Star Worz

MOSES, MOSES, MOSES

2009-04-10T10:30:00.002-05:00

This is a recording of a Lenten monologue I wrote for Bethlehem Lutheran Church in Minneapolis, Minnesota. The title of the piece was "Moses: God's Promise In Love". The young man performing is Dominic Running and I think he does a fantastic job.

Moses: God's Promise in Love from Bethlehem Lutheran on Vimeo.

A NEW BIT

2009-04-03T08:16:00.003-05:00

Peter King is a sports columnist who writes for Sports Illustrated and SI.com. King's column on the internet includes a section called "Ten Things I Think I Think." Please, I encourage you, read that title again. Ten Things I THINK I THIIIIIINK. So Peter King, who is paid to give his opinion, can't be bothered to list ten things he thinks. Not even that he knows, just that he THINKS. No, instead he'll list ten things he THINKS he THINKS. And they're not even all about sports, the very thing he is paid to write about!

That... that's some great logic right there. Cause you can't ever be wrong. "Peter, #3 on your list is that Dogs have laser eyes. That's ridiculous." "Oh no, it's okay. I just think that I MIGHT think that." "Well in that case, here's another $100,000."

Now, there are a lot of people that thinks Peter King is not a good news writer. But I figure, hey, I can rip this gimmick off and use it for my own personal gain.

So I now proudly present on a semi-regular basis "5 Things My Gut Tells Me I Should Probably Believe"

5 Things My Gut Tells Me I Should Probably Believe
1. The only time I wear sweatshirts is when it's too cold to sweat. Quick, someone think of a new name for them!
2. I don't think we've seen the last of this Sham-wow guy.
3. Finally, I get what the hype was all about for ER. Consider my DVR already set for next season.
4. All hockey players must be really good on roller skates.
5. Now that Bruce Willis is married again, does that mean no Die Hard 5?

THAT'S SOME GOOD ADVERTISING, LOU

2009-04-01T08:11:00.003-05:00

On Monday I saw this commercial

On Tuesday I went and ate this burger.

It tasted like this.

But it didn't matter, because Hardee's already had my $7.50 with tax.

Who are the ad geniuses who came up with this ad?

Whoever they are, they deserve raises.

FOX Said These Guys Were Hacks

2009-02-10T14:38:00.004-06:00

Yesterday I was watching "I'm On A Boat", the latest SNL Digital Short by The Lonely Island boys. If you enjoyed "Dick In A Box", "Lazy Sunday", "Jizzed In My Pants" etc, you'll enjoy this one. If you didn't enjoy those, you'll still enjoy this one, because this one has T-Pain.

After watching the video a dozen or so times, I wondered "Hmmm... when will Andy Sandberg have a musical comedy album like Jimmy Fallon or Adam Sandler?" Then I thought "That's stupid, Andy works in a visual medium. Plus, he's part of a trio, he'd never put out an album."

Today, I was handed this:

I swear to you this is an actual album, I am holding it in my hand while I type. Which has cut my typing speed by half. It is NINETEEN tracks plus a DVD with NINE videos. BOLD LETTERS!

And just think, these are guys that were once beat-up by Keifer Sutherland.

HE'S MORE A BASEBALL KINDA GUY

2009-01-19T15:11:00.004-06:00

Joe Buck during the Eagles final drive on Sunday against the Cardinals, said with great dramatic emphasis: "Has there ever been a drive that earned someone a spot in the Hall of Fame?"

Me at home: "Yeah, 'The Drive'."

Joe Buck has no idea who I am

DO NOT ROCK THE VOTE

2009-01-13T16:39:00.002-06:00

This is belated, but I just found this particular video today.

These guys are The Bloomington Bros. You can find their stuff on YouTube, or on College Humor. They are from Minnesota and they are hilarious.

The election may already be over, but this is funny every day.

THREE DAYS WELL SPENT

2009-01-09T14:07:00.003-06:00

Baskin-Robbins makes an Oreo Shake. A large Oreo Shake, according to their own site, contains 90% of your daily calcium and 80% of your daily iron needs.

Oh, and it also 2600 calories, 1220 of them from fat.

What do you expect from a "food" that's described as "A chocolate lover’s dream-come-true! It starts with an irresistible blend of Chocolate Oreo ice cream and decadent hot fudge, topped with whipped cream, chocolate drizzle and crushed Oreo Cookie pieces."

For those of you who don't like to do math, that's just over two days of your recommended intake of fat and almost three days worth of saturated fat.

I bet it taste like magic. Seriously, anything that bad for you has to taste like four kinds of fantastic.

Forget the host wafer. This:

is what Jesus tastes like.

SORRY KYRA

2009-01-08T15:50:00.002-06:00

The Brewers just closed a deal today for closer Trevor Hoffman. He's the all-time saves leader, and they're only paying him $6 million with another $1.5 in incentives. One of the incentives is probably "Don't Suck", which is a good lesson learned by the Crew last year with Eric Gagne. Gagne, who at one point pulled himself from the closers position, was paid $10 million for 46.3 innings pitched and 10 saves. In retrospect, the Brewers would have been better off just setting the $10 million on fire, if they could have found enough lighter fluid.

So I'm excited about Hoffman. Even if he turns out to be another in a looooong line of diminishing return closers for the Brewers at least we're getting him a relatively low cost.

Oh, and the guy enters to "Hell's Bells". Hells Yeah.

He's also got this commercial going for him. Which is nice.

QUESTION

2009-01-06T11:08:00.002-06:00

Here is the trailer for "The Unborn" which comes out soon. Note, it's suitably creepy, so if you don't like horror movies, maybe skip it.

Anyway, my question is this: If the girl had a twin brother who was never born and now wants to come into the world, shouldn't he a) be a baby [which would be both super cool and super sweet] or b) ALSO be a teenager? They were supposed to be twins after all.

Instead we get an 8 year old dressed like an extra in Newsies. Not that he doesn't look creepy, but c'mon, creepier than a ghost baby? I don't think so.

NATURE

2008-11-12T13:25:00.002-06:00

It's raining here today.

Now, I know that a duck's feathers have some sort of oil or whatever in them that causes water to bead and slide off of them, hence the phrase "like water off a duck's back", but c'mon, if a duck had to sit in the rain all day he's going to be pretty pissed off right? Ducks just sitting around thinking "this sucks, when is this rain going to stop? I wish we had kept our cable payments up so we could watch the Weather Channel and know for sure. Or at least could find a good newspaper that was translated into ducks. But noooooo, she wanted to raise our kids out in the country."

Look at this poor schmoe.
"If I had thumbs I'd have built a house to be inside right now"

In the same vein, polar bears have to be pretty psyched any day it's above 20 degrees, don't you think?

26 YEARS!

2008-10-01T08:10:00.002-05:00

Well Worth The Wait.

Let's Go Crew!

I THOUGHT MAGIC WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY, LIKE A CLOWN. NOT SCARY, LIKE A CLOWN.

2008-09-25T14:55:00.004-05:00

Okay. Explain this to me.

This guy gets FIRED for performing a simple magic trick.

But David Blaine, love child of Harry Potter and Gandalf (and don't pretend like THAT pairing doesn't exist somewhere on the Internet), has his own TV special?

Not that you can say no to the man, anyone that can ASK for a second punch from Kimbo Slice is someone I don't want to mess with.

My brain KNOWS that that is a trick. But my brain also tries to convince me there's a murderer hiding behind my shower curtain when I'm brushing my teeth in the morning. My brain and I kind of have an adversarial relationship.

I will tell you this, and this is a fact. He approaches me on the street, and I'm running for my life. Which is what these two guys should have done.

LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED

2008-09-22T12:56:00.002-05:00

I would just like to apologize in advance to you, the good Star Worz-iors, if I'm ever at a bar, or a party, or some sort of social gathering and Everlast's cover of "Folsom Prison Blues" comes on. I would like to apologize, because I might end up punching you in the face.

For that, I am sorry. But seriously, tell me you can listen to one full minute of this song and not get fuzzy headed with rage.

I mean... they must have had SOME engineer working on that track, so that you could hear the lyrics over the sound of Johnny Cash spinning in his grave.

UMMM... YEAH

2008-08-13T08:22:00.003-05:00

Look, I'm not saying a Communist country who has a history of human rights violations, who is currently censoring the entire Internet for international journalists, and who takes gymnasts from their home at the age of 3 might LIE to gain a competitive advantage. I won't say that.

"You guys wanna watch 'Go Diego, Go'? Uh, I mean, I love the Jonas Brothers! I'm 16!"

But Walter Sobchak, do you think this girl is 16? And if not, how old do you think she is?

"Eight-year-olds dude."

WORZALA'S WORD

2008-08-11T16:45:00.002-05:00

I have invented a new term. Please, take it, and like a metaphorical apple seed, spread it out amongst the land to grow more metaphorical apple trees. So that some day in the future our grandchildren may make metaphorical apple pies out of those metaphorical apples while watching metaphorical baseball and eating metaphorical hot dogs.

The hot dogs represent God in that last sentence.

The term is "toilet legs".

Toilet legs: n "toy/let legs" The condition one has after an exhausting run where the muscles in the thighs continue to be sore, but is noticeable only when one is settling into and rising out of a squat.
"I went running for the first time this summer and did 8 miles in an hour. Then I went to the bathroom. I had such a bad case of toilet legs I had to stay on the pot for two hours. They called the paramedics to get me out."

HAMM FROM THE LAND OF SKY BLUE WATERS

2008-07-29T16:49:00.002-05:00

Olympic gold medalist and Wisconsin boy Paul Hamm has had to drop out of the 2008 Summer Olympics (slogan: WHY did we give them to China again? The country can't make a Happy Meal toy without it killing someone) due to injuries to his wrist.

I've got to ask the question on everyone's minds. Or at least on the minds of everyone I talk to. What kind of jerk is Morgan Hamm? Oh, I should have mentioned I spend most of my day talking to myself. That should have come earlier in the paragraph according to my lawyer.

Morgan Hamm is a jerk. What kind of jerk? A huge one. Paul and Morgan are identical twins, okay? So even though Paul Hamm's wrist isn't healthy enough to allow him to compete in the Olympic games is no reason that "Paul Hamm" has to drop out of the Olympics. C'mon Morgan! We're US Americans and we're trying to show up the rest of the world! The first All-Around male Gymnastics champion EVER from the U.S. shouldn't have to miss competing in the Olympics just because he Can't Compete in the Olympics. The second Morgan heard that Paul wasn't going was thinking of dropping out he should have stepped up and done the patriotic thing, lied and taken his brother's place.

And if Paul wasn't willing to go along with it? Well that's why God gave us ether and rags.

Can YOU tell the difference? Heck no!

Now, the only reason I can think of for Morgan Hamm not only betraying his own brother but also betraying his own country, is because he's afraid he won't be able to win. Morgan, Morgan, Morgan. It's so simple. Paul has a well documented wrist injury, if "Paul" came up short all you'd have to do is blame it on "your" wrist. Miss the landing on the rings? Grab your wrist. Tuck out of the parallel bars too late? Grab your wrist. Start grabbing your wrist at the opening ceremonies to establish a storyline and you'll be on Wheaties boxes by September! Well, you won't. Paul will. But seriously, show that stuff to a girl and she's going to be All Over You.

Who can say no to this face?

I sure can't.

FORCE FED UP

2008-07-24T12:54:00.003-05:00

I've been seeing trailers for Star Wars: Cashing In, errrrr, Clone Wars, for a while now. If you haven't seen it, here's the trailer.

This movie is going to suck.

Why? Because I already know everything that's going to happen. And everything that's not going to happen. How do I know? Because I saw the movie that comes after this one, THREE YEARS AGO.

Oh no, a scary bald woman is coming at Obi-Wan, he could be in trouble!
No, he's not.
But what if I told you she had TWO lightsabers?
No, nothing's going to happen to him. Because he's in EPISODE FOUR. And she's NOT. So I'm willing to guess what her fate is.

Uh-oh, Count Dooku is fighting Anakin in the desert, he's doomed!
No, he's not.
But Dooku just told him "You've failed, Jedi"!
So? Dooku gets an Epic Fail at life in Episode Three when Anakin plays "Beauty School Dropout" with a pair of lightsabers and Dooku's head.

Well, I mean, the robots are winning! Oh nos! The droid army is unstoppable!
Yeah, I remember the South winning a couple of battles as well, last I checked, I wasn't sweating Gettysburg.

The only person who's fate hangs anywhere close to "in the balance" is the red-faced Jedi Ahsoka (I had to look up the spelling) and that's only because I can't remember if she's killed during the great Jedi purge in Episode III or not. And no, I'm not going back to watch Episode III a second time.

You know what George? You know what would have made this movie really good? Perhaps even exciting? If you had MADE IT WHEN IT MATTERED. Instead of shoe-horning more story into an already completed novel, maybe you could have made THIS Episode II, made Episode II into Episode I and wiped Pod Racing off the face of the plane. Maybe that would have been an idea someone could have thrown out at the meetings.

Oh, and p.s. you couldn't have gotten Frank Oz to do the voice of Yoda? He's only been doing it for, you know, EVER.

ALOHA GARBAGE

2008-07-15T08:27:00.002-05:00

Oahu, Hawaii, is having a little garbage problem. Apparently their landfills are overflowing due to the fact that they produce 10 pounds of garbage per person PER DAY. Now they want to load their excess garbage onto ocean liners and ship it to the West Coast to be disposed of.

That strikes me as a lot of work.

If only there was somewhere else they could put the garbage.

If only there was place that they could put their garbage where they wouldn't have to worry about it any more.

If only there were an easy way to dispose of that much garbage. Some sort of giant, I don't know, super hot thing.

Oh well, I'm sure they would have thought of it if there were. Boats it is!

YIKES

2008-07-08T16:54:00.003-05:00

June 23rd?

Man.

...an
...an
...an.

Kind of echo-y in here.

Anyway, I have a friend who used to also be my roommate. He has a video series that he does over on the gaming website ScrewAttack.com called "Nametags".

Yes, I know THAT Jared.

Jared went to a conference for this website recently. He didn't tell any of us much in the way of details, and after watching this video, I think I understand why.

Enjoy. (and remember, the camera adds 10 pounds [and there's about 4 cameras on Jared during this filming])

AWESOME-O

2008-06-23T13:26:00.003-05:00

I've been meaning to post this for about a week or so, ever since I stumbled upon it at KSK.

There is good crazy, like "Hey, let's dress up cowboys and run around the park lassoing each other."

There is bad crazy, like "I love you so much sometimes I just want to stab out your soul and keep it in my pocket."

And then there is CRAZY crazy, like "The moon is a actually the last living dinosaur in disguise and only he knows the word the humans forgot that allowed them to fly in the days of magic."

And then, beyond even that is Italian Spiderman.

This is part 4. Don't worry, everything is so looped out of it's mind on Awesome Pills that it wouldn't make sense even if you DID watch the first 3 parts.

Come for the random violence, stay for the rampant misogyny, come back for the carefree murder in the name of science and stick around for the menace of CAPTAIN MAXIMUM.

TERROR ALERT LEVEL: WTF

2008-06-20T08:07:00.002-05:00

I got a spam e-mail this week telling me that Bin Laden had been captured finally. I was stoked. Even more stoked when I found out not only had he been captured but that I could "increase my girth and duration by countlessness" for only two payments of $12.95.

Then I read on Yahoo today that another terrorist is getting the namby-pamby treatment from all the Schmibrals in Washington. Apparently they want him taken off the list because it's going to be his biiiiiiirthday. Ooooooh, his birthday. Well, we'll just pretend everything's cool then, I guess. Yeah, no harm no foul, cause you're turning 90.

Where does Nelson Mandela get off? Seriously.

I mean, uh, hello Washington, the man DID fight against white oppression in South Africa. If the guy didn't want to be oppressed maybe he should have come up with some more peaceful solutions, like being white, for example. That would have solved everything.

Just because "Mandela was jailed for 27 years for his struggle against apartheid, and has become a worldwide symbol of freedom." and "He was hailed for overseeing the peaceful transition from white to black rule as South Africa's first post-apartheid era president." according to Reuters is no reason to start getting soft on Terror.

Next thing you know they'll be backsliding on Robert E. Lee and Bono.

IN HAWAII THIS WOULD BE AN AWARD WINNING POST

2008-06-12T13:10:00.003-05:00

I've been sitting on spam e-mail titles for over a month now. I was hoping to do... I don't know, something with them, but I never could figure out what. As some of you more dedicated Star Worz-iors know, I used to do a "Friday Sp-oetry" section, but that was eventually cut due to lack of interest by both you, the Star Worz-iors, and myself. You can only try and spin "Larger Love Unit" into something poetic so many weeks in a row. I blame it on the boring spam I was getting. Peter tried to help, sending me some Japanese spam, but the file must of corrupted because I couldn't read it and the words were all mumbo-jumbo. Half of it was widgets instead of letters.

So here are some of the golden grahams that I've gotten lately.

-Goodiest Offer
(Wait, is that better than Best? What about Bestest?)

-Power drill your way to her
(Two movies come to mind. Porky's and Tetsuo, The Iron Man. Trust me, DON'T see Tetsuo. At least not after eating.)

-You should be made of honor
(Uhhh, I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure I'm better off being made of bone and muscle.)

-Be the pleasure machine of legend
(Now THAT is a spam title I can get behind! I envision a bronze statue years in the future with "Here Lies The Pleasure Machine" inscribed on a plaque below it. And then Charlton Heston rides up on it and freaks the heck out.)

-geysered sneezewort
(Anyone know that this means? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?)

-She will sure like how those pilules enhanced you.
(Those "pilules"? Well heck, nothing shady sounding about that. Sign me up!)

-Rod of pleasure in your pants
(Is that a rod of pleasure in your pants, or are you just happy to see me? Rod of pleasure sounds like something Starman would carry.)

-It's driller time!
(Oh man, is it drill o'clock all ready? I think I'll have a Driller Genuine Draft.)

-Your pants' key from her bedroom.
(So, if I understand you correctly, my pants have a key. And that key is located in her bedroom. And you will give me this key if I open this e-mail? Question, couldn't I just switch to button fly?)

-Feel proud if being a MAN!
(If being a woman, feel shame. So much shame.)

-Set your wife on fire
(Worst Marital Advice. Ever.)

NOT GONNA HAPPEN

2008-06-04T09:19:00.002-05:00

Just real quick.

Obama is not going to pick Hillary for his VP. Why? Cause he's not dumb. You don't spend 4 months slugging it out with someone and then turn around and say "No hard feelings? Come play on my team now." The only place that worked was The Mighty Ducks and former Hawk Adam Banks wound up leaving the championship game on a stretcher.

There's a reason people picked Obama over Hillary. Maybe they didn't trust her foreign policy. Maybe they don't want to go Bush/Clinton/Bush/Clinton. Maybe they're not ready to have a woman president. What ever the reason, more people chose Obama than chose Hillary. You don't want to take whatever negative baggage your recently defeated opponent has with them and toss it onto your own bandwagon. Especially when you're going to be facing a white guy that's a) a moderate conservative, b) a war hero and c) had 3 months to sit back and get his campaign in gear.

Like I said, Obama's not dumb. He may get played off a little as "Golly Gee, it sure is nice to be here" and "Wow, if we all hold hands things will be good" but that's not who he is. It can't be who he is. The man, as the saying goes, made his bones in Chicago. You don't "golly-gosh-gee" your way to any sort of success in Chicago, not unless you're being fronted by the mob. And you certainly don't get elected to anything higher than Sergeant At Arms of the Local Elks Chapter.

Obama can most likely carry New York without Hillary as his running mate, and that's about all the good she'll bring him. He's over with women, he's over with the working class, he's already over with everyone that Hillary could help him get over with. He'll snag either someone that can bring him a Big state like California, or he'll snag someone that can bring a couple of red states into his camp. A good call might be Bill Richardson of New Mexico. I don't know how his politics mesh with Obama's, but if he could bring him the Southwest electorals and the Latino votes, I don't think Obama would care too much.

Sorry Hillary, there's always a cabinet position. Or a guest host gig on SNL, Tina Fey seems to really like you.

TRYING TO PAY WITH CASH

2008-05-20T12:39:00.003-05:00

[phone rings]
Mayor: Hello, this is the mayor of Hawesville.
FEMA: Hello Mayor, this is FEMA. Just calling to let you know you need to have your flood wall inspected and certified.
Mayor: Oh, thank goodness you called to remind me. Thank you FEMA for being so on top of things.
FEMA: You have ONE YEAR.
Mayor: What an odd thing to say. When's the soonest an inspector can come out? We have the money available right now.
FEMA: Ha-ha. That's cute. You can't just PAY for the inspection. What sense does that make?
Mayor: I guess you're right. It sure is nice of a federal government program to inspect flood walls for free to better ensure the health and safety of it's citi-
FEMA: Woah, woah, woah. Hold up. Did you just call me a Commie?
Mayor: No?
FEMA: Because it sounds like you just called me a Commie. Free? No, nothing's free. You just can't pay for it yourself. It has to come from the Army Corp of Engineers.
Mayor: Oh, okay, I guess that makes sense. Let's just hope they're better at cutting checks than building levies, right? Right?
FEMA: *sigh* Whatever. I've got horse racing to watch.
[phone call ends]

[new phone call]
ACoE: Army Corp of Engineers, "it was like that when we got there", how can I help you?
Mayor: I have to set up an appointment with FEMA inspectors to inspect our flood walls.
ACoE: Good call. Otherwise your flood insurance premiums are going to go through the roof. Mayor: Right. So, I just need to know when we can get a check cut to have the inspectors come by.
ACoE: Gotcha.
Mayor: ...
ACoE: ....
Mayor: .... So, end of the week, then?
ACoE: Funny thing about that. We don't have any money for you right now.
Mayor: I'm sorry, what?
ACoE: We don't have the money available to have your walls inspected.
Mayor: Oh. Well, we have enough money as a city. Can we just send the money to you and then you can give it back to us as a federal grant?
ACoE: No, that's not going to work.
Mayor: Well, what are we supposed to do?
ACoE: pffffffff.... don't know. Pound sand, I guess?
[phone disconnects]

[new phone call]
FEMA: FEMA, "doing the best we can once we get around to doing it", how can I help you?
Mayor: It's the Mayor again.
FEMA: You better get those walls inspected, the clock's ticking. Just think of the plummeting property values. No one wants to live in a flood plane.
Mayor: Yes, about that. The Army Corps of Engineers doesn't have the money for a federal grant right now.
FEMA: Ooooh, sucks to be you guys, huh?
Mayor: Yes, but we DO have the money to pay for the inspection. I have it sitting in bags right next to me. We could pay you cash.
FEMA: Look, I wouldn't expect a mayor to understand how government works, but that's just not going to fly.
Mayor: But we need to have our flood walls inspected.
FEMA: Darn right you do. Those things could probably go at any moment.
Mayor: And we need to pay for it.
FEMA: Why do people keep saying that like it's a surprise?
Mayor: But the Army Corps doesn't have the money.
FEMA: Doesn't sound like it.
Mayor: But we DO have the money.
FEMA: Now you're losing me.
Mayor: So why can't we just pay for the inspection ourselves?
FEMA: Because that's not the way we do things.
Mayor: Well, what if the Amry Corps doesn't get the money together for us in the next year and we can't pay for the inspection, what happens then?
FEMA: Well, I'll be frank with you, it's going to suck and it's going to suck hard. I mean, you're going to get absolutely boned.

[One Year Later]
Newscaster: Our top story tonight, Hawesville, after days of heavy, heavy rain, has been submerged under fifteen feet of water after their flood walls gave way. With me are representatives from both FEMA and the Army Corps of Engineers.
FEMA: Darn shame what happened here.
ACoE: Darn, darn shame. When are people going to realize they need to have these things inspected?
FEMA: Selfish, is really what it is.
ACoE: That was the exact word I was looking for. You wanna grab a burger?

PUMP- PUMP IT UP!

2008-05-16T14:00:00.002-05:00

I'll be on the ComedyCity stage this weekend for parts of the 28 Hour Comedy Marathon. We're raising money to benefit two local cancer charities, the Angel Fund and Families of Children With Cancer, Inc. The improv magic starts at 7:30 on Friday and other than the break between the Friday 7:30 and the Friday 9:30 show, people will be on stage performing from 7:30 p.m. Friday until about 11:00 p.m. on Saturday.

That's a lot of improv.

I mean A LOT of improv.

The hardest hours, in my opinion, are from about 3 a.m. until 8 a.m. Yes, we'll be performing at that time. It's 28 hours. You're tired. The audience (those that are still awake) are tired. You've played most of your games at least once all ready. You're starting to get a little loopy. Your face is starting to get that "I've been up too long" greasy film on it. And you know the next set of replacements aren't coming for another two hours. They might even be late because they're sleeping in. Oh sleep. You remember what that felt like once, lifetimes ago.

So you gotta stay pumped during that time frame. Pumped, like Bonnie Richardson gets pumped.

What's that? You don't know who Bonnie Richardson is? She's not really any body. You know, just this girl. She goes to Rochelle High School in Texas. Whatever. She runs some track and field. No biggie. Oh, wait, you probably didn't hear about it, she, well, you know when they have those big state track meets? And a team wins all these events and they become the state team champion? Okay, it's like that, except she did it all by herself.

