me confused. I have no idea what it means to be "raw as hell". I have some ideas though, as raw could mean:
a) Unprotected sex
b) Very drunk
c) In a chemically altered state
d) Disheveled
e) Not cooked thoroughly
Though I assume it is one of the first three, I can only hope it is not, as any of those is a terrible message for a celebrity of Fergie's status to be sending to young people. "Heck yeah I'll go to Taco Bell with you guys. I've been doing keg stands for 40 minutes while smoking pot, but who doesn't love Gorditas. Let me just finish having unprotected sex with this person real quick."
Then we have the mandatory rapper insert. Fergie nabs Ludacris long enough for a voice modulation unit to have some fun with his voice. Ludacris does manage to squeeze in the best rhyme of the song when he raps, "And I gotta keep enough lettuce/to support your shoe fetish/lifestyle so rich and famous/Robin Leach'll get jealous". Of course, Ludacris is paid to be able to rhyme, Fergie is paid for her ability to squeeze into a pair of shorts and a child's t-shirt.
Despite all the glamor of her fame and wealth, Fergie wants us to know that it's not all caviar kisses and champagne dreams. She drops the requisite "the industry is cold" line that can only ring hollow considering the career she's had. She's got a solo album that's sold just shy of 1.5 million copies and is part of an act who's last two albums combined have sold more than 17 million copies, despite being full of songs that have been referred to by some critics as "vacuous, pointless, vile and generally loathsome". If that's your idea of cold, I can't wait to see what you consider a luke-warm treatment.
Speaking of favorable treatment, does Fergie have anything to say to her fans that have paid hard earned money for those 1.5 million Dutchess CDs? Why yes. Yes she does. She says, and I quote, "and I really like to thank/all these fans I'd like to thank/thank you really though".
No Fergie, it's you we ought to "thank, thank you really though". Thank you for reminding us all to stay true to ourselves, despite the "flossy, flossy".
And don't let the d-o-o-r h-i-t you on the way out.
As you may remember, I am not a big Fergie fan. I did not like "London Bridge" and it's nonsensical chorus and I did not like "Fergalicious" who's twin crimes to humanity were "my body stays vicious/I be up at the gym just working on my fitness" and "I know I'm coming off just a little bit conceited/and I keep on repeating how the boys wanna eat it". But I will hand it to her this time. "Glamorous" is a song that I am enjoying. Well, I like the beat anyway. The lyrics, once again, are not Fergie's strong suit. Which would be fine, if this was... I don't know, anything but a song.
We start right off the bat with a little bit of spelling. I do not know what sparked the current spelling craze in female pop music, but I blame Gwen Stefani's "Holla Back Girl" and the "B-a-n-a-n-a-s" chorus. Fergie is a lot like Gwen, except, you know, not as attractive or from an actual band. But what she lacks in outer appearances and inner talent she makes up for in her dedication to spelling. They spelled both Delicious and Tasty in "Fergalicious" and now we're learning how Glamorous is spelled. It's "G-l-a-m-o-r-ous" in case you weren't able to read that last sentence.
Now we get the first verse, which, like the rest of the song is not good. But darn it all if that syncopated clapping doesn't hook me every time. Apparently Fergie wants us to know that despite being covered in diamonds, gold and "expensive things" and being in movies and on magazine covers, she's still that same girl everyone knew back in the day. Ahhhh yes, the "I'm still that same simple person" song. On the country side of the charts Faith Hill had a huge hit with "Mississippi Girl" which said basically the same thing. Of course, as anyone can tell you, if you have to put out a song about how you haven't changed, it's because you have changed. Fergie also mentions she can be seen in "bougie scenes" though I doubt she could spell "bourgeois" phonetically (and yes, I did have to look up the spelling) let alone tell you what makes a scene "bougie".
What Fergie can tell you is that she's "not clean... not pristine... no queen... no machine." Now, I don't remember anyone ever accusing Fergie of being a cyborg, but I'm glad she took time to clean up that machine rumor that was apparently going around. Also, not to be too critical, but for someone who had a documented crystal meth problem, I would think Fergie would have avoided using the phrase "not clean". But what do I know, I'm just a professional writer. Fergie also likes to hit Taco Bell late at night "raw as hell". This is one time the language of the streets has left me confused. I have no idea what it means to be "raw as hell". I have some ideas though, as raw could mean:
a) Unprotected sex
b) Very drunk
c) In a chemically altered state
d) Disheveled
e) Not cooked thoroughly
Though I assume it is one of the first three, I can only hope it is not, as any of those is a terrible message for a celebrity of Fergie's status to be sending to young people. "Heck yeah I'll go to Taco Bell with you guys. I've been doing keg stands for 40 minutes while smoking pot, but who doesn't love Gorditas. Let me just finish having unprotected sex with this person real quick."
Then we have the mandatory rapper insert. Fergie nabs Ludacris long enough for a voice modulation unit to have some fun with his voice. Ludacris does manage to squeeze in the best rhyme of the song when he raps, "And I gotta keep enough lettuce/to support your shoe fetish/lifestyle so rich and famous/Robin Leach'll get jealous". Of course, Ludacris is paid to be able to rhyme, Fergie is paid for her ability to squeeze into a pair of shorts and a child's t-shirt.
Despite all the glamor of her fame and wealth, Fergie wants us to know that it's not all caviar kisses and champagne dreams. She drops the requisite "the industry is cold" line that can only ring hollow considering the career she's had. She's got a solo album that's sold just shy of 1.5 million copies and is part of an act who's last two albums combined have sold more than 17 million copies, despite being full of songs that have been referred to by some critics as "vacuous, pointless, vile and generally loathsome". If that's your idea of cold, I can't wait to see what you consider a luke-warm treatment.
Speaking of favorable treatment, does Fergie have anything to say to her fans that have paid hard earned money for those 1.5 million Dutchess CDs? Why yes. Yes she does. She says, and I quote, "and I really like to thank/all these fans I'd like to thank/thank you really though".
No Fergie, it's you we ought to "thank, thank you really though". Thank you for reminding us all to stay true to ourselves, despite the "flossy, flossy".
And don't let the d-o-o-r h-i-t you on the way out.
posted by Matt Worzala at
1:01 PM
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