AWESOME-O

I've been meaning to post this for about a week or so, ever since I stumbled upon it at KSK.

There is good crazy, like "Hey, let's dress up cowboys and run around the park lassoing each other."

There is bad crazy, like "I love you so much sometimes I just want to stab out your soul and keep it in my pocket."

And then there is CRAZY crazy, like "The moon is a actually the last living dinosaur in disguise and only he knows the word the humans forgot that allowed them to fly in the days of magic."

And then, beyond even that is Italian Spiderman.

This is part 4. Don't worry, everything is so looped out of it's mind on Awesome Pills that it wouldn't make sense even if you DID watch the first 3 parts.

Come for the random violence, stay for the rampant misogyny, come back for the carefree murder in the name of science and stick around for the menace of CAPTAIN MAXIMUM.

TERROR ALERT LEVEL: WTF

I got a spam e-mail this week telling me that Bin Laden had been captured finally. I was stoked. Even more stoked when I found out not only had he been captured but that I could "increase my girth and duration by countlessness" for only two payments of $12.95.

Then I read on Yahoo today that another terrorist is getting the namby-pamby treatment from all the Schmibrals in Washington. Apparently they want him taken off the list because it's going to be his biiiiiiirthday. Ooooooh, his birthday. Well, we'll just pretend everything's cool then, I guess. Yeah, no harm no foul, cause you're turning 90.

Where does Nelson Mandela get off? Seriously.

I mean, uh, hello Washington, the man DID fight against white oppression in South Africa. If the guy didn't want to be oppressed maybe he should have come up with some more peaceful solutions, like being white, for example. That would have solved everything.

Just because "Mandela was jailed for 27 years for his struggle against apartheid, and has become a worldwide symbol of freedom." and "He was hailed for overseeing the peaceful transition from white to black rule as South Africa's first post-apartheid era president." according to Reuters is no reason to start getting soft on Terror.

Next thing you know they'll be backsliding on Robert E. Lee and Bono.

IN HAWAII THIS WOULD BE AN AWARD WINNING POST

I've been sitting on spam e-mail titles for over a month now. I was hoping to do... I don't know, something with them, but I never could figure out what. As some of you more dedicated Star Worz-iors know, I used to do a "Friday Sp-oetry" section, but that was eventually cut due to lack of interest by both you, the Star Worz-iors, and myself. You can only try and spin "Larger Love Unit" into something poetic so many weeks in a row. I blame it on the boring spam I was getting. Peter tried to help, sending me some Japanese spam, but the file must of corrupted because I couldn't read it and the words were all mumbo-jumbo. Half of it was widgets instead of letters.

So here are some of the golden grahams that I've gotten lately.

-Goodiest Offer
(Wait, is that better than Best? What about Bestest?)

-Power drill your way to her
(Two movies come to mind. Porky's and Tetsuo, The Iron Man. Trust me, DON'T see Tetsuo. At least not after eating.)

-You should be made of honor
(Uhhh, I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure I'm better off being made of bone and muscle.)

-Be the pleasure machine of legend
(Now THAT is a spam title I can get behind! I envision a bronze statue years in the future with "Here Lies The Pleasure Machine" inscribed on a plaque below it. And then Charlton Heston rides up on it and freaks the heck out.)

-geysered sneezewort
(Anyone know that this means? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?)

-She will sure like how those pilules enhanced you.
(Those "pilules"? Well heck, nothing shady sounding about that. Sign me up!)

-Rod of pleasure in your pants
(Is that a rod of pleasure in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? Rod of pleasure sounds like something Starman would carry.)

-It's driller time!
(Oh man, is it drill o'clock all ready? I think I'll have a Driller Genuine Draft.)

-Your pants' key from her bedroom.
(So, if I understand you correctly, my pants have a key. And that key is located in her bedroom. And you will give me this key if I open this e-mail? Question, couldn't I just switch to button fly?)

-Feel proud if being a MAN!
(If being a woman, feel shame. So much shame.)

-Set your wife on fire
(Worst Marital Advice. Ever.)

NOT GONNA HAPPEN

Just real quick.

Obama is not going to pick Hillary for his VP. Why? Cause he's not dumb. You don't spend 4 months slugging it out with someone and then turn around and say "No hard feelings? Come play on my team now." The only place that worked was The Mighty Ducks and former Hawk Adam Banks wound up leaving the championship game on a stretcher.

There's a reason people picked Obama over Hillary. Maybe they didn't trust her foreign policy. Maybe they don't want to go Bush/Clinton/Bush/Clinton. Maybe they're not ready to have a woman president. What ever the reason, more people chose Obama than chose Hillary. You don't want to take whatever negative baggage your recently defeated opponent has with them and toss it onto your own bandwagon. Especially when you're going to be facing a white guy that's a) a moderate conservative, b) a war hero and c) had 3 months to sit back and get his campaign in gear.

Like I said, Obama's not dumb. He may get played off a little as "Golly Gee, it sure is nice to be here" and "Wow, if we all hold hands things will be good" but that's not who he is. It can't be who he is. The man, as the saying goes, made his bones in Chicago. You don't "golly-gosh-gee" your way to any sort of success in Chicago, not unless you're being fronted by the mob. And you certainly don't get elected to anything higher than Sergeant At Arms of the Local Elks Chapter.

Obama can most likely carry New York without Hillary as his running mate, and that's about all the good she'll bring him. He's over with women, he's over with the working class, he's already over with everyone that Hillary could help him get over with. He'll snag either someone that can bring him a Big state like California, or he'll snag someone that can bring a couple of red states into his camp. A good call might be Bill Richardson of New Mexico. I don't know how his politics mesh with Obama's, but if he could bring him the Southwest electorals and the Latino votes, I don't think Obama would care too much.

Sorry Hillary, there's always a cabinet position. Or a guest host gig on SNL, Tina Fey seems to really like you.