Bonnie Richardson, the only athlete FROM Rochelle to qualify for the state competition, accumulated 42 team points at the Texas 1A state track meet, to edge out the next closest team of athletes and win the Texas 1A State Meet Team Title. According to University Interscholastic League officials it is the first time they can remember a single athlete winning a girls' team title.

Can you imagine that as a conversation starter?
"Hey, thanks for coming over."
"Thanks for inviting me."
"I'll just hang your coat over here... oh clumsy me."
"Here, let me get that. Oh cool, you ran track and field?"
"Is THAT what that's for? I forget some times. Yeah, it's for winning first place in the State Track Meet back in high school."
"That's cool. So-"
"By myself."
"-are we going to ... watch a movie."

So get pumped Star Worz-iors! And when I need to get pumped, this song always does it for me:

... I wish I was kidding.

SURVIVOR: FANS VS FAVORITES FINALE

2008-05-11T21:13:00.003-05:00

(Hot. Fresh. Spoilers.)

Team Fo'Shizzle
Amanda
Cirie
Natalie
Parvati

Done and Done! What a ride this season has been. Blindsides, injuries, more blindsides, more injuries, the dumbest move ever, and the Smoke Monster for good measure.

We're down to the final four women, and today being Mother's Day I was at dinner for the first 20 minutes of the show. We tune in time to see the first-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
I'm sure the first 20 were just laughing about Erik and a re-cap of what's happened. Right now the four femme fatales are racing to assemble a ladder with specially crafted rungs. A rung will only properly fit in it's proper slot. First one to the top of their ladder is the winner. Amanda and Parvati are pretty close to each other with Natalie nipping at their heels, but slowly and surely Amanda starts pulling ahead. Natalie looks to have a window of opportunity when Amanda gets to the last run and the piece won't fit, but she quickly finds her wrong piece and scrambles back to the top. Your winner is Amanda and Natalie knows she's on the way out.

Natalie tries to do some talking, but there's no reason not to stick to the original alliance at this point and we'll see that once we go to-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Amanda and Cirie get in a tiff, because Cirie points out that she's always been the "and" of all the alliances. James, Ozzie, Parvarti, Amanda AND Cirie. Parvati, Amanda, Alexis, Natalie AND Cirie. Amanda, Parvati AND Cirie. Amanda takes offense at this, even though it's true, and they bicker back and forth for a while. Probst also keeps talking about "what would it be like if you were going to a final two?" Wait... what? Have you... have you been reading my blog, Jefftholomew Probstowski?

Natalie gets the boot and the other three girls head home to yell some more. Amanda starts crying, Cirie starts yelling, Parvarti actually agrees with Cirie, and then, like any chick flick, everyone resolves things way faster than you think they would and they all hug. "Rescue Me" by Aretha Franklin plays in the background.

Amanda has started crying. It must be the last episode. You can set your watch by this stuff. It should also be pointed out though, as a mitigating factor, that she came basically right from China to Micronesia. As she points out, in the last 7 months she's spent 2 1/2 months in the jungle. Rupert, when he went straight from Pearl Island to All Stars, actually started to trip out and actually convinced himself he was dreaming the whole thing and had to be talked back to reality by Jenna. So maybe a little crying is acceptable. You know, just so long as she keeps it together from here on out. ...what are the odds of that?

The next morning Cirie, Amanda and Parvati wake up. They release the last chicken, G-l-o-r-i-a. Gloria. Gloria doesn't really want to leave though, so she just makes a nest in the dirt and continues to live with them. *sniff* It's kind of like "How The Red Fern Grows". The interesting thing is, there's no feast. So they go to look to see if there's something by the Tree Mail spot annnnnnnnnd-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Oh, THAT'S RIGHT, it's a Final Two! The three ladies will do the normal/boring "Remember this Person" walk of filling time and then they will have another immunity challenge! Whoever can handle balls the best will be the winner and will get to choose their opponent at Final Council. Not so fast Parvarti, you gotta balance a ball on a beam. Every five minutes a new piece of bar will be added. Parvarti, not a surprise, is the first to drop out. What IS a surprise is that Cirie is really giving Amanda a run for her money. Cirie slips up once, but it's during the grace period and that's as shaky as she is for the first 15 plus minutes. And then suddenly she blinks or gulps or something and the ball falls from her bar and her hopes crash down with it. Amanda, much like in China, wins the last two challenges.

But now comes the question. Who does she take with her to the Final Council? If she takes Cirie, Cirie could talk her way into victory. If she takes Parvarti, Parvarti has played a devious game that might be respected by the jury. What can Amanda do? Besides cry, I mean. Cause she does that. A bunch. It continues on to-

IMMUNITY COUNCIL!
Where we see more crying. So much crying the jury is rolling their eyes. Poor Amanda, she always plays a fine game up until the very end and then she starts crying at the last couple of councils and no one wants to give a crier a million dollars. After much crying, she finally gives Cirie the heave-ho and picks Parvarti as her final dance partner.

The next day is basically soaking up sun, finally having that feast and waiting for Final Council. Amanda feels confident, Parvarti feels confident, but only one of them is going to be the Lone Survivor.

FINAL COUNCIL!
Everyone is trotted out. Cirie looks kind of angry, uh-oh. As does Natalie, actually. C'mon ladies, can't we go back to hugging?

Amanda goes first, and basically thanks all of the also-rans for all of "the help". Parvarti gives the speech Amanda should have, telling everyone that she played a devious game, she picked some strong players off and she'll give truthful answers tonight.

First up is Eliza. She just yells at the both of them for a while. She calls Parvati a mean person, and then calls Amanda a stupid, poop faced whore. Well, not exactly, but she wasn't happy with either of them. Erik is most upset that sweet Amanda chewed him out. Amanda explains that he had it coming, but he doesn't seem too convinced. Alexis comes up next, she looks fabulous. She wants to know why each girl considers herself a role model for other girls. Parvarti again seems to give the better answer. Natalie comes up next. She, if I'm NOT mistaken, basically asks Parvarti if she'll have sex with her. Seriously. She asks her how her flirting translates into the bed room.

After that bizarre encounter, Jason asks Amanda if she would have betrayed Ozzie. She says no. He asks Parvarti something... maybe about being devious, I can't remember. Parvarti ends a lot of her answers with "is that good enough? Is... that what you wanted?" James says that Amanda has it in the bag but he wants Parvarti to re-do the conversation they had after Ozzie had been voted out. She fails on the first try ("Yo, you got played. What? Uh. Na-na.") and mostly fails on the second try. Cirie comes out next and asks Amanda why Parvarti should be sitting next to her instead of Cirie. Amanda accidentally makes it sound like Parvarti deserved it more, which doesn't make Cirie happy. Cirie then asks Parvarti why Cirie should be there, and while Parvarti doesn't technically answer her question, she gives the answer that Amanda should have given, "I couldn't have beat you." Which is the truth.

Last is Ozzie. First he drags Parvarti over the coals for casting away their friendship for a shot at a million dollars. He doesn't even give her a chance to explain, he's so angry at her. He then shifts gears 180 degrees and confesses his love for Amanda. He tells her she's great and special and schmoopie and the smile on her face is really great and genuine.

But now it's time to vote. Ozzie votes for Amanda (natch), Erik votes for Amanda (kinda natch), Alexis votes for Parvarti (with a heart) and Natalie votes for Parvarti (also with a heart). Maybe we WILL see more hugging at the reunion special.

Probst then takes the bucket, tells everyone he'll see them soon and walks off. While I'm glad to see the return of a final two, I would like to see more jetski/helicopter/bungee jumping from Probst as he gets to David Letterman's theatre. Instead he just walks in the door. *yawn*

Oh, it should also be mentioned that Parvarti gets a little round in the face. It's not a bad thing, it's just something I noticed.

Vote time!
Parvarti
Amanda
Parvarti
Amanda
Parvarti
Amanda
Parvarti
Could we actually see a tie???
PARVARTI!!

Parvarti Shallow is your Survivor Micronesia winner!

Never would have seen it coming.
Couple of quick lessons from this season:
1) If you find the Hidden Immunity Idol, play it.
2) You are only really safe if you are ineligible to be voted out.
3) You can't always be dominate, so it helps to be lucky. If you can't be lucky, find a woman to do your talking for you.
4) Don't cry. If you have to cry, don't do it at a tribal council.
5) If you have to screw someone over, own it. It is rare that "the best liked" person will be winner, it is more often that "the grudgingly respected" will win. Hatch, Jenna, Ahhhhmbahhhh, Tom, Todd and now Parvarti are all great examples of that.
6) If you get on the show know how to start a fire, or swim, or build an even halfway decent shelter. Take James' example. "I don't even like eating off of paper plates. But I went and got a book on Wilderness Survival before I came here. ...20 minutes in Barnes and Noble and I'm Crocodile Dundee."

Thanks for reading this season's recaps. For those of you who don't enjoy them, don't worry, we're (more or less) Survivor free until the Fall.

SURVIVOR

2008-05-11T11:33:00.005-05:00

(Wow. Just. Wow.)

Previously on... SURVIVOR

Team Fo'Shizzle
Amanda
Cirie
Erik
Natalie
Parvati

After the surprising turn around of last Tribal Council, things couldn't get more thrown out of whack, could they? Ho-ho-hold on, loyal Star Worz-iors, and you'll see. Back at camp, Amanda is feeling pretty good. She dodged elimination by finding the Immunity Idol, she got rid of Alexis, who she never seemed to like since Ozzie took a shine to her, and she's got Cirie back on her side. So that means things look grim for Erik and Natalie, who are on the outside of the Favorites' alliance looking in.

So Natalie hatches a plan. If (when) Erik wins the reward challenge, he should send her to Exile to find the Immunity Idol. That they've hidden the Immunity Idol yet again confuses me a little. I remember them throwing it out once it was used in other seasons, but with the way people have been "not using" it, maybe the producers figured "what the heck."

But, uh-oh, coming in with a big old wrench to that plan is Amanda who starts sweet talking Erik to take HER on the reward if (when) he wins and send Parvarti to Exile. Why? Cause she'll just lay around and not look for the idol, while if Natalie goes then she may end up screwing Erik over. I guess we'll see how things shape up at-

REWARD CHALLENGE
Oooh, a trivia challenge! Finally a balanced playing ground. After all, Erik was only 13 when Survivor first started. ... wait, wasn't Todd from last season only 12 when Survivor first aired? Uh-oh.

My favorite moment of the challenge was Parvati, stinking up the answers, leaning over to Cirie and frustratingly whispering "Beat Him" and Cirie replying "I'm trying." Here's an idea I'm just going to throw out there, how about you beat him, Parvarti? Instead of being pissed cause you're dumb.

In the end Erik wins yet again and in a move that sure surprises Natalie, he decides to send Parvari to Exile and takes Amanda on the spa treatment reward.

Back at camp, Cirie manages to keep twisting the knife in Natalie about how Erik has betrayed her with this move. As Cirie says "the only good thing to come out of not going on the reward was to be able to see Natalie bummed out." Then in insult to injury Erik and Amanda literally fly past them on their way to the spa. And Erik WAVES at them!! Boy, he doesn't know anything about the social aspect of the game.

We eventually cut to Exile where Parvarti is feverishly digging to find the Immunity Idol. Nah, I'm just kidding. She's actually TANNING. I wish I was making that up. Talk about confidence in your group.

Amanda and Erik eventually return to camp and Cirie wants to know how awesome it was. "Don't pretend like it wasn't great, I went on that trip in my season and I know it was." Natalie, in a move full of metaphor, begins hacking away at a coconut as soon as Erik appears. She won't even look at him.

But just cause she won't talk to him, doesn't mean she can't hear. Which is something Erik needed to keep in mind while chatting Cirie up back at the beach. Why? Because Natalie is STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HIM. She could have reached out and touched the shelter they were sitting i, that's how close they were to each other. This leads to a conversation between Cirie, Natalie and Amanda about how Erik has told them all different versions of the same story. That's Erik's main problem. He keeps telling people the things he thinks they want to hear to keep them happy (which is fine), but he tells everyone what he thinks they want to hear (which is not fine). If you're going to try and keep someone happy they should either be a) the person you're about to blind side or b) a person you need to keep voting with you. And those are the only people you should be promising things to. You can't promise to take 4 people with you to the final three. Probst will have some sort of objection about that.

So Erik is in hot water with 3/4 of the women, and the only reason Parvarti isn't mad is because she isn't there, so he better hope he wins the-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Oh, who am I kidding? Half of his competition is Cirie and Parvati. He's all but got it in the bag. Three sand pits. Two ropes. Rope off your co-ordinates in the sand and then dig to find a bag of puzzles pieces. Solve the puzzle for your second set of co-ordinates. Find another bag, solve another puzzle for a third set of co-ordinates and your third puzzle bag. Solve that puzzle and you're the winner. Erik and Amanda are pretty close in the beginning and Cirie hangs in there for a while, but then Erik starts to pull away. And pull away. And pull away. Parvati, who's "tanning regiment" might need to be re-thought, barely gets to the second sand pit by the time Erik wins immunity AGAIN. So it looks like Natalie's going home.

But wait! Cirie has a plan. They could get rid of Erik if they could just get him to give up the Immunity necklace. So, Natalie should convince Erik to give her the Immunity Necklace in a sign of good faith. If he does so, Cirie and Natalie will team with Erik to send Amanda (his main threat other than Natalie) home. Of course, once he hands over the necklace they'll all jump on him like his last name was Caesar, but he doesn't need to know that. This plan is stupid. It's the equivalent of being on a crashing airplane, climbing out on the wing, flapping your arms and jumping at the last second. There is no way it can work. As Natalie brilliantly puts it, "I feel stupid just listening to this idea." But you know what? When your plane is going down either way, you may as well try flapping your arms.

So Natalie starts talking to Erik and right away he shoots the idea down. But Natalie keeps working him. And then he goes to talk to Cirie and she tells him that she just can't trust him if he doesn't do this sign of good faith. And if she can't trust him, the Jury probably can't trust him, and how's he going to win if he's got the entire Jury mad at him?

Now, a smart person would probably take their chances. Erik is winning Immunity Challenges easily. If he doesn't go with Natalie, the other girls will probably vote her out, and that's one less threat to him. And then he can win the next Immunity Challenge and all but hand-pick his opponents. There is no reason to look good in front of the jury, when he can look dominate in front of the jury. The Jury respects, grudging respect sometimes but it's still respect, a person who dominates in challenges in the end. You think anyone LIKED Tom from Palau, other than Ian? Heck no! But they respected his dominance over the gravy-training Katie.

But apparently Erik isn't a smart man, because he starts listening. He starts asking that Parvati get the boot instead. Cirie and Natalie instantly agree. Sure! We'll give you FIVE magic beans instead of three for that cow. Why not??

TRIBAL COUNCIL
The ladies all continue to play Erik. Cirie talks about a good impression with the Jury. Amanda talks about rebuilding trust. Erik evens starts talking about rebuilding an image. And then...

There is a list, of dumbest Survivor contestants.
It includes:

and

But now, and perhaps for all time, there is a new Champion

The King Is Dead. Long Live The King.

Erik hands over his immunity necklace, everyone loses it except for Probst (who probably wanted to, his footage all seemed off, maybe it had to be re-recorded), and as no one dared to dream, Erik gets the big ol' boot. Hey look Erik, you now have plenty of time to win over the Jury NOW THAT YOU'RE A PART OF IT.

ELIMINATED
Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)
Yau-man (Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)
Jonathon (Favorites)
Chet (Fans)
Kathy (Fans)
Tracy (Fans)
Ami (Favorites)
Eliza (Favorites)
Ozzie (Favorites)
Jason (Fans)
James (Favorites)
Alexis (Fans)
Erik (Fans)

THIS SUNDAY!
The finale! Amanda vs Cirie vs Parvati vs Natalie! My guess is Amanda will win and she'll chop out Natalie. In fact, unless Natalie wins, she's joining the Jury. Neither of the other three will risk breaking the "Favorites" alliance this late in the game.

Back on April 24th I said:
Prediction Time!
Your final four will be:
Cirie
Jason
Natalie
Parvati.

I was 3/4 right. Your final three are going to be Amanda, Cirie and Parvati. Cirie should win the whole thing, but I think Amanda will get it, picking up Erik, Ozzie, Eliza and James' votes.

See how it shapes out!

BURY ME WITH MY RIBBON

2008-05-09T15:00:00.002-05:00

I love Pabst Blue Ribbon.

I love the taste.

I love the design of the can.

I love that after winning the Worlds Fair in 1893 someone at the brewery decided that they had reached the mountain top and haven't changed the recipe since.

And I love this man, for loving Pabst as much as I do.

That's right, that is a COFFIN made to look like a Pabst Blue Ribbon can. And that, my friends, is FANTASTIC.

Other things to love about that picture:
1) The lady casually smoking next to the Christmas tree
2) The person in what appears to be a medical jacket with the confused look on their face
3) The 10 plus liquor bottles in the background
4) The random mop/broom handle leaning against the filing cabinet.

I don't know about you, loyal Star Worz-iors, but I suddenly feel a little better about my ultimate demise, knowing that such fine container exist for my body.

Plus, it sure beats the heck out of my old plan of having my body stuffed into an actual Pabst Blue Ribbon can.

POOF THERE IT IS!

2008-05-07T16:12:00.002-05:00

Jim, come on in, have a seat. I'm glad you could make it in on such short notice. Well, that is true, I didn't give you much of a choice about the matter, but I thought I'd be polite. I'll cut right to the chase then. Jim, you've worked a long time for us here in Pasco County, but I'm afraid we can't let you substitute in our schools any more.

Why? Well, we've been getting a lot of complaints lately Jim, about your conduct in class. Now certain things, like "touching a student inappropriately" or "sleeping with a minor" we might be able to over look. We all make mistakes, right? Right. I remember once when I was a young teacher... but that was a different time. You can marry outside your race now. Women can vote. They outlawed Prohibition. The world is in a humbly-jumbly mess. They're even publishing books with gay penguins in them now. I tell you, it's not like back in the old days where we kept our homosexuality good and closeted. Literally. The stories I could tell you about the janitors closet at Jackson Junior High would make your toes curl.

Oh, I'm sorry, am I keeping you from a long day of not being employed? I'm sorry Jim, I don't want to cut into your busy schedule of waiting for Family Feud to come on at 5:30. I'll get right to it then. You're fired, for complaints of wizardry. What do you mean, what does that mean? It means you're fired. The act of being a wizard. It's a pretty obvious definition. We haven't been assigning you to any of the language arts classes, have we Jim? Preposterous? No, what's preposterous is how we missed your obvious Dark Magic up until this point. How'd you do it Jim? Charm? Glamour? Cellular manipulation? You know what, I'd rather not know. Don't want to open that book of macabre secrets too wide, never know what you'll find there.

It's nothing to be ashamed of, Jim. The Dark Arts, like homosexuality, is something we've all dabbled in. But, like homosexuality, you can't just go flaunting it in front of the kids like some kind of gay penguin. That's not how things work here in Pasco County. Not since the fire.

Look, I can understand if you're angry, but casting a death spell or karma charm on the entire school board isn't going to get you your job back. Plus, we've recently put a Paladin on retainer, so first person that breaks out in unexplainable hives, he's going to come looking for you. And before you even ask, no, I won't tell you his name OR give you a lock of his hair.

You could try Jim, but I don't know who you're going to appeal your case to. No one from the school board is going to meet with you, since they're afraid you'll steal their soul or have black cats come out of their mouths or some such. Personally, I'm scared stiff sitting this close to you, which is why you'll notice I've yet to make eye contact with you. Can't plant any mind worms if you can't see inside of my brain, can you Jim.

All right, since you're so worked up, I'll tell you what I can do for you. The rest of the school board isn't going to like it, but I'll see if I can pull some strings for you. You come back tomorrow morning, we'll have a big pool of water set up. We'll tie you to a board and then dunk you under the water. If you float to the top, we'll know you're a wizard and you'll be through here. We also reserve the right to stone you on the spot. If you drown however, we'll forget the whole thing and you can start work again on Monday. How's that sound?

Well, I don't know if all that cursing was necessary. Wait... that wasn't actual cursing was it?

SURVIVOR

2008-05-05T14:33:00.003-05:00

(Are they Still Spoilers When They're This Late?)

Previously on... SURVIVOR

Team Fo'Shizzle
Alexis
Amanda
Cirie
Erik
James
Natalie
Parvati

God may look after the idiots of this world, but you gotta give God a fighting chance. Jason, dope that he was, is now gone and the estrogen percentage is growing higher every day. And just when it looks bad for the men, it starts to look worse, as James is called aside to have his finger looked at. He scratched it last episode and it's started to get infected. The medics look him over and tell him they'll send him back to camp, but if the finger isn't improving it'll need to have surgery. James is worried because as a grave digger he needs his hands to work. Now, surely, The Black Crocodile Dundee could just will a new hand into existence, but if he doesn't have to, that'd be for the best.

And then Alexis twists her ankle! Man, you'd think this was the Brewer's pitching staff and not Survivor with the way the injuries are mounting up.

Reward Challenge!
Oooooh, the figure crushing challenge! These are always fun, because someone always finds out the hard way where they sit with the rest of the tribe. Ooooh and it's personal question based. Man, that has potential drama written all over it. Nothing like finding out you're considered "Laziest Survivor" or "Least Deserving To Be Here" to rile someone up. Awwww, and loved ones! I thought for sure Erik's would be Snuffleupagus. But maybe because he's pretend he couldn't get a Visa.

I don't know why Cirie chooses to crush Amanda and let Alexis go. Well, I DO, cause she's more with that alliance now, which I guess makes sense. She's going to have an impossible time beating James. And she'd have a hard time beating Amanda too. Though she could probably beat Parvati, but she can beat Parvati with Natalie or Alexis hanging around in the final three.

Alexis, Cirie, What's-her-face and their assorted loved ones all get to go swim in Jellyfish Lake. Don't worry, they're stinger free Jellyfish. You can tell because it's not called "The Pain! Oh The Pain! I'm Frickin' Dying Here!" Lake. Amanda meanwhile not only gets crushed out of the winner's seat, she gets bounced to Exile Island. Maybe she'll find the As-yet-unused Hidden Immunity Idol. Maybe three people in a row can not use it. That'd be a new record.

Also setting a new record is James having to leave because of injury. That's three Survivors now who have had to leave for non-voting reasons, passing, I believe, All Star's record of 2.

Sniff

Good-bye James

Speaking of depressing, how must Amanda feel, frantically digging for the Immunity Idol on Exile Island? She knows she's in danger, and really, if she'd shown some sort of spine in the last three or four weeks, she'd be sitting in a much better position rather than squatting in the sand. And just when things couldn't get worse? Ohhhhh SNAP! The idol's back at camp! I bet Jamie's already found it!

Hey, here's an idea. If you're hurt, or you're tired, or you're just Chet, don't say you want to be voted out unless you actually DO want to be voted out. And if you bring up the possibility of voting yourself out, don't then get snippy if someone offers to take you up on your idea. *ahem*Alexis*ahem*. That's like the fourth rule of Survivor. No one wants to be the bad guy, cause no one thinks the bad guy can win (even though Richard Hatch did), so no one wants to make the mean cuts. So if you offer yourself up to the sharks, don't be surprised when they start to circle you.

What's-her-face then offers up Amanda's name if Erik should win immunity and they have to turn on each other. Parvati says she can't do it, and that has people looking in Parvati's direction. At the same time, they don't really NEED Parvati's vote to send Amanda home. So it's more a strategic move on Parvati's part ("Amanada, I swear I never wrote your name down" sounds really good to the Jury) than anything else. But hey, that only matters if Erik wins the-

REWARD CHALLENGE!

Uhhhh, I know Probst knows what he's doing. But I don't know how good an idea it is to give these people a gun this late in the game. Sure, they're SUPPOSED to shoot the saki bottles, but you know, the Donner Party was SUPPOSED to make it to the West Coast. Mistakes are made, is all I'm saying. I'm a little surprised that Amanda is a bad shot with the gun. She's from Montana and she killed a shark. I'm less surprised that Cirie and Alexis are not good shots. Has Cirie even come CLOSE to winning a challenge yet? Heck, keep her around to the final four and then cut her out when she fails to win the last immunity challenge.

Natalie is a little scary with how good a shot she is, but surprise, surprise, sur-fricking-prise, Erik wins AGAIN. With One of Ozzie's Sweethearts safe from elimination, it looks bad for his other Sweetheart. Unless she can find the Idol, that is. Because Parvarti's her only vote. Erik, useless as he is when it comes to voting, refuses to help her and Cirie is afraid of a tie. Why? The BLACK ROCK!

Wait, no, that's LOST.

They're afraid of the purple rock. You know, the one that hasn't been used to break ties in about a billion seasons? Even when Probst had to hand the Survivors lighter fluid and blow torches in order to start a tie-breaking fire, they still haven't gone back to the purple rock. So I don't know why Cirie's scared now. But she is, and so Amanda is screwed unless she can find the Idol. Which we don't know if she has because they cut to-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Amanda snipes at Erik for betraying her when she needed him most. No one talks about the biggest betrayal though. Natalie killing the chicken. Just like Tracy wanted to do all along and now that Ozzie's gone, look who's murdering chickens. WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!?!?!!!

