KILLER KOWS II: THE NEXT WAVE

I tried to warn you last week that something was foul in Denmark, but instead of Denmark it was India and "something was foul" meant "cows are eating chickens". Most of you didn't seemed too concerned. After all, it's India. There are a billion people in that country. There's no way the cows could eat them all, and even if they did, these cows do not possess the technology to cross the Pacific and attack America. Currently.

Well ha-ha-ha, the horrifying joke is on you. Now our hallowed shores have been invaded by flesh eating frogs. That's right, frogs. Maybe you remember the last time frogs just started popping up in places they shouldn't have. Maybe that's because it was one of the plagues Moses dropped on Pharaoh F Ramses. And those frogs didn't even Eat Meat. Meat, I might remind you, being one of the two main ingredients of humans.

"No one knows for sure when this frog species got into the pond or who put them there, but now city officials fear the killer frogs will spread throughout the Bay Area."

Cows with tiger spirits in them. Blood thirsty frogs appearing out of nowhere. Whirlwinds in thorn trees*. I blame Danilynne Smith for all of this. None of this started happening until she entered the world.

Matt, are you serious? Blaming a BABY for all of this? Tell you what, I am nothing if not fairhanded so I propose a test. We put her in a bag and throw her into the Ocean. If she floats, she's a witch and we burn her at the stake. If she drowns... well that one's on me. Sorry. At least I won't get any angry calls from her father, whomever he is. My money's still on Gary.

*probably