THINGS I'VE LEARNED...

ABOUT YOUTH SOFTBALL

1) On offense you're only as strong as your girls. If you stack your team with nothing but your pretty girlfriends who aren't sure if they're even holding the bat right, you're going to lose more often than not. One of you has to have a friend that's at least mildly athletic, get her and then one of her friends.

2) On defense you're only as good as your pitcher. It doesn't matter how high the arc or how fast the pitch, if the pitcher can't hit the broad side of a barn, you're going to walk people. And those walks are going to turn in to runs. If your pitcher is crap, your team is crap. It's the transitive property of team sports. If your pitcher IS crap, practice during the week and become better than they are. Then convince people you should have the job. Then have them erased from team records and photos and ship anyone that mentions them to the gulag. ...wait, that's how to become the leader of Russia, sorry. But up to the "erase their existance" part, that's good advice.

3) If you're wearing batting gloves in slow-pitch, it means you're a loser. If you then tuck them in your pocket after you hit, it means you will die a virgin.

4) You can bench 300 pounds and run a 4.4 40 but if you dip your shoulder, you're just going to fly out every time. Few things are more embarrassing.

5) Don't watch strike three. That's more embarrassing. Especially in high arc.

6) Don't be afraid to walk. Guys have this fear that taking a free ride to first will magically emasculate them in front of their peers. You can't score runs without runners, and you should never turn down something free. At the same time, swing if it's close. Don't be a sissy.

7) Please, no more than 3 Napolean Dynamite references per game. Yes, we've all seen the movie. Quoting something funny, does not make you funny. After the third time it just makes you annoying. P.s. Don't say "Need a little Bingo", that makes no sense. Just say "Get a hit."

8) If you are no good, just play catcher. No offense to all the catchers out there, but in most rec softball there is not an easier position, short of "batting order list holder". In high arc you don't even have to catch the ball, just pick it up when it stops rolling and throw it toward the pitcher. Doesn't even have to be a good throw. You don't even really need a glove. Just a thick mitten.

9) If you are going to make a big deal about the runner turning the wrong way after crossing first, you better be ready to run them down. Because if you miss the throw to second (and you will, c'mon, we've all seen your arm) the runner's going to take third while the ball bounces around the outfield. Now they've got a triple and you look like an idiot. Sorry, idiot.

10) I know you're 17 years old, and that automatically makes you the coolest person on the diamond. Every word that comes out of your mouth, when you aren't hilariously saying "Give me your tots!", is said with the wisdom of Solomon. You've been watching baseball highlights on ESPN since you were 12. Guess what? I am still the umpire. You are still out. No, raising your voice isn't going to change my mind. And speaking of that, When is your voice going to drop anyway?