Amanda is in bigger trouble than the chicken when the votes are made and Probst asks for the Hidden Immunity Idol. We wait. And wait. And waaaaaaaait and Good-bye Aman-OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS! Amanada has the Idol! Amanda is swinging the Idol on her finger and it's all academic now! Ozzie and Eliza can't believe it! Jason can't believe it! James and his IV can't believe it! "When I told you I didn't have it, I didn't have it then so I didn't lie. Cause now I haaaaave iiiiiit." Awesome.

Doesn't matter! Doesn't matter! Doesn't matter! Doesn't matter! Alexis! Alexis!

BONADUCE BLINDSIDED SLAM!

I'm surprised none of the Survivors broke their jaws when they hit the floor.

ELIMINATED
Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)
Yau-man (Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)
Jonathon (Favorites)
Chet (Fans)
Kathy (Fans)
Tracy (Fans)
Ami (Favorites)
Eliza (Favorites)
Ozzie (Favorites)
Jason (Fans)
James (Favorites)
Alexis (Fans)

NEXT WEEK!
Hush, Hush, keep it down now (Erik) voices carry! (to Natalie, three feet from where you're sitting)

LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN OF AWESOME

2008-04-28T09:36:00.003-05:00

LOST came back to us (again) last Thursday. To sum it up in three words.

Oh.

Hell.

Yes.

YAYS! I'M A SMOKE MONSTER!

SURVIVOR

2008-04-25T20:51:00.002-05:00

(Spooooooooilers, nothing more than Spooooooooilers!)

Last Week on... SURVIVOR

Team Fo'Shizzle
Alexis
Amanda
Cirie
Erik
James
Jason
Natalie
Parvati

Guess what? Chopping out Ozzie has repercussions! Who'dathunk? For example, James and Amanda are both pissed at Parvati for, you know, stabbing their alliance in the throat. Parvati does her best to make nice with James, but James isn't fooled. He hasn't been fooled from the beginning, but he was willing to put up with her pretty face and the opportunity to coast with the power four-some. But now that's all been screwed.

Amanda is just as ticked as James, but because she's a jellyfish in people form, she just kind of smiles and nods and accepts Parvati's apology. She says it's so Parvati won't know she's mad at her, but it would appear it's NOT so Amanda can blindside her, but rather so Parvati will still allow Amanda to hang out.

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Survivor Auction! Sweeeeet! These are always great, because someone winds up blowing most of their money on junk. First winner is Jason, who picks up a hot dog to eat. The first thing is usually pretty good, and then the second one is junk, because then everyone bids out of their mind for trash. Erik bids a crazy amount of money for a mystery item and is then allowed to trade out. He chooses to and it's a good thing, because mystery item two?? Glass Jar Full O' Octopus. Instead he trades up for a big plate of nachos. At least it wasn't betel nut, right Erik?

Natalie is the next sucker, buying herself a nice big covered bowl of bat soup. Natalie blanches and walks away, then James swoops in and eats it for free. Undeterred, Natalie bids on next item and wins a glass bottle with a note in it. The Note allows her to send one person immediately to Exile Island and take all of their money. She immediately sends Jason, who begs not to go, but is sent anyway once Natalie finds out the Immunity Idol has been re-hidden. With Jason's stolen money Natalie swoops in and buys a gigantic chocolate cake. Without hesitation she picks Cirie, Parvati and Alexis to eat it with her. Boy, how close are YOU to the rest of the group Amanda? Erik, who apparently doesn't know what personal boundaries are, then gives Cirie $40 to SUCK the Chocolate off of Cirie's FINGERS. Ewwwww.

Well, Natalie has finally started doing interviews and BOY does she have a lot to say. In fact, she basically dominates the entire episode. Oh, and she does NOT think well of Jason. I picked that up the 8th time she called him "bitch" in a 30 second interview. She's pretty sure he's going to find the Idol, but if he does she can use that to her advantage.

How? Glad you asked. When Jason returns Natalie will convince him that they are friends, and that James is going home that night, as long as he doesn't win the Immunity Challenge. That way, he won't play the idol even if he has it. Then the women will split their votes, so if Jason doesn't play the idol, he's going home. But if he does then James will go home. Provided he doesn't win the-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE
The first four people to break a clay tile and drop their pieces to the ground advance to round two. The first two people to untie their pieces, assemble them into a wheel and use that wheel to lower two boards onto their table advance to the final round. The first person to use those boards to cross a water pit, and then cross another gap on paddles and touch a pole is your winner. Advancing through the first round are Jason, James, Erik and Amanda. So, the four girls most in control of the game all fail to advance to even the second round. Advancing to the third round are Erik and James. The Female Four all hold their breath as James and Erik race across the pit. They need Erik to win so that their plan can work. Because see, they WON'T vote out Erik tonight, because it's his birthday. Get that? They'll lie, break alliances and go through people's clothing to see if they have immunity idols, but heaven forbid they vote you out on your birthday. ...that is the mind of a woman.

Happy Birthday To Erik! James loses one of his boards and that gives Erik enough of a lead that even James' super human leap at the end can't close the distance. The women go back to camp ecstatic that their plan is succeeding.

Now, here's what I don't really understand. Amanda knows about this plan. She knows the full details. James isn't dumb, he knows he's the fall guy if Jason plays the idol. Why the two of them don't go to Jason and try to swing Erik and go after Pavarti is beyond me.

Instead they just sit and wait. And Natalie goes to Jason and listens to him brag about how awesome he is for finding the Idol and how much he appreciates the alliance they must have since she sent him to go find it. And she just smiles and smiles and smiles. She then tells the camera that she finds it a little troubling that she can be this manipulative and backstabbing and do it all with a smile on her face. And then she smiles. A little creepy. That and the 80th spider b-roll footage they trot out.

TRIBAL COUNCIL
Wow, Ozzie is not happy to be on the jury. Hello Pixelated Middle Finger! Probst questions Jason on whether or not he's making more friends. Jon Bon Dopey smiles and says "oh yeah, everything's awesome now." Cirie's eyes almost roll out of her head. Natalie then smiles and agrees that anyone (just not Jason) can change their place in the game (just not Jason) and win people over (just not Jason). James, knowing that he's in trouble, comments on how "the social butterflies" have done their work and now have all the power. And then he Sells Parvati Down The River by naming her as the brains behind Ozzie's ousting. Cue reaction shot of Ozzie cursing.

With everyone sufficiently in a tizz, Probst calls for the vote. Jason is given the opportunity to use his immunity idol. This is his chance to save himself. He could possibly go on a winning streak after this, since none of the women are a threat to him, and keep himself safe up until the final four. But remember, Jason Is Stupid. So he doesn't play the idol.

Jason. James. James. Parvati (James' vote). James. Jason. Jason. Annnnd JASON!

OHHHHHHHHHHH WE'RE HALF WAY THERRRRRRRRRRRRE! OOHHHHHHHHHHHHH-OHHHHHHHHH!!!

BONADUCE SLAM!

ELIMINATED
Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)
Yau-man (Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)
Jonathon (Favorites)
Chet (Fans)
Kathy (Fans)
Tracy (Fans)
Ami (Favorites)
Eliza (Favorites)
Ozzie (Favorites)
Jason (Fans)

Two Immunity Idol holders, two blindsides. If you GET the idol, USE the idol.

NEXT WEEK!
James almost loses his finger to disease and the Survivors are re-united with their families. WHY isn't Erik's brother more pumped to meet Jeff Probst?

SURVIVOR

2008-04-24T08:56:00.002-05:00

(I'M NOT YOUR SPOILERS, BUDDY! I'M NOT YOUR BUDDY, SPOILERS!)

Last Week on... SURVIVOR

Team Fo'Shizzle
Alexis
Amanda
Cirie
Erik
James
Jason
Natalie
Ozzie
Parvati

When we last left the group, Eliza had just been given the boot despite having *snicker* the hidden ~~Immunity Idol~~ crudely carved stick. Everyone has a good laugh before some people question Jason about what he was doing giving her the idol. Jason's like, what? I don't have any other allies here, what was I going to do? And really, you can't fault him for that.

What you can fault him for is being a knob, which is what Jason continually comes across as. He's like the Bo Bice of this season. Sure, he COULD win, but no one's really going to be happy if he does. Especially if he keeps bragging about beating Ozzie. You know why he was able to hold his breath longer? Because the majority of his brain cells are already dead. Don't believe me? We'll get to that in a bit.

REWARD CHALLENGE!
The 9 players will be split into 2 groups of 4, the one person who is not picked will be sent to Exile Island until the Immunity Challenge. The two teams will, one at a time, race through a watery obstacle course out to a puzzle. After studying the puzzle, the players will race back and try to replicate the puzzle back on the beach. First team to finish wins a trip to the island nation of Yap where they can hang out with Abigail Breslin and Jodie Foster. ... wait, sorry, that's Nim's Island, my bad. The usual feasting and dancing will commence upon their arrival.

I thought this was interesting, What's-her-face was one of the two team captains again. She's just lucky I guess. Oh, and can I once again mention that Natalie has YET to do an interview, and no one has even passingly mentioned her name for voting off yet? This girl is going DEEP into the competition.

So the teams are Jason, Ozzie, Erik (natch) and Amanda (also natch) versus Natalie, James, Parvati (natch) and Alexis. Poor Cirie is sent off to Exile, which I'm sure made her all kinds of pleased.

The race is pretty back and forth as after 26 days or so of little sleep everyone's brain is a little fried. The funniest part is James who stands looking at the puzzle for a loooong time, then rushes back to confidently put up ONE piece. Everyone is putting up 5 or 6 at a time, but at least James seemed sure about his. Thanks to a little sideline coaching from her team though, Amanada is able to finish the puzzle and send her boyfriend, his boyfriend and Jason to Yap.

Yap is a fantastic little place. Survivor really does find the most interesting places to expose the tribe members to, and you get the feeling that, yes, Survivor is about making the producers money and creating an entertaining show, but there always seems to be at least an effort of education and cultural awareness in each season.

Erik is getting very culturally aware at the moment. The women of Yap do not wear tops and Erik's eyes are practically falling out of his head trying to scope all of the pixelated flesh. "That's the most boobs I've ever seen in my whole life," says Erik. Really? The Ice Cream Scooper who looks like an extra from Prefontaine doesn't see a lot of action? Shock me, shock me, shock me.

Erik then proceeds to get sick on beer and betel nut, which, to me, is hilarious.

What's not hilarious is Cirie on Exile. Exile Island must be directly under the world's largest rain cloud, because the weather always seems to be bad there. Plus, there are leaves, and we know how Cirie feels about leaves. We see just enough of Cirie to know she's miserable before they leave her to suffer in peace.

Also suffering, though not in peace, is James. James is a good guy. He has a strong work ethic, and he doesn't like lazy people. So of course he's been stuck with Alexis, Natalie and Parvati, who are sleeping while he's working. Not a guy for subtlety, James goes through his morning routine as noisily as possible. Hacking logs, breaking them against other logs, loudly sharpening the hatchet, any thing he can do to wake up the women. Just as he about to hook up the Jackhammer, Parvati rolls over and chastises him for being loud! I wonder why he's making so much noise Parv, maybe because it's NOON and he spent all night keeping the fire going for the three of you! James vents to the camera about how annoying the girls are and, I gotta tell you, he was holding that bucket of water the whole time and I would have SWORN he was going to go back to camp and dump it on the three girls.

The victors return to camp and Ozzie immediately begins running his mouth about the food. Which is a stupid move. Three things will get you booted from this game with a quickness:
1) Laziness
2) Gluttony
3) Bragging.

Every year someone falls into the trap of combining 2 and 3, bragging about their reward meal, and almost every year that comes back to haunt them.

REWARD CHALLENGE
I've seen this one before too. Shii Ann won it in All Stars, keeping herself alive and in the game. Each player has to stand on a platform with their hand cuffed to a chain. The chain is connected to a tub of water. When the player can no longer keep their arm in the air, the tub of water spills on them, eliminating them.

The players are out on the platforms for about a half hour before Probst brings out the first temptation, a big bowl of candy. Now, I like candy, but I don't like it a $1,000,000 worth. But Cirie and Erik LOVE candy and agree to jump off together. Says James, "What in the Nicklodeon is going on here?" A little more time passes and Probst comes out with another plate. Alexis is so excited, she pulls her chain before Probst even reveals what it is. Probst then tells her, smiling the whole time, that this means she can't HAVE what's on the plate, since she didn't wait for him to make an offer. I don't know if Alexis would have been as sad if Probst had shot her father right in front of her.

No one takes the cookie, but Natalie suddenly loses concentration and spills her water. James has a good laugh, then slips himself. All you can say at that moment is, "Aw, bitch!" Which is what he says.

Probst then brings out a trio of chocolate donuts which Ozzie gladly takes. This is not a terrible move on his part, since Ozzie has the hidden immunity idol, so he should be safe from an elimination attempts. The last three hang in and hang in and hang in. Around the 4 hour mark Amanada asks permission to step down so that she doesn't pee herself. Now, again, $1,000,000 is worth a little of my own urine if you ask me, but no one ever does, so Amanada wets her self and then runs to avoid wetting herself.

So we're down to Parvati and Jason and when they hit the 5 hour mark Probst brings out a smorgasbord. Beer, pizza, candy, cookies, donuts, candy bars and milk. Who ever steps down not only gets the food but gets to share it with everyone else. Parvati gets in Jason's ear about how giving everyone that food could really win him some friends. Jason seems doubtful at first, but then Natalie says she won't vote for him if he steps down. Slowly everyone agrees. Of course, Jason can't see that they have their fingers crossed when they say it, but he should KNOW they don't mean it. But, you know what? He should have KNOWN that he had found a stick rather than the immunity idol, too. But Jason is stupid. And so he steps down and Parvarti wins.

Good-bye Young Bon Jovi. You are going down in a blaze of glory.

Or maybe not. Cirie, probably still ticked about the way Ozzie treats people, sees this as a perfect opportunity to cut Ozzie out of the game. So she gathers up Jason, Alexis, Natalie and Parvati and tells them the plan. Parvati has to decide then if she's going to kick out Ozzie now, who she'll lose against if he makes the final, or if she's going to stay true to her long running Favorites Alliance and get rid of Jason. I guess we'll see at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Jason is grilled for his move and rightfully so, he sacrificed immunity for the slim chance that people will like him for the food he won them. As James puts it "If you offer someone a donut and they say they won't vote for you because of it, it don't always mean they won't vote for you. Sometimes they just want the damn donut." Man, I love James. I'm going to miss him when he's inevitably voted out next week.

Ozzie, feeling paranoid before they headed to Tribal Council thought about bringing the hidden immunity idol with him, but apparently he left it at home, because he doesn't play it before the vote. We see James vote for Jason as he says "And I thought I was the stupidest Survivor ever," and at first it looks like James is right. The votes go Jason, Ozzie, Jason, Jason, Ozzie, Jason, Ozzie, Ozzie annnnnd Ozzie!?!! No one can believe it, especially Ozzie.

*sniff* Good-by King of Atlantis. Sleep well, my prince.

Ozzie leaves looking PISSED, and says in his send-off clip that who ever voted against him, "I pretty much hate you right now." So I would not count on Cirie or Parvati getting his million dollar vote.

ELIMINATED
Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)
Yau-man (Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)
Jonathon (Favorites)
Chet (Fans)
Kathy (Fans)
Tracy (Fans)
Ami (Favorites)
Eliza (Favorites)
Ozzie (Favorites)

Once again Ozzie relied on his skills rather than his brains to get him through the competition, and once again he was outwitted by someone else. Maybe All-Stars II will be his lucky break.

NEXT WEEK
One Alpha Male down, look out James!!

Prediction Time!
Your final four will be:
Cirie
Jason
Natalie
Parvati.

Your picks??

CATCHING SOME RAYS

2008-04-17T14:07:00.002-05:00

Discovery.com recently had an article about the latest hitch in manned travel to Mars.

No, it's not America's inability to build a shuttle that's less fragile than a kite made from balsa wood and wet Kleenex.

It's not the recent report that astronauts were going into space drunk.

Or spending their "Earth time" plotting the murder of their ex-lover's lover.

No, this one is actually pretty good. It's Cosmic Rays, and they're powerful enough to penetrate both the shuttle walls and the astronaut's flesh. Which is bad news for the astronauts because that's where they keep most of their important organs. When astronauts are on Earth, or the Moon, or even on Mars, many of these rays will be blocked by the planetary body. But in the actual space part of space, the cosmic rays are able to come from any angle. This would be less of a problem if NASA had taken my recommendation about using convicts to populate the space program, but instead they're still using Eagle Scouts, MENSA members, the occasional aged Senators and other people deemed as "important" and "contributing members of society" who shouldn't be bombarded constantly by poisonous space radiation.

Still, are we being too paranoid about all of this? Sure, Cosmic Rays can give you cancer, but aren't there benefits as well? Let's not forget these four:

Just, uh, you know, ignore the giant monster with the orange, craggy skin. After all, there's only a one-in-four chance that'll happen.

HANSON

2008-04-15T08:31:00.002-05:00

The Finance' and I went to see Hanson on Sunday night. They were FANTASTIC.

Yes, they did MMM bop (acoustically) and yes they have more than that song. They actually played for over an hour and a half just going from song to song to song.

If you ever have a chance to see them, go. It's a great show.

Though the audience does skew a little young.

YAYS!
...maybe not that young.

SURVIVOR

2008-04-14T08:42:00.004-05:00

... ...
...
...
*ahem*
sorryaboutthat.
SPOILERS!!
Last Week on... SURVIVOR

Team Ozzie:
Ozzie
Amanda
Cirie
Erik

Team Who:
Natalie
Alexis
Eliza
James
Jason
Parvati

Team Ozzie once again makes the miserable march back from Tribal Council, which at this point they could probably do in the dark. Everyone is bummed that Ami is gone, except for Erik. "How the hell am I still here?" he asks. I don't know. And if it were up to The Fiancee you wouldn't be. Get a hair cut.

The next morning we find the two least liked members of Team Who? (Jason and Eliza) sitting around discussing how little they are liked. Then the running joke of the episodes starts, as Jason informs Eliza that he has the hidden immunity idol. Now, Jason DOES NOT have the hidden immunity idol. He has a Stick. But he doesn't know that, and Eliza, who has yet to see Jason's idol, doesn't know that either. So he's excited and she's excited, and Jamie's excited as well.

The Confederation of Dunces couldn't be formed at a more appropriate time, because that day everyone gets the memo that it is time to MERGE. In a little bit of a cruel twist, everyone is ordered to pack up all of their things and row out to a new island. Once they arrive they are then instructed to pick one of their old islands to live on. Everyone picks The Favorite's beach instead of the Alcatraz copy Team Who? who had been trying to live on. So now they have to row everything BACK to that island (including the chickens. Heyyyyyy chickens.) and set everything back up again.

The new tribe is named by Erik, who tells everyone that "Dabu" is the Micronesian word for "good". He then reveals to the camera that "Dabu" is actually the Micronesian word for "Non-Micronesian Gibberish." "I could have named the tribe Maumau or Foshizzle, and I think they would have gone along with it." So from here on out, they will be Team Foshizzle.

The merge, as always, brings along some sticky entanglements. Erik, who has never met a hyperbole that he doesn't like, has sworn fealty to Ozzie for "saving his life." Eliza and Jason are stuck because Ami was voted out instead of Erik and that leaves them without an ally. Good thing they have that hidden immunity idol. *snicker* And while Eliza and Jason struggle to find another friend, Parvati is struggling with an overabundance. There's her original alliance of James, Ozzie and Amanda. Then there's her Team Who? alliance of Amanda, Alexis and what's-her-face. "I should just go and make an alliance with Eliza and Erik and have everyone mad at me," she jokes.

Good thing she's laughing about it, cause Amanda is not happy with suddenly being in an alliance with what's-her-face and Alexis. Especially with Alexis. Why? Because Survivor is like High School and Alexis is the transfer student that's suddenly catching the eye of your boyfriend. "Baby, I'm just showing her around the school." And that's not cool, cause the back seat of his car at the drive-in has nothing to DO with school, but at least you're still popular and a cheerleader and she's not, but then you come to cheerleading practice one day and there she is. And now they're talking about putting HER on the top of the pyramid, even though they promised you that spot over the summer. And the head cheerleader doesn't care, cause she's the head cheerleader and new girl isn't trying to steal her boyfriend.

So while "Head Cheerleader" Parvati is yuckin' it up, "Second Favorite Cheerleader" Amanda is sulking. But, we have to remember that Amanda is also a bit of a doormat, so she goes right along with the plan. She's going to "I don't know, what do you want to do" herself right out of a million bucks again this year.

Carrying on the Cheerleader metaphor if I can, and I will, Eliza is the dorky girl that lives on the same street as the head cheerleader and she thinks they're buddies cause they used to play together in elementary school, but what she doesn't know is that's just cause their mothers work together and there weren't any other kids their age that lived on the street. So now they're in High School and Eliza's all, hey Parvati, we're still on for that sleep over right? And Parvati's like, ohhhhh right, yeah, um, we can't. And Eliza's all, why not? And Parvati's looking at her feet and going, ummm... my house burned down. And, uh, you're probably allergic to my cat. And Eliza is starting to get worried and is like, well, we could just have it at my house then, and you can bring any of your friends over if you want, and my mom would order pizza. And Parvati just sorta mumbles and says she'll check.

...man, I gotta stop writing these metaphors, they make me sad on the inside.

So Eliza is sweating her position in the game and for good reason, but along comes Jason Bon Jovi who promises to give her his hidden immunity idol *snicker* if he wins individual immunity. That makes Eliza very happy because he's a boy and he's talking to her and they're PROBABLY going to get married. Or at least go to Prom.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Probst welcomes the new tribe and tries not to snicker when they tell him what Dabu "means". You can't fool Probst. Today's challenge? WATERBOARDING!! Ha-ha-ha-ha, you're outside of the U.S. suckas, and outside the reach of the Geneva Convention! Last person's brain to snap is the winner. The final three are James, Ozzie (natch) and Jason. James finally cracks under the pressure and it comes down to Ozzie and Jason. In a shocker, Jason pulls out an upset over The Dauphin of Atlantis. Ozzie actually comes out of the water looking like the ocean has betrayed him. You almost can't hear Probst congratulating Jason over the sound of Erik's sobbing.

Back at Camp Foshizzle, Jason is pumped about having won individual immunity over Ozzie. Maybe a little too pumped. Truth be told, he's kind of being a little cocky about it, especially for a guy that's currently hiding a stick like it's nuclear armament codes and not, you know, a stick. Eliza gets on his case about his promise and he tells her its in his backpack. Opening it up Eliza does a double take as she, unlike Jason, realizes she is holding a dirty napkin and a stick. You can hear her hopes being crushed from the Mainland.

Again, a metaphor. The dorky girl has finally met a boy that will give her the time of day. They went out a couple of times, hormones got the better of them, and now the girl has made a frightening discovery and her world has been turned upside down. Eliza confronts Jason about the idol, but this is what I heard.

Eliza- I'm pregnant.
Jason- No you're not.
Eliza- Yes. Yes I am.
Jason- We only did it, like, one time.
Eliza- That's enough.
Jason- You can't be pregnant.
Eliza- But I'm LATE.
Jason- Yeah, but you were on top. And that's scientifically impossible.
Eliza- Says who?
Jason- Says, you know, science.
Eliza- What science?
Jason- Hell if I know.
Eliza- Well... what if I am pregnant?
Jason- Sheeeesh, that's a toughie.
Eliza- Well, what am I going to do? I'd have to leave school!
Jason- Wow, I don't know. Well, I've got a scholarship, so I'm pretty good.

Which brings us to-
THE DOCTOR'S OFFI-
TRIBAL COUNCIL!

Eliza tries to make a case for keeping herself around in that she IS obnoxious and disliked (you know that sir) and that's how you win Survivor, by taking a less popular person with you. James says that's basically the first rule of winning Survivor. Heck, it cost Ozzie a million. Some heat is also thrown Alexis' way for being a "triple threat" of social, mental and physical skill. Alexis counters that anyone that's made it this far has to have at least two of those three skills. Everyone finally goes off to vote and Probst asks if anyone would like to play the hidden immunity idol.

AND ELIZA PLAYS IT.

Now keep in mind, she knows it is a stick. She knows in the very CORE of her being that it is a stick. But she is So Very Desperate that she is willing to ignore everything she knows about reason and play it any way. And that my friends, is how you get a Missile Defense System approved.

Probst gives his little speech about "hidden immunity blah blah blah" but you can't hear it over Ozzie and James howling like hyenas. I thought James was going to pass out from joy right then and there. Probst then tosses the stick into the fire, much to Ozzie's mock dismay. "Jeff, c'mon, that took hours to make." More laughing from James before Probst reads the votes.

Ozzie, Eliza, Ozzie, Eliza, Eliza, Aliza(?), Eliza, Eliza annnnnnnnd Eliza.

Oh, 'ell!

