FORCE FED UP

I've been seeing trailers for Star Wars: Cashing In, errrrr, Clone Wars, for a while now. If you haven't seen it, here's the trailer.



This movie is going to suck.

Why? Because I already know everything that's going to happen. And everything that's not going to happen. How do I know? Because I saw the movie that comes after this one, THREE YEARS AGO.

Oh no, a scary bald woman is coming at Obi-Wan, he could be in trouble!
No, he's not.
But what if I told you she had TWO lightsabers?
No, nothing's going to happen to him. Because he's in EPISODE FOUR. And she's NOT. So I'm willing to guess what her fate is.

Uh-oh, Count Dooku is fighting Anakin in the desert, he's doomed!
No, he's not.
But Dooku just told him "You've failed, Jedi"!
So? Dooku gets an Epic Fail at life in Episode Three when Anakin plays "Beauty School Dropout" with a pair of lightsabers and Dooku's head.

Well, I mean, the robots are winning! Oh nos! The droid army is unstoppable!
Yeah, I remember the South winning a couple of battles as well, last I checked, I wasn't sweating Gettysburg.

The only person who's fate hangs anywhere close to "in the balance" is the red-faced Jedi Ahsoka (I had to look up the spelling) and that's only because I can't remember if she's killed during the great Jedi purge in Episode III or not. And no, I'm not going back to watch Episode III a second time.

You know what George? You know what would have made this movie really good? Perhaps even exciting? If you had MADE IT WHEN IT MATTERED. Instead of shoe-horning more story into an already completed novel, maybe you could have made THIS Episode II, made Episode II into Episode I and wiped Pod Racing off the face of the plane. Maybe that would have been an idea someone could have thrown out at the meetings.

Oh, and p.s. you couldn't have gotten Frank Oz to do the voice of Yoda? He's only been doing it for, you know, EVER.