Sorry Eliza, at least the Rain in Spain still stays Mainly on the Plain.

ELIMINATED
Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)
Yau-man (Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)
Jonathon (Favorites)
Chet (Fans)
Kathy (Fans)
Tracy (Fans)
Ami (Favorites)
Eliza (Favorites)

NEXT WEEK!
Son of a... I actually can't remember. Let's say... Alexis and Ozzie cuddle some more, James crushes something with his hands and Erik uses another hyperbole. That sounds about right.

SURVIVOR

2008-04-10T12:39:00.003-05:00

Sorry for the delay, things pass slower on the island. Good news, you get back to back days with Survivor Reviews. Bad news, some of you don't like the Survivor Reviews. Worse news, SPOILERS!!

Last Week on... SURVIVOR

Team Ozzie:
Ozzie
Alexis
Amanda
Cirie
Erik

Team Who:
Natalie
Ami
Eliza
James
Jason
Parvati

Team Ozzie returns to camp after voting out Tracy with Ozzie still muttering about not being the leader of the tribe. No offense Ozzie, but look to your right. Now look to your left. Do you see anyone else leading this rag tag group? Guess that makes you the leader.

Later that night, Ami and Cirie go crab hunting to get some meat. It's just crabs, but you'd think Ami was slaying dragons the way she's screaming as she flails away with her machete.

While Team Ozzie is losing all the time and eating crab, Team Who? is winning but eating rat. That's right, rat. Jason, aka "Young Bon Jovi", spots a rat near the camp while the rest of the group is dreaming about food. Crushing it with an oar, he proceeds to HANG IT UP BY IT'S PAWS. It's hilarious and sad at the same time, which makes it all the more hilarious. Despite his rat squashing ways, Parvati still thinks he's a loser. Probably because he didn't know her name during the pick-'em. Of course, he WAS dumb enough to take Ozzie's fake idol, so she might be right. James, meanwhile, thinks they're all losers for being stuck on this island. "This is where they bring criminals," states James.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Whu-what? That came out of nowhere. *sniff* *sniff* I smell drama later on.

The Immunity Challenge has two twists. 1) Each team gets to select someone from the other team to send to Exile Isle rather than let them compete in the challenge. 2) The person they send to Exile Isle is given individual immunity for that night's tribal council. Oh, and who ever wins gets food, so that has them pretty excited as well.

Now, here's what I would do:
If I were on Team Ozzie, I would pick Eliza. She's nimble, clever and has good balance. So it'd be good to have her out. Plus, she's not well liked, so if they LOSE she'd probably get the chop, so by giving her immunity, you force them to cut someone else.

If I were on Team Who?, I'd pick Erik. He's quick and he's a tough competitor. Plus, if Team Ozzie loses (and odds are good) then he's protected, and then the Favorites HAVE to turn on themselves and cut someone.

Erik says he hopes he can survive the challenge. Having seen the preview, yeah, you BETTER hope you survive the challenge, son.

Everyone arrives and we find out that no one listens to Matt. Instead of Erik and Eliza, they sit out Ozzie and James, wait, Not James, Alexis, who I will no refer to as "Not James".

The challenge has 5 balance segments that two players from each team will race across and back bringing back 5 flags. The other two players will have weighted bags that they will swing at the players, trying to knock them down. If a player falls, they have to go all the way back to the start and the next person will go. Oh, and the winner gets pizza and beer. Is that rain, or is everyone just drooling? ... ew, that's gross. I really hope it's rain.

Young Jason Bon Jovi and Eliza go up against Erik and Amanda. Both Jason and Erik fly across the course the first time, then both Eliza and Amanda fall, so Jason and Erik go again. Erik is leaping across the first balance segment landing awkwardly each time. I keep waiting for the big hit shown in the previews. Jason and Eliza are now almost done. That is to say, OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-O! THEY'RE HALF WAY THERRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE!!! Finally the moment we've all waited for, Erik leaps for the platform and slams chest first into it, dropping into the mud. Jason races back with the last flag, leaving both Erik's sternum and hopes crushed.

We get to see Team Who enjoy their pizza party, but not much comes from it, other than James, who is capable of all things, has added "Open Bottles With Teeth" to his resume.

We then jump to Exile Island where Ozzie is helping Not James work her way through the immunity idol clues. Ozzie knows the idol's been found (cause he found it), but wants to see if anyone has found the fake idol he left in it's place (yes, it was Jason). They get to the last clue and Ozzie is trying his best to let Alexis find the spot on her own, but finally he goes "maybe it'd be here" and picks up the rock to find... nothing. And there was much rejoicing for Ozzie.

The rest of the episode sits at Camp Ozzie as Erik and Ami take turns selling each other out to anyone that'll listen. That's basically all that happens for the last 15 minutes. Erik pulls the old "Gut Spill", where someone on the chopping block just starts sharing everyone's secrets. It didn't work for Shii Ann and I don't think it's going to work this time. All it really does is make Ami cry, and then wave a machete in Erik's face while talking really, really calmly to Erik. Toooooo calmly.

Cirie doesn't know who to trust, because she doesn't actually trust either of them. Ozzie learns from Erik that Ami was part of not one, but two plots to oust him. Ozzie doesn't take backstabbing well. I still remember him yelling at Jonathon "THAT'S what happens to Traitors" after Jonathon mutinied in Survivor: Cook Island (and then proceeded to be on the losing team in that challenge). So it could go either way at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
"4 Times In a Row" are the first words out of Probst's mouth. "Well, hi Jeff, how are you? We're doing well." In the next breath he also calls them "the inferior team." Wow, Jeff, how do you really feel? Ami cries, Ozzie accuses, Erik tries to save his neck. The votes come in, Ami... Erik... Ami... are we going to see a tie? No! Ami gets 3 of the 4 votes and is sent packing.

BONADUCE SLAM!

Why? If I had to guess it's because non-leader Ozzie told them he wants to keep Erik around. You know, maybe if they HAD a leader, they wouldn't have lost 4 immunity challenges in a row.

ELIMINATED
Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)
Yau-man (Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)
Jonathon (Favorites)
Chet (Fans)
Kathy (Fans)
Tracy (Fans)
Ami (Favorites)

NEXT WEEK!
Merger! Amanda is jealous of Ozzie and Not James! And this sure-to-be-classic dialogue between Eliza and Jason.
Eliza- It's not the idol.
Jason- It IS the idol.
Eliza- It's NOT the idol.
Jason- Why do you say that?
Eliza- Because THAT CAN'T be the idol.
Jason- Why not?
Eliza- Cause it's just a STICK.

FLOCKING NEWS

2008-04-08T08:17:00.002-05:00

I head some disturbing news driving in to work today. Turkeys are attacking postal carriers in Madison, WI. And I don't mean turkeys as in "code for hippy liberals" or anything. I mean, honest to goodness gobble-gobble, turkeys. Apparently there are bands of wild turkeys roaming the city and attacking mail carriers. This came as a big surprise to me as a graduate of the University of Wisconsin-Madison (official motto: The Only Reason I'm Not Hung Over is I'm Still Drunk), because I don't remember ever seeing a turkey in my entire time at the University. Perhaps they've migrated north since I graduated, it seems like the only logical explanation.

The turkeys have been pecking at postal workers, scratching them with their talons and, on at least one occasion, jumping into an open mail truck and attacking the driver. The turkey was not able to gain control of the vehicle, but if it had I bet there would have been reports of it cruising slowly in front of post offices all across the city, another turkey in the passenger seat, clanking bottles together.

"Mailmen Come Out And Plaaaaay.
Maaaaailllmen Come Out And Plaaaaaay.
MAAAAAAAILLLLLLLMEN COME OUT AND PLAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!"

The speculative reason for the sudden turkey attacks? Mating season. Hot, hormone laden turkeys driven to uncontrollable lust by the grey uniforms of the United States Postal Service. That's... that's disgusting, to be honest. Remember, you always have the right to say no. Even if the turkey has bought you dinner, even if you've started fooling around, even if you've already had sex with a turkey before, you always have the right to say no.

So not only are postal workers being assaulted, they're being sexually assaulted. Which we all know is worse, because it has the word "sex" in it and we are a country founded by Puritans who had no problems burning someone to death for "allegedly" being a witch, but who believed if you showed any flesh below the chin or above the shin, even to your husband, even after you had had children, you were a prostitute and should be burned to death. But we've come a long way since then, some women are even allowed to talk to men today as if they were equals, and we no longer resolve all of our problems through burning. Not since we invented guns and the Second Amendment. So postal workers have been given guns to protect themselves from turkey attacks, but since this is Madison (city motto: The Most Outraged City This Side of the Mississippi) the guns only fire water. Postal workers have been complaining about the squirt gun solution lately, because not only have the turkeys grown used to the squirting, but because some times the guns leak, getting water all over the Desert Eagle the postal carrier was concealing in their mail bag.

The obvious solution to all of this is a pair of phone calls to the Butterball and Jenny-O headquarters, but until I'm elected an official in Madison, I doubt that that is going to happen.

This just goes to show, America, that while there are many delicious birds, there is only one bird that is good while it is alive. And it loves Rock, and it loves Chalk.

Adorable, isn't he?

THE PROMISED LAND

2008-04-04T08:44:00.004-05:00

There'll be a Survivor recap later today, it's currently pinned between Eric's sternum and his spine and we're trying to use the Jaws of Life to get it free.

One quick thing to touch on though, because I'd feel remiss if I didn't.

Today is the 40th anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.'s assassination. King said the world should be a place where you aren't judged by race. That a person's character is more important than a person's looks. And he wasn't afraid to be tossed in jail for expressing these beliefs. And he wasn't afraid of hoses or dogs or riot cops or his own death.

Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land!

And then a man with a gun sent him back to God.

Martin Luther King Jr. lived his life like Christ wanted everyone to live. He spoke out for others, he espoused love and justice. Social justice, economic justice, political justice. He worked for these things knowing and fully accepting that his actions could lead to his death. He believed that love and justice were more important than one's own life and that a life devoted to those ideals was not a life wasted. Even if you don't believe in God, you can still believe in King's words.

Probably everyone and their mother that does a King piece today will put up "I Have A Dream" so to slightly different the good people here at Star Worz are bringing you "I've Been To The Mountain Top" instead. It's long enough to require two parts, but it's also good enough to make it worth listening to all the way through.

We're better people than we were 40 years ago, but we aren't perfect yet. The Promised Land still eludes us, but with works and faith, there isn't any mountain that can't be climbed.

On this day, and every day, Be Excellent To Each Other.

THE FRIENDLY SKIES

2008-04-03T12:58:00.003-05:00

US Airways announced on Opening Day (aka Monday) that on Saturday one of their planes had had a... minor incident.

The pilot's gun went off. Which is a bad thing, because planes, like people and most major appliances, don't work properly once shot. And that's not even the worse case scenario. What if the pilot's shot went into the passenger area? And that woke up the sleeping Air Marshal hidden on the plane to protect everyone from Very Bad Things happening. So the Air Marshal is groggy and thinks a Very Bad Thing is happening and he starts shooting HIS gun. And pretty soon bullets are wizzing all around the cabin and you can't duck for cover because the person in front of you has their chair fully reclined pinning your knees down. Then the stewardesses are trying to tell the Air Marshal that there is no Very Bad Thing happening, but he's so angry about his two flight delays, and the fact that no airline gives you peanuts any more, and that all the normal Marshals make fun of him for being "just an Air Marshal" when they have their big Marshal summer cook-outs, that he just keep shooting any way. So you have to make an emergency landing in Intercourse, Pennsylvania, which is a very funny name when you're in middle school and hear it for the first time, but it is not what you would call an air traffic hub. Also, you can almost guarantee that your luggage is going to be lost.

Fortunately, this was not a worse case scenario, but still. The pilot, the person responsible for safely, you know, pilot-ing the plan from Point A to Point B, accidentally shot his own plane. That'd be like He-Man accidentally shivving Battle Cat with the Sword of Power.

So some questions are raised:
1) How did the gun go off? Was he trying to pick up a stewardess?
-"Hey baby, I'd sure like to fly YOUR friendly skies."
-"Ummm... no."
-"What if I showed you this little beau-" *kapow* "uhhh... that's- that's not a metaphor or any*ahem*thing."

2) How can a pilot be trusted with a complicated machine like an airplane when they can't be trusted to operate a safety button?

3) This pilot was authorized to carry a gun, in case something should happen. If something, should happen, is the pilot's plan to shoot down his own plane?
-"Fly this plane into a building!"
-"I don't think so!" *kapow* *kapow* *kapow*
-"Curses! We did not see this coming!"

4) If pilots can carry guns, how long before astronauts are allowed to have guns?

5) How long before they're allowed to have SPACE guns?

OPENING DAY!

2008-03-31T09:21:00.002-05:00

Today is, weather permitting, the first day of the Milwaukee Brewer's season. Forget yesterday's game between the Washington ~~Expos~~ Nationals and the Atlanta Braves (Team Motto: No, it's totally cool. This Native guy lives in my apartment complex). And double forget last week's Boston Red Sox/Oakland A's two game "Opening Day" series in Japan.

MLB: So, here's the deal guys. The NFL is trying to expand their market, holding games in Mexico and England. So, we're going to counter that by sending both of your teams to Japan to play for two games.

Red Sox: That's kind of a far for an exhibition game, isn't it?

MLB: Oh, no, these games will count.

A's: Like, for reals?

MLB: Yeah, A's, for reals.

A's: I guess that's cool. It'll certainly give us a lot of time to rest before the rest of the season starts up.

MLB: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Rest? Nah, you'll come back and crank out a few more exhibition games between then and the start of the real season.

Red Sox: Soooo... we have to play real games, then come back and play more fake games, and then play more real games?

A's: And we have to cross the Lost ocean to do it?

Red Sox: Dude, that's show's not real.

A's: Uh, WRONG. I read it on the internet.

MLB: Fellahs, fellahs, we can sort out these details on the flight. It's 14 hours long and crosses the date line.

A's: What if we don't want to go?

MLB: We'll force you to relocate in Puerto Rico.

Red Sox: That's cool. Half the team's already Puerto Rican.

MLB: *sigh* Fine, we'll relocate you to Kansas City. You'll all be Royals.

A's: NOOOOOOOOO!!!

So today is the Real start of Real Baseball. The Brewers, after years of heart crushing abysmality (a highly appropriate word I possibly just made up) finally finished above .500 last year for the first time since George H.W. Bush was in the White House. This year I predict 86 wins, and the Wild Card. Mark it down and we'll see how close I came at the end of the season. (Note: come back to this post at the end of the season and edit wins so I look like a genius) (Note: remember to delete first note before posting) (Note: Also delete second note. ... and this one)

Of course, as I mentioned earlier, today's game is weather permitting, as there's a storm system over Chicago. I, just don't know if any one will come.

Wait, what's that James Earl Jones??

I AM FAIRLY INTERESTED IN BLACK PEOPLE

2008-03-27T08:08:00.003-05:00

This:

Is apparently a big deal.

Not because it is the first time that a black man has been featured on the cover of Vogue.

No, of course not, that's a stupid thing to celebrate. Diversity. Pffft.

No, it's a big deal because it is.... wait for it...

RACIST

Because you see, it's not ACTUALLY a picture of one of the most popular athletes in the world with one of the most famous super models, no, no, no. What are you? Slow?

And it's not, as I thought, another reminder that not only could LeBron destroy me in a game of pick-up if he spotted me the first 9 points, but he is also attractive to women. That is only what an idiot would think.

It's instead a reinforcement of "the criminalization of black men" according to, well, a gym teacher.

Never mind that LeBron himself was pleased with the picture. What does he, as a young black man, know about the portrayal of young black men in the media? He didn't even GO to college!

There are really only two people that should be upset about this cover. Tom Brady, because LeBron is getting handsy with his lady, and Bridget Moynahan, because Gisele is the woman Tom dumped her for. While pregnant. Gooo Patriots!!

Jason Whitlock has more to say on the topic. I don't always agree with him, but I think he's on target here. Even if I am, you know, a terrible racist.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be researching the cover of the first Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue to feature a black woman for subtle racial undertones.

I may be a while.

SPRING COMES BEFORE THE FALL

2008-03-24T13:02:00.003-05:00

When you watch football, you'll hear announcers talk about having to "wrap up" an offensive player in order to tackle him. "You gotta wrap him up around the legs" or "If you try and wrap him up around the shoulders, he's just going to shake you off." But this isn't just a figure of speech, it turns out it's actually true. If you want to take down a football player, your best bet may be to actually wrap him up.

Or at least use a wrapper.

Denver Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall will be in a cast for at least two weeks after falling through an entertainment center after slipping on a McDonald's wrapper.

Let's review.

VS

Winner by TKO:

That's why I go to Burger King.

PUMP IT!

2008-03-20T15:21:00.004-05:00

In some Non-Survivor news, rumor has it that the Black Eyed Peas will be releasing their last album as a group later this year. Apparently using entire songs as recording samples and figuring out new ways to rhyme "us" with "us" wears on you after a while. Well that and probably the fact that Fergie is now a Kabillion-aire who no longer needs the group, and without the "hot" girl, B.E.P is just three dudes who's idea of rhyming is repeating the same line a second time. ... which is not, actually, rhyming. Not, actually, rhyming.

Good-bye Black Eyed Peas! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

YAYS!

SURVIVOR

2008-03-20T13:43:00.003-05:00

(Like the Spanish Oilers, we're SPOILERS)

Last Week on... SURVIVOR

Team Ozzie:
Ozzie (natch)
Alexis
Amanda
Chet(gone)
Cirie
Erik
Joel(gone)
Tracy

Team Who:
Natalie
Ami
Eliza
James
Jason
Jonathon(gone)
Kathy
Parvati

Now, in case you were looking at that list and going, wait, when did Jonathon go, you have to remember last week Jonathon was sent home because of an infection spreading through his body. So even though Team Who won last week's Immunity Challenge, the numbers are still pretty close.

The big deal in the opening for Team Ozzie is the Chickens. Tracy is trying to get under Ozzie's skin by suggesting that they should start killing the chickens and eat the meat. If they kill one a week that would last them through the rest of the season. Ozzie, as a sane person, thinks this is a bad idea. "Why would you kill a renewable resource?" asks Ozzie, and really, I can't think of any reason. Can you?

Meanwhile at Team Who? camp the women are starting to work James' nerves again. They complain about having to live in a cave, they complain about the funk they've acquired and they complain about the rain. James, also a sane person, states the obvious that the Fans are no worse off than they were before the tribe swap, and at least now they live in a cave where they aren't getting rained on. Smart man that James, even if he did sit on TWO immunity idols last season. Two of them. In the final five.

Speaking of having Idols, Erik's got himself one in the form of Ozzie. If this were an Anime every time Erik looked at Ozzie his eyes would turn to stars. Or rainbows. Or robots. I can never follow those cartoons. As Cirie puts it, "If Ozzie were to get down on one knee right now, I think he and Erik would get married." Cirie, on the other hand, would not be accepting Ozzie's proposal after he drags her, Amanda and Erik out into the middle of the ocean to go hunting for fish. Cirie, not a strong swimmer, has the heebie jeebies about being so far away from shore (and I can't say I blame her) but her concerns are poo-poo'ed by the King of Atlantis. Cirie, keep in mind, does not like being poo-poo'ed. More on that later.

Hey, I wonder if Team Who's earlier feeling of uncleanliness will play a part in the-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Four blindfolded players will push a giant Samoan money wheel through a course being guided by the other two players. Along the way the wheel will crush four blocks holding smaller money wheels. Those smaller money wheels have to then be placed on a puzzle board to win. Both teams move rather well for being blindfolded, you don't see any shots of people taking headers or walking full bore into a tree or anything, but Eliza isn't urging on her team with the vigor Cirie is using. Even if Cirie has to be constantly reminded that her left and the team's left were two different things. In the end Team Ozzie finally breaks their 3 challenge losing streak and wins a Herbal Essence Spa Treatment for the entire team. ... well, not the ENTIRE team. Someone's gotta go to Exile. Ozzie asks Tracy if she'd mind taking one for the team, but he asks her in the same way your parents "ask" you to take out the garbage. Jason is sent out as well, but at least he can't find ANOTHER fake idol, can he? No, no, nooooo Jason, put that down, that's a pine cone. Every random piece of plant life you find can not be the idol.

The rest of Team Ozzie enjoys a nice little scrub-down, but that's nothing compared to the waterworks going on back at Team Who? camp. Kathy is breaking down. She's been trying to send vibes out to her daughter and she doesn't feel like they're reaching her. ... I'd like to take a moment and mention that I'm not making that up. Probst gets word that Kathy is falling apart and he shows up to hear her side of the story. Not to change her mind, just to make sure she's certain she wants to leave. She says yes and Probst calls the boat. And like that, Team Who? who has YET to lose an Immunity Challenge, is down another player. Thanks Kathy, way to represent the #3 seeded Badger State.

Back at Team Ozzie, Cirie gets in Amanda's ear about Ozzie and Erik's manship and how Ozzie is only out for Ozzie. Amanda, who apparently forgot how the game works, seems surprised that Ozzie might only be looking out for Ozzie and not also for his Shark Wrasslin' Woman.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Back to even numbers thanks to Kathy, no one has to sit out for this challenge. One player will run out with a line, hook that line to a block of puzzle pieces, and then be dragged in by the rest of their team back to the beach. Once all five blocks are back, two players assemble the puzzle which forms "a perfect square". Of course this event involves the water, because Ozzie needs to have some sort of advantage.

And boy, does he take off like a fish. Ozzie has the first pack back before Eliza is even out to her's and tears back to retrieve the second pack before Eliza is even up on the beach. Ozzie then hands off to his future common-law husband for the third run but when Erik doesn't get back enough for Ozzie's liking, hubbie takes the rope for the last two package runs. ... that was an unintentional dirty metaphor, I swear it.

So Amanda and Cirie are already assembling the puzzle for Team Ozzie while Eliza is slip sliding her way to get the fifth bundle. Amanda and Cirie are still assembling the puzzle while Jason and Eliza struggle to get the puzzle pieces out of their bundles. Amanda and Cirie are stil asssembling the puzzle while Jason and Eliza try to figure out where everything goes. Come to think of it, Amanda and Cirie have been working on that puzzle for a long time. Too long it turns out, because you know what Eliza eats for breakfast?

Puzzles.

And for the second time this season Eliza helps her team come from FAR behind on a puzzle solving challenge to avoid elimination. Of course, you can almost hear Probst thinking "that's fine, but one of you's going to die or something before tribal council anyway. ... man, I look good in this shirt."

Back at Camp Ozzie, Tracy's head is on the chopping block as the next Fan to go. But Tracy, Jedi Master that she is, has a plan to save herself. She, Ami and Erik will vote for Ozzie. She and Ami will meanwhile convince Amanda and Cirie that Erik should go instead of Tracy, and that Tracy and Ami will be voting for him. Ozzie, unwilling to vote out his Boy Wonder, will vote for Tracy. That will be one vote for Tracy, two votes for Erik and three surprise votes for Ozzie. It's a brilliant plan actually, but perhaps too brilliant. For it to work Amanda and Cirie have to agree to go against Ozzie.

It's interesting to watch the discussion that takes place because at one point Tracy goes "so, what are you girls going to do?" and there's a long pause before Amanda laughs really nervously and goes "Why are you asking me?" Amanda is apparently STILL trying to play the "I'm just here for the ride" game that blew up so badly in her face last season. All that's left is the water works in the final three again. But that's a long, long ways off and right now we've got-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Probst, being Probst, starts right off by asking if there's a leader at camp. Tracy says Ozzie is the leader, Ozzie says that's news to him. Cirie says that while Ozzie isn't the leader, "95% of anything that anyone does, they check with Ozzie first." Which is saying that Ozzie is the leader without actually saying it. Erik then crushes some more on Ozzie by declaring that if Ozzie weren't there they'd be falling apart even quicker than they are now. Which is NOT the sort of thing you want to hear one of your key votes say about the guy you're trying to eliminate.

So we go to the vote and sure enough even a Jedi master can only make weak-minded fools do her bidding for so long. Tracy is the ONLY person not to vote for Tracy, and she is sent home to shoot womp rats in her T-16.

Mmmm, struck down Erik, you should have. Mmmm.

ELIMINATED
Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)
Yau-man (Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)
Jonathon (Favorites)
Chet (Fans)
Kathy (Fans)
Tracy (Fans)

Probst sends everyone off into the night reminding them that only Team Who's rotten luck is even keeping the game close at this point and they better get things into gear, and soon.

NEXT WEEK!
What's-her-face makes a Final Four Alliance! And Erik leans he can't fly the hard way!

SURVIVOR

2008-03-19T14:53:00.002-05:00

(Beware Traveller! Here there be SPOILERS!)

Last Week on... SURVIVOR

Team Ozzie:
Ozzie (natch)
Alexis
Amanda
Chet
Cirie
Erik
Joel(gone)
Tracy

Team Who:
Natalie
Ami
Eliza
James
Jason
Jonathon
Kathy
Parvati

After being blindsided by the Joel vote, Erik comes to the realization that sometimes people lie in the game of Survivor in order to further their own agenda. Seriously, I don't know what game these people are supposed to be fans of, but it's not Survivor. The next morning Tracy explains her side of things on the ousting of Joel. Man, it must be cold on that island. That's all I'm saying.

Tracy also tries to pull over Ami to the Fan side by acting like a sad-sack around camp. If you notice though, that's two different conversations edited together, as you can tell by the rather blatant change in apparel between the start and end of the talk between the women. Will Ami switch sides? Well we won't know until Tribal Council and we can't get there until we have-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
The players have to swim out to a float stacked with logs, boards and rope. Then they float those supplies back to the mat where they'll have 10 minutes to build a blockade to stop the other team from advancing. The two teams will then switch sides and the first team to overcome the barricaded chamber and get all members to the mat will win. And what do they win? SLAVES! YAYS!!

Ahhhh, I'm kidding, they win a pair of Islanders who will help show them how to better live on the island. Despite Jonathon's bum knee, he insists that he can be helpful in this challenge, so what's-her-face sits out instead. Good old what's-her-face.

Jonathon hobbles on the beach as the rest of the group swims out to get the bundles, yelling encouragement. Both teams get their supplies to the mat about the same time and the barricade building begins. Team Who? jams as much of their material into the chamber as they can, while Team Ozzie spends most of their time building a nigh-impenetrable front. This reminds me of a challenge seasons ago where the teams had to lock up a treasure chest as tightly as they could. One team tied a bunch of small knots, while the other group put all of their hope on one giant "super knot", in the end the "super knot" failed and the other team breezed to victory. The same thing happens here, as after Jason and Eliza manage to squeeze past Team Ozzie's first barricade there's nothing stopping them and the rest of the team quickly follows suit. Even Jonathon, who has to be pulled out by James and Jason at the end.

Chet and Jason are then sent off to Exile Island, but we'll get to that in a moment.

First we have to interrupt Team Who's good mood by having the doctor check on Jonathon's condition. The prognosis is not good as the doctor very bluntly informs him that if he doesn't get thee to a hospital he's going to lose his leg and possibly his life. Teary eyed and certain he had the game in his pocket, Jonathon gets on a boat and heads off into the sunset.

*sniff*

Back at Camp Who? everyone is sad that Jonathon has had to leave the game, especially James, who realizes that he is suddenly the odd man out and his lack of communicative skills, while very cool as a character trait, do him little good in a game of strategy.

Then came the Islanders

I mean the Samoans

I mean Edwin and Joe. They aren't even out of the boat before Parvati is hitting on them. Ohhhh good old Parvati. The Samoans show them how to catch fish and get crabs, ... must resist Parvati joke.... musssst fiiiight. While the Samoans teaching, the players are plotting. I know, Erik would be SHOCKED. Amanda wants to chop out Chet, because, well, he's Chet. Ami, however, feels bad for the Fans and talks to Tracy about possibly kicking out Cirie. Man, Tracy is like 10 Jedi!

Over at Exile Island Chet is Chet-tin' it up aka laying in the water. He hurt his heel I guess (I don't know how you hurt yourself just laying around all day) and doesn't want to look for the Idol, which he thinks Ozzie already has. Jason is a little more optimistic and goes looking. And then he finds it. The fake idol. The terrible fake idol. The hacked out of a piece of driftwood terrible fake idol. AND HE TAKES IT! Ohhhhhh Jason, Jason, Jason. Even Jamie thinks that's a dumb move.

Oh well, it'll only matter if Team Who loses the-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Probst explains the Jonathon situation to everyone and lets them all know that he is doing much, much better now that he's gotten the wound cleaned and some IV antibiotics into him. Then he explains the challenge, two players must cross a wide gap with the rest of the team holding balancing platforms for them to stand on. Once they've crossed, the entire team must then climb a small tower where all of them must have both feet on or above the top platform. I don't know if it's because it's Fans vs Favorites or because it's the sixteenth season, but I've seen this challenge before.

James literally carries Team Who to victory, as they use a single balance pole to carry first Eliza and then Parvati across the water. Team Ozzie, meanwhile, struggle to use the poles as they're intended, inching Tracy across the gap. Before they even get back to grab Ami, Team Who is up on the platform using James as an anchor to hold everyone aloft.

Back at camp, Team Ozzie is talking about how strong of a competitor Jonathon is and how much pain he must have been in to leave. So who comes hobbling up? If you guessed Chet, congratulations! You've been watching the show! So Chet wants out because his heel really hurts. Like, a lot. Ouchies. Tracy and Erik want Chet to stick around though, so they can use his vote to get rid of Ozzie and eliminate a huge threat. Erik starts throwing around hyperbole like a zoo monkey flings poop, telling Chet it'd be the greatest thing EVER in Survivor history if he could do this with his "last dying breath". Chet is undecided. I'm reminded of, I want to say Survivor: Amazon where after the merge the woman's tribe members absolutely REFUSED to vote off one of their women so they would have numbers on the guys. Every week the woman would beg to be voted off because she hated it and was sick and every week the women would vote off a guy instead. Funny, really, when you think about it. Unless you were that woman, I guess.

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
People talk about Jonathon and the possibility of Ozzie having the Immunity Idol. Ozzie denies it and then seems to speak prophetically as he says if he's voted off it would be a complete blindsiding. Chet, for his part, is dumb and doesn't say "I want to go home" but instead says something about no one ever knowing who's going home. So, you know, way to blow the potential blindsiding Chet. None the less, Ozzie refuses to play the immunity idol and the votes come out.

Chet. Chet. Chet. Chhhhhhhhet. And like that, Chet is gone! Even Erik voted for him, proving that Erik has no idea what he's doing in this game. At all. Tracy, meanwhile, watches her Survivor plans go up in a cloud of pink smoke.

BONADUCE SLAM!

ELIMINATED
Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)
Yau-man (Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)
Jonathon (Favorites)
Chet (Fans)

NEXT WEEK!
Life is hard. Hard for the Fans. Hard for Team Who. Hard. Hard. Hard. Welcome to Survivor!

GONE BABY, GONE

2008-03-13T16:10:00.002-05:00

I will be out of town this weekend until Monday. I received a phone call last night telling me that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays picked up my contract and I need to report to spring training. Apparently they're pretty good at both pitcher and first base, but they just need more bodies to absorb hard slides into second base and 90 mile per hour retaliatory fastballs to the upper rib cage the next time they play the Yankees.

So it's a mixed blessing, especially since I won't even get to SEE Survivor until Monday, so there'll be no recap until then, if at all for this week. That really has me feeling bad. That and the hard slides into second base. I heard they let major league players wear metal cleats. That doesn't seem fair.

YANKEES SIGNING INTENTIONS CRYSTAL CLEAR

2008-03-11T11:59:00.002-05:00

The New York Yankees have announced intentions to sign 60 year old comedian Billy Crystal to a one-day contract. Barring disapproval by Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig, Crystal, a life long Yankees fan, will play Thursday in a spring training game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.

The immediate ramifications have been felt throughout the rest of the MLB. The Boston Red Sox are already offering huge two-day contracts to both Ben and Casey Affleck, in an effort to stay ahead of the Yankees in the completely unimportant spring training pennant race.

The Milwaukee Brewers, meanwhile, have announced signing Kevin Costner, Tim Robbins, Charlie Sheen and that kid from Rookie Of The Year that went on to be in "that pie movie" all to lucrative multi-year contracts as their new pitching rotation. When informed he would be released from his contract with the Brewers, Olympic Gold Medalist Ben Sheets broke down into tears. He then immediately contracted pneumonia from the tears and was put on 85 day injured reserve.

SURVIVOR

2008-03-10T14:11:00.003-05:00

*cough* *cough* Sorry for the delay on the *cough**hork**hack**cough*wheeze* Survivor recap. I've been sick the past.... millennium or so (at least that's how it feels). But, cause you demanded it, and because I'm too lazy to create original content and badly need the 4 cents a day I average in ad revenue, here is this week on... SURVIVOR

(Spoilers. Really? Yeah, really.)

Fans:
Alexis
Chet
Erik
Jason
Joel
Kathleen
Mary gone
Mikey B gone
Natalie
Tracy

Favorites:
Amanda(China)
Ami(Vanuatu)
Cirie(Panama)
Eliza(Vanuatu)
James(China)
Jonathan(Cook Island)
Johnny Fairplay(Pearl Island) gone
Ozzie(Cook Island)
Parvati(Cook Island)
Yau-Man(Fiji) gone

Maybe it was the cold and the coughing and the sweats, but it struck me that a lot of the beginning of this week was recap. Probably because nothing too important happens until the teams show up for-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
But before there can be a reward challenge, drop your buffs everyone, it's time to-

TEAM SWAP!
By luck of the draw Ozzie and Natalie are the new team captains. If you found yourself going "Ozzie and who?" don't feel too bad. That girl is Natalie, and she's done nothing so far. Which means she'll make the jury. Seriously. The girl has kept her head down and her mouth shut, and they haven't even started airing interview segments with her yet. Why? Cause she's probably got a LOT of face time coming her way in the back half of the season. Trust me, Denise was the same way. So was Brian in Thailand.

New Teams! Team Ozzie and Team Who!
Team Ozzie:
Ozzie (natch)
Alexis
Amanda
Chet
Cirie
Erik
Joel
Tracy

Team Who:
Natalie
Ami
Eliza
James
Jason
Jonathon
Kathy
Parvati

The two funny parts to come out of this are Ozzie trying to pick Joel and calling him Troy, not once but three times.
Ozzie- Troy.
*Everyone looks around*
Probst- Who?
Ozzie- Troy?
Probst- Joel?
Ozzie- Yeah, Troy. Joel. Whichever.

That and the indignation Parvati had when Jason called her "Poverty" when he picked her. Hey, if she was named "Jason" people wouldn't screw it up so much. ... if she were named "Jason" and looked like this though:

That'd probably just confuse people more.

So, now that everyone has new fresh smelling buffs and the winning team has been offered meat and wine it's time to get to the-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Pairs are tethered together and forced to run a course. Pair A tries to avoid Pair B for a full minute, if they do, they get a point. If Pair A catches them, then they get the point. Nothing like racing through a maze of low and middle hanging wooded beams to soften up the competition. Parvati gets a fat lip, Ami lands awkwardly and spends the rest of the episode gimping around and Jonathon makes a diving tag that leaves him with a gaping hole in his leg next to his knee. But none of those injuries match the sheer brutality that Joel visits on his partner Chet. After one bad tumble Chet literally can't get back to his feet for the final 30 seconds so Joel just drags him through the mud, slamming his head twice into a wooden beam and then sending him flipping over another beam. That Chet wasn't stretchered off the island right then and there was a miracle.

In the end Team Who wins the challenge. But every time God closes a door he opens a window and Team Ozzie gets to go back to the Favorites camp. I have to believe the Fans thought they had died on the trip over and ended up in heaven, that's how amazed they were about their new digs. And THEN the remaining Favorites took them all to their Summer Home, aka the cave, and showed them that area too.

Oh yeah, and then Amanda caught, wrestled, and killed a 40 pound shark, so they had 40 pounds of shark meat to feast on. Said Amanda "I found a shark in the net! I'm from Montana, we don't have sharks in Montana! So I had to, you know, just kinda, I guess, wrestle it." That Ozzie didn't drag her off and make passionate love to her right then and there is a testament to his self-restraint.

While Team Ozzie is putting a good face on their loss, Team Who is having a big ol' frowny face put on their win. First, there's home, sweet home.

Then there's the difficulty they have cooking their Reward, as the Fans (who, remember, are all HUGE FANS OF SURVIVOR), have built their fire pit beneath the TIDELINE. James wonders out loud how these people are even still alive.

Speaking of staying alive, Jonathon's in real bad shape with his knee. The medical team comes in that night and cleans out the wound, which looks a lot like the Sarlacc Pit. I think I can even see a little Boba Fett falling to his tiny death before they stitch it up. Morning finally comes and the Favorites jump into action. Just to show how easy it is when you know what you're doing, under the direction of the Favorites, Team Who has a new space cleared, fire pit dug and shelter built in ONE HOUR.

Let's review. 12 days on their own:

ONE day with the Favorites:

Good thing these people are fans, or who knows WHAT might have happened!

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Four of the players have to throw rocks to break four clay tablets. When the four tablets break they will drop four stacks of puzzle pieces. The four players then give those pieces to three of the players to assemble into a color matching puzzle. The last player is in an elevated chair helping them figure out the puzzle from above. Team Ozzie jumps out to a huge lead despite Joel's ability to hit the broad side of a barn, let alone a clay tablet. James, Jason, Natalie and Jonathon are getting frustrated because they've finally hit all four clay tablets, but two of them refuse to break completely, keeping their pieces suspended in the air. At one point Jonathon hits a tablet and the rock bounces off causing him to throw his hands in the air and go "I mean... MY ASS!!" So it looks hopeless for Team Who.

But then we get to the puzzle and Team Ozzie can NOT figure out how it's supposed to work. And suddenly Team Who has broken all of their tablets and Ami, Kathy and Parvarti are clicking on the puzzle with Eliza leading them from on high. This leads Joel to start panicking and yelling advice to Chet, who's doing his best to a) solve the puzzle and b) not fall out of his chair. Joel's frustration grows and grows but even his rage can't stop Team Who from coming from behind to snatch victory out of the jaws of Chet.

Back at Team Ozzie, everyone agrees that Chet should go home tonight. Everyone. Ozzie, Joel, Erik, Amanda, Chet. Even the chickens agree. Everyone but Tracy. And Cirie. And those two, who have been behind all of the biggest power plays so far this season, conspire to get rid of Joel instead. Cirie makes the very valid point that for as big as Joel is he has yet to either a) dominate at a challenge or b) win one convincingly. Which is true. The only two wins Joel has under his belt have been team efforts, one of which involved puzzle solving (the first cart race) and accuracy shooting (the coconut net challenge). But still, I mean, Chet HAS to go, right?

Right?

Ri-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Joel refuses to apologize for almost murdering Chet in the reward challenge and the team talks about how much stronger they're going to be after tonight's vote. Then the votes are read.
Joel. Chet. Joel. Chet. Joel. Joel. Joel. Joel.

BONADUCE SLAM!

Poor Erik. He never saw it coming. And poor Chet. Now he's got to spend another three days on that island.

ELIMINATED
Fairplay(Favorites)
Mary(Fans)
Yau-man(Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)
Joel (Fans)

NEXT WEEK
If Jason plays that fake immunity idol, James is going to lose it. If Jonathon doesn't leave the game, he's going to lose his leg.

FROZEN TEARS EVERYWHERE

2008-03-04T13:21:00.003-06:00

It's official, Brett Favre, Super Bowl Champion, 3 Time MVP, Actor, has retired.

No joke, people are crying here today in Wisconsin. Women, children, grown men, across the board. It's not a shocking revelation, Favre has been hinting about retiring for about 4 years now, but it's still a sad day for Packer fans. 202 quarterbacks have opened games since Favre became the Packer's starter. He holds all sort of records, including a starting quarterback record that will probably never be touched.

One of my favorite memories of Brett Favre was a few years ago. They were playing, let's say the Raiders [Ed.-It was actually the Giants], and Favre had been hit hard the play before, but stayed in the game, as was usual for him. Dropping back into the pocket, he heaved a bomb [Ed.-It was 28 yards] down the sidelines for an incredible touchdown[Ed.- It was pretty incredible]. He then staggered off the field and the next day it was revealed he'd had a concussion at the time of the pass and didn't even remember throwing the ball.

I don't care who you are, that's pretty darn tough.

That, and his willingness to talk trash to 300 pound linebackers that were paid specifically to slam him into the ground.

*sniff*
Oh, say it isn't so vaguely red haired Brett Favre Bobble Head!

At least we'll always have Mastercard.

SURVIVOR

2008-02-29T12:08:00.003-06:00

This week on... SURVIVOR
(Amity loves them SPOILERS!)

Fans:
Alexis
Chet
Erik
Jason
Joel
Kathleen
Mary gone
Mikey B
Natalie
Tracy

Favorites:
Amanda(China)
Ami(Vanuatu)
Cirie(Panama)
Eliza(Vanuatu)
James(China)
Jonathan(Cook Island)
Johnny Fairplay(Pearl Island) gone
Ozzie(Cook Island)
Parvati(Cook Island)
Yau-Man(Fiji) gone

Uh-oh, Jonathon and Cirie aren't getting along after Cirie got rid of Yau-man last week. They bicker like children, and that's about all you get from that.

Meanwhile, on the Fan camp, their crappy life continues to be crappy, the toll of which is really wearing down Chet, who spends most of the day alternating between sitting in the water and laying in the shade. Mikey B and Jason are especially irked by this and plot to kick him out for being the weakest member of the team.

Speaking of weak members, we cut back to the Favorite's camp where Eliza is doing her best not to die from illness. Does the rest of the tribe care? Noooooot so much. They're more upset that they let Cirie talk them into getting rid of Yau-man when they all wanted to get rid of Eliza. Really, they should have just gotten rid of Eliza then, and just not told Cirie. She was going to vote for Yau-man anyway, worse case scenario Eliza ends up tied with Parvati. But if you get rid of Eliza, what's Cirie going to do? It's now a 4 on 4 vote any way and all of her bargaining power is gone. But I digress. Eliza is sick and tired and she's especially of James and Ozzie standing right next to her discussing how they should have sent her home. Boy, I hate to break up the Like-Fest, but it's prime time for-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Another swimming challenge, because Ozzie isn't dominate enough already. Four members swim out to a raft, then one at a time swim down to a 30 foot long cage and push lettered coconuts out of the cage and into a tub. Once all 10 coconuts are gathered the team swims them to the beach where the other 4 spell out the one word answer. Winner gets Chicken!

Oh, sorry, chickens.

The Fans get off to an early start as Ozzie is spending way too much time underwater. Why? Because instead of moving one coconut, he's moving four or five coconuts to the front of the cage. It puts them in a 2-0 hole at first, but then all four of the Favorites are able to snag coconuts with a minimal effort, putting them ahead 4-2. Ozzie pulls the same trick his second time in the water and the Favorites get all 10 in the bucket first. Taking the coconuts, James, Eliza, Cirie and Amanda try to figure the word when James goes "Could 'Triumphant' be a word?" Well sure enough it IS a word. Not only that, it's THE word, and the Favorites are now 3-2 in challenges. In a move I just don't get, the Favorites send Kathy to Exile again and send Ozzie with her.

Why Kathy? I don't know. Maybe they think she'll help with clues. My pick would have been Mikey B or Joel, because not only do you have the chance to weaken one of their strong people with a night out in the elements, but you also leave them out of the loop for a day of plotting back at camp. Trust me, no one is plotting with Kathy.

At Exile Kathy fawns over Ozzie and how awesome all of the Favorites have been so far before Ozzie offers to go get them some food. While Kathy works on a pretty miserable fire, Ozzie secretly goes looking for the Immunity Idol. Remember when Cirie and Kathy had found all four clues but didn't want to climb up the hill to look around any trees? Well, guess what? THAT's where the Immunity Idol is hidden. Ozzie's head almost explodes he's so happy, before he shoves it under his giant hat (Note: If you go on Survivor, wear a giant hat) and slips it into his bag while Kathy's back is turned.

Still promising to get food, Ozzie takes a trick out of Yau-man's playbook (RIP Yau-man!) and crafts a crude Faux Idol. Wrapping it back in the original cloth and burying it under the original rock, Ozzie hopes that someone will be fooled by it. But seriously, who would be fooled by a fake idol????

Kind of funny that Cirie was so worried about Yau-man finding it in one try and the very next week Ozzie finds it in one try. If people thought he was trouble before, look out, that Shark just figured out how to use a machine gun.

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
6 of the players are locked in a sliding harness and have to navigate a maze picking up block necklaces as they go. At then end of the course the two remaining players have to use the block necklaces to decode a letter puzzle. A lot of spelling this week. The Fans hit a major stumbling block when Jason can't get his lock open and by the time he passes the ring of keys on to the next person the Favorites are already unlocked. After that it's all academic and the Favorites cruise to an easy win. The closest it was was when the Fans almost crushed Eliza and Cirie while trying to navigate the course.

Back at camp Mikey and Joel have a talk in the woods. ...I'm sorry, this just dawned on me now, there is no other Mikey on the show. There's not a Mike or a Michael or even a Michelle, so why do they call him Mikey B? Do you think that's what he told them to call him? Wow. Between that and the Ticket tattoo ("I go to a lot of games"), he's a complete dill hole. Well, Dill Hole B wants to get rid of Chet. Joel wants to get rid of Kathy. Dill Hole B asks Joel to help him get rid of Chet as a sign of good faith. That makes sense, right? Right.

Enter Tracy. Tracy has a plan to save Chet because he's one of her votes. If she loses him and Kathy then she's screwed. So she asks Joel who they're planning to get rid of and he says Chet. Tracy then uses the Jedi Mind Trick on Joel to convince him that if he doesn't get rid of Mikey B this week then Mikey B will get rid of him instead. It was like watching Luke Skywalker talk his way past Bib Fortuna at Jabba's palace in Return Of The Jedi. But is Joel a weak minded fool? I guess we'll see at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Probst questions the group on what they need to do to get better. Mikey B points out that they need to cut weak players like Chet. Tracy makes a very good point that neither Chet, Kathy nor herself were even in the Immunity Challenge (Kathy was sat out, Chet and Tracy were back at the puzzle waiting for their team to never get there) so it's not their fault they lost. Erik starts to look nervous and just before Jeff sends them to vote he makes a comment that freaks Jason out so much he actually stops Probst so he can STRONGLY remind everyone that they need to vote out the weak players.

The votes are read and it's a back and forth between Mikey B and Chet when suddenly Mikey B gets a fourth vote. And that means Joel swung. And that means he found a fifth to swing and just like that Rhyno and Big Bird are suckered into sending Mikey B back to Bahston.

BONADUCE SLAM!

ELIMINATED
Fairplay(Favorites)
Mary(Fans)
Yau-man(Favorites)
Mikey B (Fans)

NEXT WEEK
Despite Swapping Teams, Chet still stinks at challenges!

NEEEEERRRRDS!!!

2008-02-28T21:56:00.002-06:00

That gut churning feeling you're having, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced? As if something terrible has happened? Well, it has.

THIS:

See? It's funny cause Storm is electrocuting Professor Xavier's genitals. Oh, and imagine if Wolverine put things on his claws. I'll give you a hint what happens. HILARITY ENSUES!!
Plus, it's got both Pamela Anderson AND Leslie Nelson! And Leslie apparently feels strongly enough that "With Great Power Comes Great Bitches" that he had it painted on his sweater vest. Oh, manohmanohman. And let's not forget Dragonfly guy... who also has the power of stretchy limbs. Just like ALL Dragonflies! And look, he's using it to put the moves on Pamela Anderson. Boy, those Dragonflies don't miss a beat, do they?

Boy, I feel like I should be paying THEM for this entertainment. Oh wait, I would be! Oh gee! March 28th can't get here FAST enough.

SURVIVOR

2008-02-22T13:48:00.003-06:00

This week on... SURVIVOR
(Spoilers. In case you wondered)

Fans:
Alexis
Chet
Erik
Jason
Joel
Kathleen
Mary gone
Mikey B
Natalie
Tracy

Favorites:
Amanda(China)
Ami(Vanuatu)
Cirie(Panama)
Eliza(Vanuatu)
James(China)
Jonathan(Cook Island)
Johnny Fairplay(Pearl Island) gone
Ozzie(Cook Island)
Parvati(Cook Island)
Yau-Man(Fiji)

We open with Mikey B and Joel debating the merits of Joel getting Mary kicked off last week. In the end they agree to disagree and hug it out. Nah, I'm kidding, they both talk about picking the other off as soon as possible.

Over at the Favorite's beach the Couples of Amanda/Ozzie and Parvati/James invite Eliza down to the beach for a swinging sex party. Kidding again, it's a boring old campfire, but instead of singing "Michael, Row The Boat Ashore" they pump Eliza for information about her alliance with Yau-man, Jonathon, Ami and Cirie. Cirie is really in the driver's seat as the swing vote both groups need, and she's loving every minute of it.

Back at Fan beach the Fans are psyched, PSYCHED I TELLS YA, to find out the next reward challenge will be a physical confrontation with the Favorites. "Just like we've been waiting for," says Alexis. ...Waiting for? You've been on the island 6 days. Each team is given a catalogue of goods to improve life around camp, the winning team gets their three items, the losers get, well, some sand to pound. Oh, they also get war paint to decorate themselves and whooo nanny, did they do a great job. At the-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
It looks like

vs

Each team has three bags. You have to get your three bags and two of the other team's bags across this lagoon and into your end zone all at the same time. Full contact is allowed. On cue, it starts to rain, making things even more slippery. Honestly, I think it is on cue. I think there's a guy with a hose standing just off camera spraying water into the air to make these things more difficult.

The next five minutes are just a battle as everyone is wailing on everyone. The surprise tough guys are Jonathon who is stealing bags and throwing hits, and Erik who not only cranks Amanda in the head with a bag, he then backflips her into the lagoon. In the end the Favorites are just too tough and they crawl away the winners, taking their shelter, lantern and survival gear with them. Kathy is again sent to Exile Island, this time with Ami.

Back at camp the Favorites reflect on how awesome they are while Cirie frets about what she's going to do and how she's not being courted enough by either team. She ever suggests they could be carrying her around in a chariot. ... I think someone has a concussion. And suddenly Amanda, Parvati and Cirie are out in the water scheming to be the final three. Which, really, IS genius, cause none of those three stand any chance against anyone else, except maybe Eliza who is apparently disliked across the board.

Nothing happens at Exile Island because the idol search is cut short by one mother of a rain storm. The Fans all huddle in their crummy little shelter getting soaked while the Favorites lay warm and dry in their cave, wrapped in the tarp they just won that afternoon. I think they all laugh themselves to sleep before Yau-man wakes in the morning to make them omelets and crepes. I'm kidding again, everyone makes their own omelets.

The Fans wake the next morning looking like accident survivors. Maybe, if they were smart, they'd take the time to build a new shelter before the next monsoon. Instead they all sit around in shell shock worrying about-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Four players will suspend a cargo net in the air. The other players will take turns trying to throw coconuts into the opposing team's net. First team that can't hold up the net any more loses. Neither team gets off to a good start, putting up more bricks than Bob the Builder. Then Jason aka Hoosier and Alexis, the second coming of Rebecca Lobo, start draining 'nuts for the Fans. It isn't until Yau-man (natch) drains one that the Favorites start coming back. Jonathon spends the entire time talking trash including to Kathy "Show us how it's done in Wisconsin" and to Chet "He's at the pageant... he lines it up... ooooops!" In the end though Jonathon's words can't rattle the Fan's aim and the Favorite's lose another Immunity Challenge.

And that's when the SCRAMBLING starts.

Cirie wants to get rid of Yau-man. Ozzie wants to get rid of Eliza. Jonathon wants to get rid of Parvati. James wants to know why everyone's acting like "dumbasses". No one likes that Cirie is suddenly in control of everything, but no one has the idea of just chopping her out. There, problem solved. Instead we have to watch everyone begging Cirie to vote with them. This is a woman who was afraid of LEAVES last time she was on. Jonathon tries to talk her into going with them, but she won't hear it. So then Jonathon hopes to use the split on the Yau-man/Eliza vote to submarine Parvati with only four votes. Let's see if it works at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Probst talks to Jonathon. Probst talks to Cirie. Jonathon talks to Cirie. Cirie talks to Jonathon. Everyone is uncomfortable. They go off to vote, Jonathon drops 3 metaphors in 10 seconds when explaining his vote for Parvati. The votes come back..

Parvati, Yau, Yau, Parvati, Cirie... wait, what? Yau... And with that Yau-man is voted off the island. Because, as Ozzie pointed out, you should get rid of the person that's really helpful around camp and really good at challenges. *sigh*

ELIMINATED
Fairplay(Favorites)
Mary(Fans)
Yau-man(Favorites)

NEXT TIME
Cirie vs Jonathon! Joel vs Mickey B! And a mysterious rock!

PRIMARY DAY

2008-02-19T10:27:00.004-06:00

It's voting day here in Wisconsin, so just a friendly reminder to residents of the state to get out to the polls today and cast their ballot. Please remember that voting is a right that we are blessed with in this country as well as a privilege that men and women have died to earn. So "eh, it's cold out", doesn't really cut it as a reason not to vote.

McCain seems to have things all but locked up on the Republican side, despite being hated by more far-right Conservatives as well as most of the Conservative media. I wonder what Rush will do when McCain wins the nomination? He's certainly not going to champion the Democratic candidate, though if he did it'd make for the most entertaining radio he's done in years.

While Rush is having a hard time finding someone to root for, Sean Hannity is having a hard time finding things about Barack Obama that he can pick apart. As one of my co-workers stated, Hannity's having such a hard time because so far Barack's message has been one of Hope and Change. So Hannity either has to be Anti-Hope or Anti-Change. Still, if any man can figure out how to make Hope and Change bad things I'll bet on it being Sean Hannity. This is a man that I have heard respond to "I think we could have done a better job of planning the invasion of Iraq" with "So, what you're saying is that you're Pro-Rape Room?"

Michael Savage meanwhile is just mad that everyone is out to get him because they hate the Jews. Oh, and because they're all Sodomites.

MOOOOO!!

2008-02-18T11:50:00.003-06:00

I put this up mostly for my brother who lives out in California. California and Wisconsin have a bit of a friendly rivalry when it comes to dairy production. California produces more milk than Wisconsin, Wisconsin produces more quantities of higher quality cheese. California thinks that happy cows come from California, Wisconsin thinks California can fall into the ocean any time now. I'm kidding of course, no one wants that. Where would they play the Rose Bowl?

So it is with great glee that I came across the story that the United State is currently in the midst of it's biggest Beef Recall EVER because a California packing plant, Hallmark/Westland, failed to meet USDA inspection standards. 143 million pounds, many that were headed for school lunch programs, have all been recalled as health risks.

Happy Cows come from California?

More like Biohazard cows.

Take that California!

Now if you'll excuse me, we got another 7 inches of snow yesterday and I have to go shovel out my driveway before the temp hits -4 on Tuesday.

SURVIVOR

2008-02-15T09:00:00.003-06:00

SCHPOOOOOOOOILERS!!!

Fans:
Alexis
Chet
Erik
Jason
Joel
Kathleen
Mary
Mikey B
Natalie
Tracy

Favorites:
Amanda(China)
Ami(Vanuatu)
Cirie(Panama)
Eliza(Vanuatu)
James(China)
Jonathan(Cook Island)
Johnny Fairplay(Pearl Island)gone
Ozzie(Cook Island)
Parvati(Cook Island)
Yau-Man(Fiji)

We open with the Favorites returning to camp short Johnny Fairplay. In reality, this was the smartest move they could make. No one liked Fairplay, he wasn't going to make it to the end, and it was smart to cut him now rather then fall upon themselves and get rid of Parvati or Eliza.

Speaking of fall upon themselves, it seems that Parvati and James and Ozzie and Amanda can't wait to fall all over each other. Ozzie tries to put some brains to it, realizing that if he and Amanda are too Schmoopy one of them is going to get the boot and soon. But brains aren't really Ozzie's strong suit, if they were, Yul wouldn't have won the million that season, and he and Amanda are soon making out in the shelter at night. It gets so bad Cirie and Jonathan go sleep on the raft rather than take the chance they'll get rolled on.

At Fan camp it still looks like a disaster area. Their shelter sucks, their lack of food sucks, and their fire making skills suck. How hard? "We've used up half our flint and still don't have a fire." How you do you use up half a ROCK?? A real split is forming between the 7 younger people and the 3 older Survivors (Chet, Kathy and Tracy), so much so that people aren't allowing each other sleep under rocks. Yes, that's right people, no matter how bad your life gets just know that you will never have to face the humiliation of being told by a 20 year old that no, you can't sleep under their rock outcropping in a pile of sand and bugs. Things eventually come together, a lil' bit, as they finally get a fire going and build two separate shelters. Boy, I hope they've still got some juice in the tank for...

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
What's that Probst? This challenge involves swimming? Well, I think we can guess who's going to win. And his name rhymes with Fozzieisanincredibleswimmer. Run across some lily-pad floats, swim a bit, climb a ladder, knock those clay blocks with keys attached loose with a hammer, use the keys to unlock a chest, assemble a map out of the puzzle pieces in the chest. Not only do you win immunity, but you also win... Fishing Gear! The Favorites all roll their eyes as Ozzie has literally been CATCHING FISH WITH HIS BARE HANDS. How he got those hands off a bear, I'll never know. Also, winner gets to send one member of the other team to Exile Island.

Before Probst finishes saying "go" Ozzie is already back on land with the first key. Chet, going third for the fans can't find his key in the water and can't get enough air in his lungs to go back under and look. Eventually his team calls him back in frustration, but it's too late and the Favorites lead is too big. James ignores the keys and rips the chains off the chest with his bare hands and then Yau-Man throws all of the puzzle pieces in the air, claps his hands twice and they fall into the correct spots. "The hardest part," said Yau-Man, "was figuring out how many times to clap my hands."

The Favorites decide to send Kathy to Exile Island, but remember when I said there was a twist last week? The winning team also sends one of their OWN members to Exile island. Two exiles, one immunity idol. Cirie elects to go, which is both good and bad. Yau-man is probably better at solving clues and we all know James doesn't use immunity idols (even when he should) so they would make better candidates in my opinion.

Cirie and Kathy get to the island and Cirie starts marching them all over God's kingdom looking for the immunity idol. It's amusing to watch as the clues keep sending them back and forth across the lagoon. I have to give Cirie a lot of credit, this is a woman who was afraid of leaves when she first played Survivor. In the end, their search is fruitless, but Kathy still has that immunity idol from before, so she's safe tonight. But what about Chet and Tracy?

Back at camp Mikey B (who, by the by, is the best example of Terrible Tattoos EVER. The guy has a ticket stub tattooed down his spine! Why? "I go to a lot of games") is plotting out just that scenario. "Okay, if she gives Chet the immunity idol, the girls will all vote for Tracy and she's gone. If she gives Tracy the immunity idol all the guys will vote for Chet and he's gone. When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars..." But there's another twist in the works! Joel, who looks like pro-wrestler Rhyno, thinks now would be a good time to get rid of Mikey's lady friend Mary, before they start to gather too much power. So he quickly brings in Chet and Tracy and a few others. Then comes Kathy.

"Who are we voting-"
"Mary."
"Who?"
"Mary."
"I don't... uh, is there a Mary on the-"
"Just. Write. Down. Mary."
(The Badger State, Ladies and Gentlemen!)

So with another double-cross in the works, we go to-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Nothing of any real importance comes out in council, so they get to the voting. Mikey looks happy at first, Tracy, Chet, Chet, Mary, Tracy... Mary? Mary?? MARY!?!

Mary, Mary, where you going to?
Oh, that's right. Home.

You can barely hear Probst read off the deciding vote for Mary over the sound of Mikey's jaw hitting the floor. Probst gives them a little smirk about blind siding and trust and sends them on their way.

ELIMINATED
Johnny Fairplay (Favorites)
Mary (Fans)

NEXT TIME
Action, Adventure, Face Paint!

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

2008-02-15T08:56:00.002-06:00

Checking my Yahoo mail today, I saw this news story headline off to the side:
"Huge Meat-Eating Dinosaurs Found in Africa".

HOLY CRAP!!! Run! Run for you lives little Africans! Even Angelina and Madonna can't save you now!! RUN! Meat-Eating Dinosaurs are-

What? Oh. Ohhhhhh, fossils. That... I guess that WOULD make more sense.

Guess I'll, uh, send that check to Nothing But Nets after all. ...

...

...

...

nuts.

SURVIVOR 2-7-08

2008-02-07T19:08:00.000-06:00

On us faster than you would think, it's SURVIVOR time.

This season it's fans versus favorites.

Fans:
Alexis
Chet
Erik
Jason
Joel
Kathleen
Mary
Mikey B
Natalie
Tracy

Favorites:
Amanda(China)
Ami(Vanuatu)
Cirie(Panama)
Eliza(Vanuatu)
James(China)
Jonathan(Cook Island)
Johnny Fairplay(Pearl Island)
Ozzie(Cook Island)
Parvati(Cook Island)
Yau-Man(Fiji)

We meet the Fans en masse in the middle of a rainstorm. I think it's just so Probst can show off his rain-slicked good looks. He then trots out the "Favorites". Ozzie, Yau-Man and James get the biggest reactions, which has got to make central casting feel super about their choice of casting for the other 6. Oh, and last but not least they trot out Johnny "Ric Flair Gets Royalty Checks For This Character" Fairplay. Probst starts jibing him, which may be the only reason that they brought him in. Probst sends them racing across the bay where their boats and two immunity idols are waiting. The idols are only good for the first Immunity Council though. Johnny Freakin' Fairplay finds it first, only to realize he grabbed the other team's. Yau-Man then DDTs him into the boat and grabs the idol for himself. Kathy gets the idol for the Fans. Which is good, cause she's kind of awkward. More on that in a moment.

At the Fan camp Mikey B refers to his own team as Big Bird(Erik), Southern Princess(Alexis), John Bon Jovi in his prime(Jason), The Incredible Hulk(Joel) and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy(Chet).

Kathy, the golf cart driver who is originally from Wisconsin (thanks Kathy), first questions Chet on was ist das "homosexual" and then also comments that she's never seen big boobs before. The Badger State, ladies and gentlemen!

At the Favorite Camp they quickly zip together a shelter and food, as they've all been out here before. Parvati starts doing what Parvati does best, flirt with James. James, never that dumb, realizes she's "one of those sex kitten types", he also realizes that, hey, that's not a bad thing.

Last season James had a thing for:

This season it's:

I'm not saying he's trading up... I'm just saying.

While Parvati and James flirt and Ozzie and Amanda flirt, Yau Man, Jonathon, Ami and Eliza form an alliance. Good thing too, cause Parvati, Ozzie and Fairplay are already plotting to kick Eliza home. We haven't even had an immunity challenge yet... we haven't even had a reward challenge yet and everyone's pulling knives. Fairplay, being Fairplay has already pledged allegiance to both sides and then says "You've got 9 of the biggest favorites of Survivor and you think you can trust Johnny Fairplay? Have you never watched the show before?"

The favorites continue to dominate at home, having a shelter, fire, and sea food every day. Meanwhile, the fans (who are all "allegedly" students of this game) are muttering "I'd eat rat guts right now". Well there's no guts that need to be eaten, but there is...

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Puzzle wheels, pull cart, obstacle course, plank digging, turnstile puzzle.

The favorites, Johnny especially, take an opportunity to rub in how well they're living at camp. Once the challenge starts, however, the fans quickly get a lead, putting together their wheels first and zipping through the obstacle course before the favorites even get going. The favorites finally get everything together, only to wipe out at the obstacle course by trying to go right through it. Eliza almost loses an eye. They start to tie up at the planks but the fans beat them up and over the bridge and get to the turnstile. And in the end all the favorites can do is watch the fans Walk All Over Them.

Back at Favorite camp, Cerie realizes she could go, and Fairplay comments on how he is alligned with both factions right now. Fairplay talks about how his girlfriend is 7 months pregnant for about the third time this hour. Then he starts crying becase he's worried that she might not be okay. It's gotta be fake. Remember, this man faked his own grandmother's death. He and Parvati cook up a scheme where he asks everyone to vote him off so that the Ozzie/James/Parvati/Amanda faction can vote off Eliza. How will it all swing? I guess we'll find out at...

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Hah. Probst gives the Favorites the "Fire is Life" speech, I don't even know if he hears himself when he says it anymore. Fairplay drops another "baby on the way" line, it's too blatent for it not to be a work. Wow... Probst and Fairplay do NOT get along.

Probst smells a rat, but there's nothing he can do, cause now it's time to vote.
Fairplay, Fairplay, Fairplay, Fairplay, Fairplay, .... HOLY CRAP!! FARIPLAY GOT DOUBLE SCREWED!! Probst can barely contain his joy as he sends Johnny home. I've never seen him use his own urine to extinguish a player's torch before.

DEJA VU!!

ELIMINATED:
Johnny Fairplay (Favorites)

NEXT TIME:
The Fans start to bicker, Exile Island has a twist, and Ozzie bones Amanda??

HUCKA-YOU, HUCKA-ME, SAY IT TOGETHER, HUCKABEE

2008-02-07T14:34:00.000-06:00

God bless Governor Huckabee.

Not with, you know, the Presidency or anything. The absolute last thing we need as a country is someone in charge who, living in the 21st Century, does Not Believe In Evolution.

I don't care what your religious beliefs are, that's just dumb. That's like saying you don't believe in the sky because you can't touch it. That's like saying you don't believe in electricity because it's never mentioned by Jesus. That's like saying Bo Bice and Joan Osborn's version of "Baby It's Cold Outside" isn't an abomination to humanity.

But may the God That Is bless Huckabee none the less, because it is Mike Huckabee that has brought us some of the best television EVER.

I am, of course, referring to the Stephen Colbert vs Conan O'Brien "Who Made Huckabee" debate. Perhaps the most heated debate in American history since Lincoln vs. Douglas, this debate has slowly been building to a climactic head. And by climactic, I mean hilarious.

Here are the last two set pieces of the epic battle, they're a little long, but darn if they aren't hilarious. Enjoy.

SHE'S HOLDS IT... HOLDS IT.... HOOOOOLDS IT!!

2008-02-04T15:26:00.000-06:00

Forget the last 2 minutes of the Super Bowl. The most exciting 2 minutes was in the very beginning, before the game even started. I don't know if it says more about the entrepreneurial spirit of this country, or the depths of our gambling depravity, but I was watching the game with guys who had a bet on How Long the National Anthem would go with the over/under at 1:43.

M: We start the clock when she sings the first note.
Jordin: Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light-
R: Slow down, plenty of song left.
M: Hurry up, hurry up.
Jordin: What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? Whoooose broad stripes and bright stars, though the perilous fight-
M: Still has over a minute. No reason to milk those lines though.
R: Stretch them out. You've got to stretch them out.
Jordin: O'er the raaaaaaamparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming? And the rockets red glaaaaaare-
M: Hurry up.
Jordin: The bombs buuursting in aaaaaaiiirrr-
M: She's gonna make it.
R: She's not going to make it.
Jordin: Gave prooof through the niiiight that our flag was still there-
M: She's gonna make it! Oh, she's going to make it! Hurry up!
R: She's not going to make it. She's only got 20 seconds left.
Jordin: Ooooo say, does that staaaaar spangled baaaaaaaner yet waaa-aaaaa-aaaaa-ve
M: HURRY UP!!!
R: Ten seconds!
Jordin: Oooooooo'er the land of the free-eeee-eeee
M: SING DARN YOU, SING!!!
Jordin: And the hoooooome oooooooof theeeeeee-
R: Time!
Jordin: Braaaaaaaave!
M: *multiple profanities directed at Ms. Sparks, American Idol, and Francis Scott Key*
R: *money counting sounds*

Poor clock management. It'll get you every time.

RUMBLE AT CHUCK E. CHEESE

2008-01-29T14:15:00.000-06:00

"Krrrrk! Car 14 reporting in."

Frank, let's not kid ourselves, we only have two cars.

"Krrrk! I know, and I want to be Car 14."

"Krrrk! Then we get to be Car 57."

"Krrrk! You can be Car Your Mom."

"Krrrk! Your mom!"

"Krrrk!"

Officers! Frank, Dave! C'mon now guys, we're the cops, we can't be behaving like this. What's the situation Frank.

"Krrrk! Car 14."

Car 14.

"Krrk! We're at the Chuck E. Cheese, we've got a bit of a disturbance between three teenage girls."

"Krrk! Heh-heh-heh."

Knock it off Dave. Copy that. Go on in, break it up. Then get back to work, no sticking around for the Animatronic show.

"Krrk! But it's 8:53. The show starts in 7 minutes."

"Krrk! Your mom starts in 7-"

Dave! Knock it off!

"Krrrk! Copy that."

"Krrrk!! Car 14 reporting! Car 14!"

Go ahead Frank.

"Krrk! We've got outright pandemonium here at the Chuck E. Cheese!!"

*sigh* You didn't shoot one of the skee ball machines again, did you?

"Krrk! Worse! We've got 80 people in here and they're all throwing 'bows!"

"Krrk! Like, toy bows?"

"Krrrk! Like EL-bows."

"Krrrk! Why wouldn't you just say-"

"Krrrk! Because I happen to enjoy hip-hop music and thought you'd get a modern cultural reference."

Did you say 80 people? At the Chuck E. Cheese?

"Krrk! Affirmative. There must have been at least 50 of them hiding in the ball pit. We're going to need more back up than just the paramedics."

"Krrrk! Paul's there? Tell him still owes me $15 from Monday night."

"Krrrk! Paul, Dave says you owe him $15. From Monday. He says he hasn't had time to get to an ATM yet. And we Still Need Back up!"

All right, just hold tight Frank. All cars, report to the Chuck E. Cheese, a massive disturbance at the Chuck E. Cheese.

"Krrrk! This is Car 57. I am the only other unit, on my way."

"Krrrk! We're going to need more than just Dave."

"Krrrk! That's not what your mom said last night."

"Krrrk! Will you SHUT UP about my mom? I swear I am going to pepper spray you in the mouth when you get here."

"Krrk! I'd like to see you try."

Car 14, the use of Pepper Spray has been advised.

"Krrk! What?? Captain!"

On the brawlers, Dave. Not on you.

"Krrk! Copy that. Using Pepper Sp- THEY ARE FREAKING OUT! I REPEAT THEY ARE FREAKING OUT!"

Say again Frank.

"Krrk! Car 14."

Car 14.

"Krrk! The Pepper Spray has only made them angry! 80 enraged teens all blindly flailing their arms and legs! Tell my wife I love her!"

"Krrk! You hang on Frank, you hear me? You HANG ON! I'm coming buddy!"

"Krrk! Car 14!"

Officers from Burton, Swartz Creek and the townships of Mundy, Clayton and Flint are all requested to provide back-up. Repeat, Burton, Swartz Creek, Mundy, Clayton and Flint.

"Krrk! This is Burton and Clayton over in Flint. Copy that."

"Krrk! This is Flint in Mundy. On my way."

"Krrk! This is Mundy in Clayton. Be there in a minute."

"Krrk! This is Swartz Creek in Swartz Creek. No can do. I've got a duck crossing situation that needs to be heavily monitored. The line goes back, six, maybe seven ducklings."

WELLLLLLL....

2008-01-21T11:58:00.000-06:00

Nuts.

Football's funny like that. When you can't move the ball on offense, and you can't stop the other team on defense, and you can't score more points than them, 7 out of 10 times you're going to lose. After all, a guy can only blow so many field goal kicks.

So it's Giants vs The Christ Punchers at the Super Bowl in two weeks and things are kind of blue here in Wisconsin.

It COULD be worse, however. The Packers still managed to go 14-4 and made it to the NFC Championship game, which is better than any other team not named "The New York Giants" did. So we've got that going for us.

You know who I feel really bad for though? Hitler. Poor, poor Hitler.
(warning subtitles are NSFW)

SUNDAY, GREEN AND GOLD SUNDAY

2008-01-18T15:38:00.000-06:00

RUN!! HE'LL KILL US ALL!!!

*Ahem* Sorry about that.

The Packers play on Sunday against the New York Giants, the winner gets to go The Super Bowl to face, most likely, The Christ Punchers aka The New England Patriots.

I hope the Packers win. Why?

Wisconsin takes the Packers seriously enough as is. We have moved CHRISTMAS EVE and CHRISTMAS DAY services to better accommodate game times. But the play-offs? Forget about it. We just had city hall jammed up with a 15 minute pep-rally. The streets were packed, despite it being -2 degrees Fahrenheit outside with the windchill. Pffft, -2? That's balmy, right guys? After all, kick off temps are supposed to be around -20 or so with the wind. And even that's not so bad. Really, after -5 you can't tell the difference. Because your skin has frozen.

But Matt, you say, my team's fan base is pretty intense too.
Really? Unless by team you mean "Bo Bice" I'd tend to argue with you.

Green Bay just CANCELLED "Seinfeld" re-runs for Saturday night because Eli Manning likes watching the show. Just taking it right off the 10 p.m. broadcast. This despite the fact that a) Eli Manning is in all likelihood in bed by 10 p.m. the night before a game b) that even if the local channel cancels "Seinfeld" he might still be able to find it on TBS or WGN and c) that every episode of "Seinfeld" ever is currently available for purchase on DVD, which Eli (who earns a base salary of $5.5 million) probably already owns. So why then? Because Eli Manning is the Giants' quarterback and we're playing the Giants and maybe, just maybe, it'll screw with his head enough to give us the edge.

And when I say "us" I realize that I am not on the team. But you have to support the Packers in Wisconsin. No, seriously, or this guy will get you. He tied up his own son and forced a jersey on him after the kid, who is 7, refused to wear a Packer jersey last Saturday.

So when I say I hope the Packers win on Sunday it is not because I am a huge Packer fan, or even a huge pro football fan. It is simply because I enjoy living, and do not wish to see this town implode around me Sunday at 8:45 p.m. CST.

At least the overturned car fires will keep us warm.

A LIFE LESSON IN PICTURES

2008-01-15T16:13:00.000-06:00

Last night I was at a bar.

No, I'm sorry, a drinking establishment.

(We'll just pretend it was this nice)

One of our friends discovered that Budweiser now makes a beer PRE-MIXED with Clamato. It looks like this:
(In case you were worried about getting fat, there's also the Bud Light option)

Clamato, for those of you who don't know, is a mixture of

AND

Yum, right? Well we figured it would be like drinking a "Poor Man's Bloody Mary" and seeing as we'd already had enough to drink that this sounded like a good idea, we ordered a can and split it 5 ways.

That was the ONLY smart thing we did, as none of us could have stood an entire can of this concoction.

In our glasses it looked like this:

It smelled like this:

And it tasted like:

AND

Twenty hours, two teeth brushings, breakfast, morning coffee, and a lunch later and I can still taste it in the back of my mouth.

All I can say is:

B-DOUBLE E-DOUBLE R-U-N

2008-01-11T15:56:00.000-06:00

The Smoking Gun reported a story about a woman arrested for driving drunk in Oregon. She was found "unconscious in her car" which was "running and in a snow bank...at 11:30 AM on December 28." The ironic stopping point? Mere feet from a "Don't Drink And Drive" sign.

They had to break the window to get her out, and she was hospitalized for a day before being released. Blood work done on her revealed a blood alcohol level of....

Drum Roll Please

0.72!

How high is that? So high The University of Oklahoma's Police Department's website doesn't even chart it!! It stops at .51, and that's if she was 100 pounds, and had had 10 drinks in less than an hour. And I should point out that anything over .4 is potentially fatal. This woman drank her way to Death's door, then kicked her way in and asked where the liquor cabinet was.

Wisconsin, I think we've found our Patron Saint.

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG

2008-01-05T23:55:00.001-06:00

I was just on Myspace, clearing out the spam-bot friend requests and I had one new e-mail in my inbox. Curious, I decided to check it out.

The subject line "I am an attractive horny girl looking for some fun."

Fair enough. As a blogger, I get those sort of messages all the time.

The picture is what really sold me.

*sigh* They just don't make attractive horny girls like they used to.

WHEN I GROW UP TO BE A MAN

2008-01-02T15:09:00.000-06:00

I've always hoped that I'll grow to be an old man. I don't know if that'll actually happen, with my record of terrible driving, my family's health history and my own fictionally high sodium levels, but if it does, I have some thoughts of the kind of old man I want to be.

I want to work some minimum wage job and just not give a rip about it. I want to wear suits all the time, so that I always look dapper. I want to just randomly curse. On days when I don't have to work I'll sit out on my yard in a lawn chair. For no reason. Just because I can.

But what I want to do most is fight off three intruders in my home and shoot one of them all while HAVING A HEART ATTACK. Because then I would be Harold Crown. Who is from, I kid you not, Niceville.

That is one old man who's yard you get off of when he tells you to.

BABY IT'S POORLY COVERED OUTSIDE

2007-12-23T21:55:00.000-06:00

One of the local radio stations made the change over to Christmas Music the first Monday in November. Since there are only about a dozen or so Christmas songs (and Nooooo Dan Fogelburg's "Same Auld Lang Syne" does NOT count, no matter how many times you play it) you hear the same songs over and over by various artists.

I personally think the song that suffers the worst beating at the hands of different artists is "Baby It's Cold Outside". So please, all future generations of musicians, consider this song off limits.

Some of the worst offenders include:
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey
Ray Charles and Betty Carter
Tom Jones and Cerys Matthews
John Lithgow and Bebe Neuwirth (which is apparently so bad even YouTube doesn't have it)
And THIS Abomination, that American Idol can be blamed half for.

I swear, if God was one of us, God'd punch Bo Bice square in the throat.

What makes the song bad? A combination of things. Too slow, poor female singers, poor male singers, bad pairings of good singers and worst of all, forgetting this is a song that's supposed to be performed by Person A who is trying their best to knock boots with Person B, who is doing their best to at least pretend like they wouldn't like their boots knocked.

You know, like the original, from Neptune's Daughter.

THAT's how you do it.

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!

OH. HELL. YES.

2007-12-18T11:49:00.000-06:00

ALMOST NOTHING SACRED

2007-12-17T14:40:00.000-06:00

I do improv comedy. Sometimes that involves traveling to do a show for a group. It's always a little nerve wracking. We're doing a show outside of our club, we don't know what sort of crowd we'll be performing in front of, we don't even know how many of them know what our group is.

Last weekend I did a traveling show for a company's holiday party. We normally try, where ever we go, to do a family friendly show. Don't worry about that they said. We don't really WORRY about it, we said. It's just something we do.

Hogwash, they said. You should see our office. We swear, we're crude, we sexually harass! Our bosses get drunk! You should be "balls to the walls" for this show.

That was repeated to us by not one, not two, but three people. Be "balls to the walls".

So we started our show. They were yelling out sexual things, vulgarities, laughing at themselves and at each other. One of our players finally dropped a well timed f-bomb and they loved it. Nothing was off limits. We were allowed to go "balls to the walls".

And then I made fun of Brett Favre.

And suddenly, they didn't like our balls against their walls so much anymore.

SURVIVOR:CHINA FINALE

2007-12-16T19:08:00.000-06:00

This is being written as the show happens, so if it's a little more stream of consciousness than normal, forgiveness please.
(So fresh, so hot, so full of SPOILERS)

Our Final Four are:
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Todd

We start with a five minute recap of how we got this far. And then it's straight into commercials.

During the break I hear the word "Frosty" and thought he was getting a spin off show. Turns out it's the non-Asian snowman.

Everyone returns to camp congratulating themselves on how far they've made it, but it's not over yet. Also, everyone's hungry. Which is odd, I don't remember anyone eating through all of their food since Australia. Especially with the amount of fish they were catching. Hmmm...

Does Denise have a gingerbread man tattooed on her arm?

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Wow. That came quick. Slow down Probst, we still have 105 minutes.
You have to haul blocks back and forth and then fill in a wall. Winner gets pizza, beer, soda and brownies. Amanda actually starts tearing up. The Fat Boy that lives inside of Todd almost bursts through his stomach. Wait... serving of one... that's an X-large pizza Probst.

The Fat Boy drives Todd at a frenzied pace to the bridge they have to assemble and for his puzzle blocks. ... not that I'm complaining, but why does Amanda even wear shorts to the challenges? They don't do the censors any good. Todd and Amanda stall on the wall building portion and Courtney is suddenly a lot more in the game than I thought she'd be.

In the end Pixilation wins out and Amanada walks away with it. She gives a real insincere "you guys did good too" as she walks away to eat.

Uh-oh, a TWIST! She can have all the food. Or she can share with one person. Or TWO. But someone one is certainly not getting fed. In the end she chooses only Todd.

So they go off and have an awesome time. Well, I mean awesome except for when Todd tells each girl a different "it's you and me until the end" story. Other than that, it was a rock n' roll show. But into every awesome time a little buzz kill must fall. So it's time for the "Good-bye to Other Players" moment or, as we like to call it at our viewings, "Oh, They Were On This Season?" Slowly they make their way along the trail lighting firecrackers as they go. At the summit?

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Final Immunity challenge? Huh. Looks like it'll be 3 "Final Survivors" again this season. Man, I wish they'd bring back James to bury this idea. Because it stinks. One of the three never gets any votes, and always makes the final council feel a lot more watered down. But first, a commercial break!

Seriously, they expect people to pay money for the Underdog DVD? Did anyone pay to see it in the theatre?

Oh, hello "Jericho". Maybe with the Writer's Strike people will actually watch your show. ... Probably not, Poor Man's "Lost".

Back to the challenge. Stack dishes and balance them on a pole. I see an unfair advantage for Courtney and Denise who make their living stacking dishes, but we'll see.

If it had been pillows Todd might have done better, but the Lil' Flight Attendant is first to dump his plates. Courtney drops next as she evaporates into dust. Denise then tries to make a deal and Amanda immediately blows her off. Having nothing to actual bargain with, I don't know what Denise was expecting. Heck, Rob made Amber play out the final immunity challenge on "All Star" and then he asked her to Marry Him for crying out loud.

Good-bye rice bowl, good-bye Denise. And Good-Bye Denise. No way they're letting you into the final three.

"Welcome to the Captain". Could be good. Could be the last throes of a desperate, script-less network.

We return to camp to find Denise begging Amanda for a reprieve with a pretty nice sob story. At the same time, that's a million dollar sob story, and Amanda can't risk that.

Todd, Courtney and Amanda all agree to get rid of Denise, but only Courtney agrees to tell her. Todd is still scheming, Amanda doesn't want to say because she wants to be seen as a sweetheart, cause that's her thing. She even promises Denise she won't write her name down. BA-WAHHH?? Look, there's nice and then there's dumb. Denise's vote from the jury side of things isn't going to cost you a million.

So Amanda goes off to talk to Denise while Todd and Courtney worry about the chance of losing to Denise. As Courtney says, "this isn't welfare, it's not our fault she sucks at life."

"...I'm the biggest bitch on the planet, aren't I?"

Amanda pleads the pro-Denise platform to Courtney who doesn't seem too impressed. But we'll see what happens at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Biggest thing to come out of this council is Amanada, who's playing the sweetheart game, verbally smacking down Denise. "She even said she had my back." "Uh, I've said that, but I didn't say that today." Worse still for her image, Todd then calls Amanda on it.

Denise, Todd, Denise... Denise. Uhhhhhh-oh. So much for "I won't write your name down."

Bring It On: In It To Win It has the most commercial time of any straight-to-DVD film I've ever seen.

We return to camp where Amanda is crying... again. She says Todd made her look bad in front of the jury. I think her comment made her look bad in front of the jury. Todd tries to smooth things over but she's not listening. She'd rather mope it out then hug it out. The humorous thing is that Amanda acts like she never realized before now that Todd was a schemer.

Courtney thinks she might win because she's never been fake. Sure, she's a b-word, but she's been a b-word to everyone equally. As Professor Higgens would say "it's not that I treat you badly, it's if you've ever seen me treat anyone better."

Toddy thinks he might win because while he's been a schemer and stabbed some people in the back, it IS just a game. C'mon bro's, high fives, right?

Amanda just thinks she's going to cry a bunch. Maybe that will win them over. I'm starting to doubt it. We won't know until-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Which we're now at.

Amanda mentions being blessed and feels bad for kicking out James, Jean-Robert and Frosti. Curiously she doesn't mention Denise, and it was her idea to get rid of James.

Todd says "I've lived my dream" and thanks the jury. Wow. Why not sing a verse of "God Bless America" while you're at it. He plays the "small boy" card just like Amanda predicted.

Courtney makes the case that she stuck around longer than anyone thought, she DID win an immunity challenge and that she was always upfront with people so she should be credited for that. Oh, and for not dying. They need to give her credit for that too.

James goes first- he asks a nice question because, as he figures, "there might be some hard questions coming up, and I'm not going to be a Bitter Buddy."

Jean-Robert- Who should I vote for? I don't like any of you. Courtney says "look, I made it this far, vote for me." Amanda struggles for an answer. Todd does the best by saying "Look, you were really strategic and smart, I had to get rid of the smart threat." Which is just the sort of ego stroke Jean-Robert's been looking for all game. James then laughs because it's the first time he's ever seen Jean-Robert silenced.

Peih-Gee- Todd did you slide in? Todd, hells to the no. I got Amanda, I got Courtney, I picked all of you guys off after the merge, I came into the final numbers with my people still intact. SHAZAM! Amanda, why are you always sounding apologetic, what cool thing did you do? Oh, I don't know, I chopped out James, how you like me now? No question for Courtney.

Erik- Wow. He said ass. I didn't think people from Virginia did that. Amanda gives an answer he didn't like and makes her answer again. He only asks her and sounds unconvinced. I can see the votes stacking up for Todd as we speak.

Frosti- References himself in the third person. I think he's going to go with Courtney, they were Schmoopie for each other. Todd apologizes for sticking a shiv in him. But now he seems ticked that she got him kicked out. She tells the truth about no one trusting her about actually voting against Frosti. I don't know if he actually believes her. More the pity. No question for Amanda.

Jamie- Well it's time of the show when someone goes off. Jamie, who's had the longest to sit and stew comes out both barrels. Courtney doesn't do a good enough job of bad mouthing Todd, so Todd and Amanda take the opportunity to-

Bondacue Slam

Todd is the only one willing to say he deserves the money.

Denise- Wow. Unpony-tailed that's a BIG mullet. Denise takes her time to read each of them the riot act. Oh, except for Courtney. Maybe this being "the biggest bitch on the planet" could be worth $1,000,000.

My guesses?
Amanda 2 (James, Peih-Gee)
Courtney 2 (Frosti, Denise)
Todd 3 (Jean-Robert, Erik, Jamie)

They used to let you make a closing argument as well. I'm sorry they don't have that any more.

Time to vote. I get Jamie right, I get Erik wrong, I got Denise right, Jean-Robert can't work a pen. Now we get the classic Probst psych-out... wow! They're suddenly live in Hollywood. No cross-country trek, no jet ski, no chopper parachute... I'm... I'm actually a little sad.

Holy crap, someone ate Courtney! Oh, no that's her, she actually just has meat on her bones and looks normal. I think Todd is wearing lipstick.

Votes:
Courtney
Amanda
Todd
Courtney
Todd
Todd
Todd!

Your winner of Survivor: China is Todd Herzog. All of Utah celebrates. Both of them. Hold up, he's got 18 brothers and sisters, I guess he really is Mormon.

According to Probst Todd was 14 when the show came on the air (the first one that is, not this season). He studied the game and used it to his full advantage. A statement like that makes me think my friend Andy could win this game. If he wasn't, you know, allergic to everything God ever created.

I don't really watch the Survivor Reunion, but if YOU do, remember it, because this is how you win the game.

And with that, this season of Survivor is

SURVIVOR

2007-12-14T15:31:00.000-06:00

Apologies right off the bat. I never got a chance to watch last week's Survivor. Also, the CBS feed was being jaggy again, so I only skimmed the first half, but I saw the second half live, so we're good to go, trust me. And with Erik gone I have fewer virgin jokes to make anyway.

(When the shark bites, with it's teeth SPOILERS)

Hae Da Fung is:
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Erik(gone)
Frosti(gone)
James(gone)
Jamie(gone)
Jean-Robert(gone)
Peih-Gee
Todd

So, last week was family week, and I'm sorry I missed it, cause that's usual good for some tears. Denise won the challenge and pissed off Peih-Gee by not taking her. The Peih-Gee won immunity and let Erik take the ax. *sniff* You were too pure and beautiful for this world my friend.

Good morning! I find it interesting that Courtney curls up on Todd who in turn curls up on Amanda. If that's not foreshadowing, I don't know what is.

Like I said, I had to watch an abbreviated on-line version, so let's get right to the-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
It's bow and arrow time for the contestants with an added twist. They get to give arrows, secretly, to other players, increasing their supply. Who ever has their name hit the most wins the reward, a trip to the Great Wall of China!

Denise winds up winning yet again and all is good in Lunch Lady Land. Todd and Courtney play peas and carrots to her Salisbury steak and the three go off for fun leaving Amanda and Peih-Gee behind to bond.

So, that's two rewards in a row that Denise has won and neither time has she taken Peih-Gee even though Peih-Gee took her to the Kung-Fu Variety Hour two weeks ago. Do you think this sits well with Peih-Gee? No. No it does not.

The Survivors eventually return to camp and Amanda has something brewing in her brain. But she'll tell Denise after-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
It's a greatest hits Immunity Challenge where the Survivors will have to first throw more throwing stars at targets. Man, I swear Sir Mix-a-lot should write a song about Amanda. Oh wait, he did.

Todd is the first casualty and it's on to the eating challenge. It's the same bird fetus that Denise couldn't swallow last time. So guess who loses? If you didn't say Denise you should maybe get off the Internet.

Courtney, Amanda and Peih-Gee are then required to put their ball handling skills to the test. Amanda moves through the course quickly. Maybe too quickly. Hmmmm... don't know how I feel about that. Peih-Gee redeems herself from the first ball bouncing challenge and finishes before Courtney.

Which is good, because the last challenge is cutting off puzzle blocks and putting them on a pole. Last time Courtney tried this challenge the ropes were breaking from old age rather than from her paltry swings. Despite a minor snag, Amanda finishes first, ending Peih-Gee's immunity streak. So what was that brilliant idea Amanda?

"I think we should get rid of Todd."

*sigh* Okay, one, everyone watching has had that idea since week 4 and two, Peih-Gee is finally vulnerable to attack and Todd has never won an individual immunity challenge. Listen Johnny, Sweep The Leg.

Let's see what they decide to do at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL
Wow. This is the first time I've gotten to see James since he was voted off. He looks YOUNG.

Probst asks some questions about the reward and Courtney says it was like, awesome enough, but if there'd been, like, pizza and beer or whatever, it would have been more radical. So, like, if China could keep that in mind next time, that'd be wicked.

Probst then asks why someone should or shouldn't go tonight and Peih-Gee spins some bull-oney about being a good and honest and non-cheating player. How did Aaron react to that? ...

...

... Aaron?

Ohhhh that's right, he was sent home after Peih-Gee THREW THE CHALLENGE. So you can take your "honorable style of play" and your four votes and

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)
Aaron (Denise)
Sherea (New Denise)
Jamie (Black Fighting Wind)
Jean-Robert (Black Fighting Wind)
Frosti (Black Fighting Wind)
James (Black Fighting Wind)
Erik (Black Fighting Wind)
Peih-Gee (Black Fighting Wind)

We are down to the final show this Sunday and we're down to our Final Four Survivors. On a quick side note, myself and two friends picked players at the beginning of the show. I picked Denise and am the only person with a Survivor left. On another interesting side note, this final two (or three) will be the first all white group in three seasons since Panama and the abomination that was the Aras/Danielle final. We've been promised 3 Tribal councils so it looks like it will be a final two again this year. Which is good, because no one ever votes for that third wheel. Poor Cassandra and Becky.

If I were Denise, I'd try and take Courtney. Amanda's more popular than you, Todd played a smarter game, but Courtney's a brat.

If I were Amanda, I'd try and take Courtney. Denise is a feel good story, Courtney will vote for Todd instead of you if she's eliminated, so you've got to keep her with you. Plus, you're sweet and Courtney is sour.

If I were Todd, I'd try and take Courtney. You could maybe paint Denise as a gravy train-er (which juries hate), but they might still like her better than you. They'll like Amanda better because while she schemed Todd was still the face of the duo. But Courtney is obnoxious and disliked, you know that sir.

If I were Courtney, I'd start praying.

I'M JUST SAYING

2007-12-14T00:15:00.000-06:00

Bobby Petrino is a special kind of scumbag.

"The View From The Bleachers" sums it up perfectly.

Maybe the man just doesn't understand what a contract is. Maybe he thinks it's awfully nice of these people to just keep handing him money every two weeks.

All I'm saying is 3 things:
1) I hope the Razorbacks have a real ironclad money back deal worked out when, not if, Petrino decides to move to yet greener pastures.
2) How is a man who apparently knows nothing about loyalty, commitment or even seeing a bad situation through supposed to mold young men into something worthwhile?
3) I am going to celebrate every single Arkansas loss next year. And they were a mediocre team this year, so I'm sure I'll have plenty of chances to celebrate.

So get those scoreboards ready Alabama, Auburn, LSU, Mississippi and Mississippi State. Same goes for you Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Tennessee and Vanderbilt. Time to run 'em up!

Well... maybe not Georgia and Auburn. Those guys suck.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD SIDE NOTE

2007-12-12T10:02:00.000-06:00

I know sometimes in *sigh* "l337" speak people replace the "heart/art" sound with the little less than sign and a 3. I tried to do that, to keep it real and all, and each time I did the editing software not only ate the rest of Morse's "quote" but then screwed up the text for the entire rest of the page.

So, you win this round l337. Roxxor on, and learn how to type.

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 12-12-07

2007-12-12T09:27:00.000-06:00

Worzala's Wednesday Word has come out of hiatus to bring you the word "kid", as in "I kid you not, the Merriam-Webster Word of the year is 'w00t'."

Yes, that's right. A word created by on-line gamers as part of their "elite speak", which they in turn truncate to "leet" which in turn is then mangled into "l33t" or *sigh* "l337". Look at that, that is an actual word to them and it's 75% numbers. And now they have the word of the year, even though it's got ZEROES in it!

According to Merriam-Webster's president, John Morse, "w00t" was an ideal choice because it blends whimsy and new technology.

Said Morse, "d00ds, 2day star7s a nu day 4 language!!1 inglish got pwned hard!! suxxor it n00bs, teh future iz ourz nowz!!eleven"

Morse, known as WurdDok on X-box Live, then slammed, like, an entire bottle of Mountain Dew Gamer Fuel and proceeded to beat Halo 3 on Epic.

THAT MELODY IS OFF THE CHAIN

2007-12-06T13:29:00.000-06:00

I don't share a lot of personal information with you fine Star Worz-iors and I hope you are okay with that. But one thing I can tell you, because you've probably already figured it out from the context clues, is that I'm getting married next year.

The Fiancee and I have been tossing out ideas and it looked like our first dance together would be Yazz's "Only You" (which, by the way, is pretty impossible to find on YouTube. Tanks fer' nuthing, Time Person of the Year 2006!).

But now there's a snag, as one of the guys I work with here at my unidentified job is going to be our D.J. He recently showed me this wedding first dance and I have to admit, it's pretty hard to top. I mean, there's something to be said for the classics.

[Ed- My Fiancee is prettier than this girl. Though I'm not as good looking as the guy, so it evens out.]

ANGELS AND AIRWAVES

2007-12-05T13:51:00.000-06:00

Overheard at The Victoria Secret Fashion Show backstage.

"We can't get this can open. See if Posh Spice is hanging around, maybe we can use her chin."

"Do these wings make my thong look small?"

"Seriously, girls, if you could just stop eating the Domino's pizza for ten seconds we can get things started."

"We're going to need some rope over here! One of the models fell into a hole in Seal's face!"

"Geri, I loved that movie made about your husband with Keira Knightley. Oh, wait, that was my husband, David Beckham."

"My idol? Dr. Izzie Stevens, of course."

"Everyone remember, we have Model U.N. tomorrow at my house. Adriana is bringing Rice Krispie Treats."

"I swear to God, if she pokes me with those wings one more time I'm throwing her off the walkway."

"Is that Doogie Howser?"

"What do you mean Tim Gunn isn't here?"

"Mel B, I love how all through Dancing With The Stars your famous soccer playing husband was there cheering you on. Oh, wait, your husband isn't a famous soccer player, mine is. Sorry."

"Help me! I stared directly at Seal's pants and now I'm blind!"

"Three kids? I don't look that good after three Tic Tacs. ****in' Germans."

"Is that Ryan Seacrest? ... is Seal on American Idol right now?"

"Marissa Miller's spilling out of her top. Yes, AGAIN."

"Mel C, congratulations on your husband becoming the highest paid footballer in America. Wait... your last name isn't Beckham, MINE is. Silly me."

"Model U.N. I just got that."

"Can we get another cameraman? Our's just fainted!"

"I just don't know. Maybe he wore a mask until Heidi agreed to marry him."

"Is this The Hives? Man, what happened to them?"

"Is that the third male lead from CSI: Miami? Seriously, are we just giving tickets away to anyone who shows up?"

"Geri, it's so great to have you back. I know how busy you must be, moving from England to America to be with your devastatingly handsome soccer god of a husband. Oh, I'm sorry did I say Geri? I meant me, Victoria."

"Could I please get some more feathers, jewelery AND beads on this bra please?"

"The Hanes outlet off the interstate is having a sale on bras tomorrow if anyone wants to go with me."

"Victoria, I just wanted to say how good it is to have you here. I hope the 4th season of your hit reality show goes as well as your marriage to a world famous singer. Oh waiiiiiit, that's ME. Now be a doll and open this can."

SURVIVOR

2007-11-30T14:56:00.000-06:00

Sorry this is up late, The Packers played last night and in Wisconsin you're not allowed to do anything else during that time. It's not even a local law, it's a Federal law.

(One little, two little, three little SPOILERS)
Hae Da Fung is:
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Erik
Frosti(gone)
James
Jamie(gone)
Jean-Robert(gone)
Peih-Gee
Todd

Last week we were surprised with... A CLIP SHOW!
So this week we finally got to come back to the cliff hanger ending of Tribal Council. It's-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Everyone breathes a sigh of relief as they learn no one else is going home, but the winner of this challenge plus two other contestants get to go to a secluded Shaolin Temple and witness Kung Fu. I just hope Caine's white cop son doesn't show up and ruin all the fun.

It's another brain challenge and there's no knives or burgers this time so you know James is in trouble. Sure enough, Peih-gee wins her second challenge in a row. Which is a big surprise seeing as it was a quiz on Chinese culture and she IS Asian. I mean, that's like quizzing a white guy on the history of Canada, you know?

Peih-gee takes Erik and Denise with her on the trip. Denise is excited, but worried to be leaving the group, because she knows when you're not around that's when you get left out of the loop. And out of the loop is one step away from out of the game. While they're gone James, Amanda, Todd and Courtney all enjoy a preview of the Final Four. James once again makes the Adam and Eve metaphor about not biting the apple, but then Eve (in the form of Amanda) states that maybe it IS time to switch things up. Uh-oh.

The Trio arrive at the temple where- hold on, Peih-gee IS Chinese? That IS bullcrap then! Any way, they're at the temple where- Denise does karate? For eight years? Man, the reveals are coming fast and furi- ERIK ISN'T A VIRGIN??

What a Kung Fu demonstration though. There's kicks and punches, a guy does The Worm and another guy breaks a metal bar with his head. How would you like to be the guy that had to follow that up? "Dang it, I've got to go after Yau? That show-off's probably going to do the metal bar thing and I'm going to look like a jagbag swinging my little ropes around. Dang it!"

After the demonstration the Trio gets to do some karate with the kids of the village and then Denise gives them a demonstration of her skills. In what I'm sure is supposed to be a cute reaction shot, the cameras show the faces of the children. One of the girls has the most precious "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot" look on her face.

While the trio is literally living it up in a temple, the Final Four are literally squatting in a hole while it downpours around them. Cue the Trio's return where Peih-gee talks about how much fun they had. Courtney is snarky about it, and I've got to admit, I don't LIKE Courtney, but since I realized she's a 15 year old old girl in a skeleton's body, she's become a lot more fun.

Erik and Peih-gee try to get in good with the other Survivors but James makes it clear that he only listens to the Powers That Be. I thought Angel killed all of them at the end of season 5? Anyway, Erik asks him who that would be, in an effort to get more information and James holds out his one hand and goes "The Powers that Be" and then two fingers "And the Two Outsiders". "And I'm not going to screw things up with the five, by going 'oh, I don't know, let me think about it.'" Good to hear they have a plan.

Amanda- I think we should get rid of James.

Wait, what?? Oh no, how will this play out at the-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Back to the combat circle and the poor man's Stargate. It's throwing star time. Top three advance to sudden death. Courtney surprises everyone scoring 6 points to tie for first place. Has Courtney been reading this book?

The final round comes down to a four way tie between The Littlest Ninja, Black Crocodile Dundee, The Pixelated Posterior and Erik the Non-Creative-Nickname-Haver. In the end Erik walks away with the immunity necklace and things are suddenly looking bad for James.

Back at camp Amanda shares her idea with Todd like it just came to her and he seems in agreement, as are Courtney and Denise. Todd then sums up the game perfectly.

"That means lying to his face. And I feel really bad about it, because I like the guy. ... But I like a million dollars too."

Peih-gee finds James' hidden immunity idol and tries to take that information to Amanda who tries not to roll her eyes too hard. Amanda then tries to spell out for Peih-Gee that she is safe, without having to spell it out. I mean, she even WINKS at Peih-gee and she still seemed clueless. None the less, it's still going to be lights out for James if he doesn't figure things out before-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Probst starts by bringing in the four members of the jury; Jamie, Jean-Robert, Frosti and Jamie's breasts.

Probst then asks the standard questions about trust and loyalty, James and Peih-gee snipe at each other (man, no one likes her) and everyone unconsciously warns James that they're going to screw him over tonight. None the less, James sits on the hidden immunity idols ("That I GAVE to him!") and in the end is told to head home. All of China weeps.

Even the babies.

All in all James takes it in stride, realizing he should have played an idol and that it's just a game. Good to see some people with perspective, unlike Rudy and his "I know people outside of this game you probably wouldn't want to meet" and Judd's "I hope you get bit by a crocodile."

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)
Aaron (Denise)
Sherea (New Denise)
Jamie (Black Fighting Wind)
Jean-Robert (Black Fighting Wind)
Frosti (Black Fighting Wind)
James (Black Fighting Wind)

NEXT WEEK!
Family Visits? And Denise likes to swing? Swing vote that is.

ONE LITTLE, TWO LITTLE, NO LITTLE INDIANS

2007-11-28T01:04:00.000-06:00

Lakota East High School, in Ohio (state motto: we can spell our state's name, provided you break us into two groups), has cancelled their scheduled performance of Agatha Christie's "Ten Little Indians".

Why?

Because the original title of the play had a racial slur in it. Yes, that racial slur.

...
...
...

So, they don't have a problem with the play itself.
And there's no problem with the name "Ten Little Indians".
Or with Ms. Christie herself.
But because in 1939, some fifty years before any of the actors in this high school play were even born, Agatha Christie titled her book both poorly and insensitively (a title, I might add that was changed when it was printed in the United States one year later) and so therefore it would be in bad taste for the school to put on the play.

Because of an obscure title that I'm sure most people, myself included, didn't even know existed.

Wow.

Let's hear it for critical thought and logic, eh?

THEN HE SUPERMANS THAT OHHH

2007-11-23T15:06:00.000-06:00

My brother is out in California learning how to save souls (speaking of soul saving, have you been reading Slacktivists' Left Behind critique lately? Man, that book is bonkers.) so he wasn't able to make it home for Thanksgiving.

However, he has been able to direct people towards my blog, and even though they haven't been clicking on the ads *ahem* I appreciate the extra traffic.

My brother is a huge Badger fan and I know this school year has been difficult for him, not only because of Greek, but because he has to rely on California to provide him with his Badger sports fixes. This is like relying on tofu to satisfy you with your fried chicken fix.

So, I don't know if he's seen this video yet, but I hope he enjoys it. It's Wisconsin Men's Basketball coach Bo Ryan (possibly the coolest guy around) doing the "Crank Dat" dance to Soulja Boy's "Crank Dat". (Yes, it has its own official dance. Truly, rap has become the new square dance music.)

GOBBLE, GOBBLE!

2007-11-21T16:27:00.000-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who reads this blog.

To everyone who doesn't read this blog... I don't know how these words are reaching your eyes. So Happy Thanksgiving as well, potential super power possessing non-readers.

The fiancee and I will be again splitting the holiday between houses. It should go even better than last year as I am now 85% sure I could find my way home on my own before my car ran out of gas. So that takes some of the pressure off.

What do you think about Thanksgiving, Nick Saban?

It's like Yorktown meets Hiroshima!

Well said. And hey, Danny Bonaduce, how do you like your potatoes?

BONADUCE SMASHED!

Indeed.

Enjoy your day, and remember to give thanks for your blessings in life.

IT'S LIKE CONCORD AND LEXINGTON IN PEARL HARBOR ON SEPTEMBER 11TH!

2007-11-20T09:34:00.000-06:00

Nick Saban, coach of the Alabama "Crimson Tide", coming off a loss to the lowly Louisiana-Monroe "Pacifistic Amish", told his team they needed to be able to rebound from this "catastrophic event".

Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event. It may be 9-11, which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, or whatever, and that was a catastrophic event.

My favorite part is "kind of got us ready for World War II, or whatever". Yeah, whatever. You'd think he wasn't born in 1951 or something. At least he's pushing the student in student-athletics "or whatever".

Now, according to a school spokesperson Saban wasn't trying to say Alabama being 6-5 was the same thing as a surprise military attack or the largest terrorist attack on American soil. Trust me, if you've ever met a Southern football fan, they won't think it's the same thing. They'll think it was worse.

The point, instead, is that the team needs to rebound from adversity and hardship, much like American has. Maybe, instead of citing 9-11 and Pearl Harbor "or whatever", as an example of adversity or hardship he could have cited... oh, I don't know, the overtime loss to Georgia, the loss to Florida State, or the loss to conference rivals Mississippi State, who got one of only 3 conference wins against Alabama by a score of 17-12. Maybe cite earlier this month when you gave up two touchdowns in 83 seconds to lose to former Saban coached LSU. Maybe those would have been better examples of recent adversity and hardship.

Not that Nick Saban doesn't know a thing or two about sneak attacks, "or whatever".

SURVIVOR

2007-11-16T15:12:00.000-06:00

(Don't leave this out of the fridge, cause it'll SPOILERS)
Hae Da Fung is:
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Erik
Frosti
James
Jamie(gone)
Jean-Robert(gone)
Peih-Gee
Todd

A loooong opening recap, basically just so Probst could say that when Jean-Robert was voted out he was "dealt a losing hand." Ohhh Probst, you rogue.

James is wising up that he might not be able to trust anyone, especially Todd and Courtney. Good to see he's learning. Denise, meanwhile is pissed that she didn't know about the vote change. A little talking to by James though soothes away all of her worries.

Now, I don't know if this is cause I watched it on-line or not but the credit sequence was just the players left and then the jury. I think that's a fantastic idea and I hope they keep it from now on.

Congratulations Peih-Gee, with Jean-Robert gone you are now official the most annoying Survivor left. James wakes everyone with a "good morning" song. I have flashbacks to Scout Camp and am filled with the desire to dump James in the river. Which river? Doesn't matter. Frosti and Courtney continue to make googy eyes at each other. Good thing I'm not diabetic or I'd be in sugar shock by now. Enough of this cutesy crapola, on to-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Teams of four have to maneuver a ball through a course by bouncing it on the head of the drums they're carrying. In a wise move, Todd picks Denise to be on their team, avoiding her being left last two rewards in a row. Also of note, helllloooo pixelation on Amanda's backside. That girl is hotter than a pound of peppers.

Erik uses his virgin powers and his mastery over handling balls to lead his team to an easy victory over Peih-gee, James, Todd and Denise. He, Amanda, Frosti and Courtney all get to enjoy a cruise and dinner. Aboard the ship there is much schmoozing, drinking, and even more cuteness by Courtney and Frosti. Courtney doesn't know what she likes so much about him, considering he's "only 20". What is she, Methuselah?

Also, a word of wisdom, any time you see two people snuggling up like Courtney and Frosti are, you need to nip that in the BUD. If Rob and Amber didn't teach you that lesson in All-Stars, then the Tom/Ian romance of Palau should have been all the evidence you needed. And no, this will not be my last Palau reference this week.

Back at camp Peih-Gee decides to blame James for their loss. "I can't believe you accused me of ever giving up," she says. Really? How did Aaron get voted out again? Oh, right, cause you threw the challenge. James is not hearing anything Peih-Gee is saying and she storms off for an angry swim. She's just mad that she hasn't won ANY of the reward challenges.

Ring!
Ring!
Hold on a second. Hello? Oh, Peih-Gee it's for you. It's Stephanie and Bobby Jon from Palua, they'd like a word with you.

Once she's gone James makes another Adam and Eve reference, this time in regards to temptation. Huh. Wonder if that'll play into anything. The other four return and it's all agreed that Peih-Gee will go home next. I mean, unless she, I don't know, wins the-

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Probst tells Courtney "it's time to give it up." I bet he never dreamed of saying that to her. ...I also bet it's not the first time she's heard that.

Puzzle time! It's a memory quiz, which is bad for James. But it involves a knife, so maybe the Black Crocodile Dundee will have some luck. But what's this? You can Opt out and eat instead? Oh my! Courtney, James, Todd, and Denise all decide to eat. You know, for someone that weighs 5 ozs, Courtney sure likes eating. I also find it odd that Denise, so worried last week that she might be getting the boot soon, decided to for-go playing the game. But it's okay, right? I mean, they know who's going. Peih-gee's going unless... she wins Immunity. Which she does. You hear that gunfire in the distance? That's the best laid plans being shot to pieces.

Back at camp Erik and Frosti share a moment of doomed brotherhood. Man, they're an even cuter couple than Courtney and Frosti. Which is exactly what has The Todd worried. If Erik makes it to the end, he's going to win. But Frosti is also a threat. So who goes? Erik is cute and from the south and he does an incredible goat impression, but Frosti is either winning or almost winning most of the challenges. James worries that Courtney might not want to vote off her "Survivor Boyfriend". Todd, logic machine that he is, says fine, we'll just vote off Courtney then. The guy's a loose cannon, that's all I'm saying.

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Probst asks James and Todd about sitting out in the challenge. James admits he ate 7 of the 12 burgers on the table and Todd says he was powerless against the will of the fat kid that lives inside of him. Frosti and Erik both know one of them is doomed and in the end

is told to

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)
Aaron (Denise)
Sherea (New Denise)
Jamie (Black Fighting Wind)
Jean-Robert (Black Fighting Wind)
Frosti (Black Fighting Wind)

NEXT WEE-
What? They're not leaving Tribal Council?? A Twist?!? PROOOOOBST!!!!

*ahem*
NEXT WEEK
Injuries! And is Todd yelling at James?

p.s. Bonus points to Frosti for his post-vote speech. "I was beat by a tiny flight attendant, a sassy waitress and a lady with a mullet."

NOW THE CHORUS WON'T RHYME

2007-11-15T08:25:00.000-06:00

Santas in Australia are now being told it is up to their individual discretion whether or not they want to replace the traditional "ho-ho-ho" with "ha-ha-ha" so they don't frighten children or insult women. That's right, "ho-ho-ho" may insult women, as "ho" is a slang word for a woman of ill repute.

Other changes Santas are being offered to pursue:
1) Eliminate the red suit, as it may annoy passing bulls
2) Stop referring to self as a "jolly old elf", it it may offend orcs, goblins and Ents.
3) Trade in flying reindeer for a nice Prius to get better gas mileage.
4) End the tradition of bringing toys for just "good little boys and girls" as the phrase may offend and confuse obese children, as well as eunuchs.
5) No more making of lists, as it is wasteful of paper and also inefficient in this day of computers and spreadsheet programs
6) Stop trying to score with single mothers in the mall. That's just creepy.

A STUNNING CELLULAR PLAN

2007-11-13T15:36:00.000-06:00

My fiancee and I, in a slow but steady move towards becoming ONE, are getting a joint cellphone plan. It will save us both money, while at the same time getting us shiny new phones. My old one still has a rotary on it. Not that I'm complaining, at least it's not a Bluetooth. Those things creep me out. Especially cause it's only one step away from becoming THESE GUYS.

My fiancee was able to change her phone plan, which she shared with her mother, over with no problem and had it activated over the weekend. Mine was supposed to activate today. Yesterday the old rotary phone went off. "Would you like to accept a call from Sprint?" Well, I was working at the time so I had to tell the operator to take a message for me. Turns out this was a mistake, because something got screwed up HARD and that was my last chance to clear it up with someone who speaks English as a first language.

Not to say the two nice Indian women that I talked to weren't trying their best, but we're losing something in the conversation. The first woman I got a hold of, by weaving my way through a crap-tastic labyrinth of voice-activated options, assured me that everything was going to be settled after I made it clear to her that I just wanted to cancel my old phone contract and start a new one. And yes, my phone bill comes through work, but that's because of an employee deal we get, not because it's a business phone. No problems she said.

Well, turns out two hours later there were problems. So now I was talking to "Leslie" about why my phone wouldn't switch over. I explained to her, as I had "Sarah", what our company rep had explained to me. There was no need for tax codes, pin numbers, etc, because I was just cancelling a personal phone contract. In the two year history of people having this deal through work and then cancelling their phones NO ONE had needed this additional information. There was no reason this night should be different than any other night. When we weren't busy trying to talk over the top of each other, I did my best to explain to her my situation.

"Okay sir, I will run this through Cellcom. If they accept, the new activation date will be 72 hours from now. So sometime on the 16th."

Wait, WHAT?

"It could be as early as noon sir. It's the best we can do."

Now, I wasn't upset with her. It's not her fault. But I am a little ticked by the fact that she said she'd call back and let me know what Cellcom said and if they'd need any additional information. That was 5 hours ago. Something tells me I won't be hearing from "Leslie" again. Maybe I'll text her. Which, believe me, is quite the feat with a rotary phone.

SURVIVOR

2007-11-09T13:36:00.000-06:00

(Much Like The Fourth Robin, we are SPOILERS!)

One Team, One Buff, One Black Fighting Wind
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Erik
Frosti
James
Jamie(gone)
Jean-Robert
Peih-Gee
Todd

We start with James, the Black Crocodile Dundee, out catching fish and talking about how good Team Denise's position is, his personal position especially. All he needs is for Jean-Robert to stay in the dark and keep his mouth shut and everyone should be fine. In an example of how Over James is right now, he has fish jumping into his net before he can finish setting it up.

REWARD CHALLENGE!
What? Reward challenge all ready? That means there's going to be some scheming afoot this episode. Four person teams, one person gets in a little bathtub boat while the three members of the opposite team try to sink the boat by tossing buckets of water into it. Todd, James, Jean-Robert and Amanda (aka Team Awesome) take on Peih-Gee, Erik, "Frosti" and Courtney (aka Team Thanks For Coming Out). Denise is left on the bench watching as Team Awesome quickly dunks the other team twice. They win a fantastic trip to an ancient village as well as a clue to the "hidden" immunity idol.

At the village Jean-Robert is PUMPED to be reading the immunity idol clues. Everyone else does their best to not roll their eyes as they not only know all the clues, they have both immunity idols.

Back at camp, Denise commiserates about always being picked last and starts to wonder if that trend will continue once it's only Team Denise members left. Peih-Gee, The Asian Lady Macbeth, throws out the idea of the five of them tossing out Jean-Robert. No one thinks this is a bad idea, as everyone hates Jean-Robert. Denise isn't totally sold, but getting rid of Jean-Robert isn't even the craziest idea that will be brought up today.

That night, as everyone else sleeps, Jean-Robert puts Operation: Hunt And Peck into action. Even though he knows Jamie was wrong with her "immunity idol", he proceeds to remove all 6 other panels. So now he's got 6 fake immunity idols. It's like Fake Christmas came early.

Remember when I said Denise and Courtney teaming with Team Yellow wasn't the craziest idea in this episode? Well The Todd has a doozy. He's starting to crack. He's sick of Jean-Robert, he's sick of James and he's pissed that James hasn't offered him an immunity idol ("which I FOUND for him"). Like in Thailand with Brian (who played a very similar game to Todd and ended up the winner), you don't want to piss off the guy who's pulling all the strings and feels like he should be thanked for it. You will be voted off with a quickness. ESPECIALLY if you are a black man.

So if James loses at Immunity, he may be gone. Well, let's go to-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
A giant dragon with barrels full of water. You have to balance on them as the water drains. Balance challenges are always tricky. Especially for the big guys.

Great Exchange:
Jean-Robert: I don't think mine is balanced properly.
Probst: Glad you're still around Jean-Robert, always need a complainer.
Courtney: I thought I was the complainer.

Down goes Jean-Robert, down goes Denise, down goes James. The final trio are the three lightest contestants; Todd, "Frosti" and Courtney. "Frosti" uses a magic dragon song to throw The Todd off into the swamp, but in the end The 99 Cent Menu is no match for someone who doesn't eat. I'm willing to lay good money Probst never dreamed he'd be saying "Courtney, you've won immunity." Of course, watching it you can barely hear him over the sound of the necklace shattering her collar bone.

Back at camp, Jean-Robert and Erik go for a swim. Erik tells Jean-Robert he really likes him, but he's a virgin. ...no, wait, that was two episodes ago. Jean-Robert tells Erik he has the immunity idol. Erik calls B.S. knowing that James has both immunity idols. Jean-Robert looks like he just found out his Prom date, who couldn't go cause she was "sick", is dancing with the Homecoming King. He tries to bully James into giving him an idol, but James won't budge. He knows it's stupid to get on board with Jean-Robert at this point.

So then Jean-Robert runs to Todd to let him know that James has the immunity idols ("Which I FOUND for him"). Todd tries to act surprised when Jean-Robert mentions getting rid of James. Todd's worried that Jean-Robert is starting to think like a much slower version of himself and decides it's his time to go. Amanda can't believe how often Todd's changing his mind. Really, she should just cut him loose. That's all I'm saying, cause he's not really taking her to the end. He'll take Courtney instead, cause that's a guaranteed win for him. Hopefully Amanda wises up before it's her name they're writing down at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL
Jamie doesn't look half bad cleaned up. Peih-Gee frets, Jean-Robert uses a poker metaphor, Erik tries to be charming and James calls him on it. In the voting booth we see Courtney vote for Jean-Robert, Jean-Robert vote for James and Denise vote for Peih-Gee. ...Peih-Gee?

So Peih-Gee gets one vote, and it becomes a dead heat between James and Jean-Robert. In the end Operation: Poker? Darn Near Killed Her comes to an end and Jean-Robert goes home. No one is sad.

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)
Aaron (Denise)
Sherea (New Denise)
Jamie (Black Fighting Wind)
Jean-Robert (Black Fighting Wind)

NEXT WEEK!
Courtney Loves Frosti! James Hates Peih-Gee! Peih-Gee Hates James! Todd Hates Everyone! And Everyone Loves A Twist At Tribal Council!

THROW MORE CASH AT IT

2007-11-09T08:49:00.000-06:00

Survivor Recap will be up later today.

Driving in to work today I was listening to AM radio and they were talking about a recent smoking report that has American smokers at 21% of the population. The number is unchanged from the last study, which was conducted in 2004. So in three years the number hasn't changed. The CDC (Center for Disease Control? I missed the part where they broke down the acronym) sees this as proof that their anti-smoking efforts have failed. Which is not, technically, true. If your number is the same after 3 years that means you've either been able to a) deter anyone new from starting to smoke or b) convince people that were smoking to stop smoking. So right there, you're seeing some success.

The CDC has a better plan however, and that plan is giving them more money to throw at the problem. Just gobs of it. Wheelbarrows stacked with wheelbarrows stacked with bags of money.

Now, this is just crazy talk on my part, but it would seem to me that if you really, really wanted to stop people from smoking, you'd just outlaw it all together. Oh Nos! You can't take away my right to smoke! Really? You sure about that? Cause it appears no one but you actually wants you smoking. And the only legal place now is under your bed with the lights off anyway, so will you really be missing that much?

This whole idea boggles my mind and maybe it boggles easy, but let me see if I get this straight. Smoking can kill you. That's a known fact. They print the warnings on the boxes the cigarettes come in. Tobacco companies spend millions paying the lawsuits of people that smoked and then got sick because of it. The government spends money to create programs to convince people not to smoke. But, at the same time, the government has done nothing to outlaw either the growing of tobacco or the production of cigarettes. That strikes me as kind of negligent.

The government still pays tobacco farmers not to grow tobacco right? Man, all those people pushing for the legalization of marijuana should take a cue from that plan, and lobby the government to start paying them not to grow weed. A person could make a lot of money not growing an illegal substance. We're talking wheelbarrows stacked with wheelbarrows here.

INSOMNIA

2007-11-07T14:56:00.000-06:00

This is an incredibly rough draft of a monologue I hope to submit to our 3rd Annual One-Act Festival. Enjoy.

Jane:
I was 35 minutes late to work today. My boss saw me coming in and said that "if I wanted to stay employed here, I should do a better job of arriving promptly." To which I replied "if I wanted to hear opinions from fat, balding men, I'd ask you for one."

(pause) It was a slight over reaction. I blame it on my lack of sleep. Which is understandable because (catches self)...I'm not, like, normally a bitch or anything. I mean, there's, like, worse things to be, but I'm not a bitch normally or anything. I'm just tired all the time. I'll be fine though, honest. I am fine. I'm fine. I'm more than fine. It's just, you know, who sleeps well in the car, right? I remember when I was a kid I could never sleep in the car. Even as a baby. Some babies, my sister for example, zonk right out once you put them in a car seat. Sometimes my mom would just put her in the car seat and set her on top of the washing machine. Which is a great idea, except for the one time she forgot to bring Stef back up to the apartment with the load of whites. She went right back down for her, Stef doesn't even remember it happening, but my Dad still likes to tell the story at Thanksgiving.

Ahhh jeez, I was going to ask for the Friday after Thanksgiving off today. I better wait until next week now, let my boss cool off a little bit. I was going to write it down, I must have forgotten. I'm not, like, scatterbrained, I'm just tired. I read a study on-line that you need at least 6 hours of sleep a night to function properly. I lay down for at least 8 every night, but I bet they mean uninterrupted, and that never happens in my car. I'm not, like, homeless or anything. I mean, that's not, like, a big deal if I was, right? There are worse things you can be.

I really didn't mean to snap at him. He's been going through a lot lately, he's in the middle of a pretty nasty divorce, and he's got a kid in school that's having some troubles. He was probably just looking out for me. And I mean, I snapped at him in front of...(starts to tear up) ahhh jeez. I'm sorry, just give me a second. (waves hand in front of face, trying to compose herself) I'm not a big crier. I don't, like, cry myself to sleep every night or anything. I'm just, I'm just so tired. All the time.

(Long pause)
There's a monster in my basement. Down by the water heater, back in the shadows. It hasn't always been there. I was gone for a long weekend to visit my folks three, no it was a month ago, and when I came home I felt like something was off, but I just chalked it up to stress. I mean, it's not like I hate going to see my parents, but it's stressful, you know? Why don't you get a better job. When are you going to get back out there and date. Have you not been sleeping again. Just you know, the same questions asked over and over. So I chalked it up to stress, and I went to take a shower to kind of ease my mind. But the hot water was out. So I went downstairs and I just started feeling uneasy. You know how it is if you're in the mall or something, and there's all those people milling about? And someone comes real close behind you? Even if you don't see them, you know they're there? It was that sort of feeling. Like there was something just over my shoulder. My water heater is inside of a closet in the back corner of the basement. I thought it was a cute little thing when I moved in, because who wants to have to stare at a water heater? When I opened the door, the feeling got worse. Like it was seconds from stepping out of the shadows towards me. It took me three tries to relight the pilot my hands were shaking so badly, and as soon as the flame took I slammed the door and raced upstairs. I swear, I took the stairs 3 at a time to stay ahead of it. I slammed the basement door shut and dragged my kitchen table in front of the door. There's grooves in the linoleum now from the legs dragging across it.

I haven't been back to the house since. I still had most of my bags in the car, so I didn't really need to go back. I stayed at a hotel for a week before I realized I wasn't going to be able to afford it much longer. My finances are pretty tight right now, I had some medical bills that stacked up and... I just couldn't afford it. So I started sleeping in my car. After a week I got used to it enough that I was actually sleeping, but I'm still tired all of the time.

(pause, softly but slowly building to a head)
There's a monster in my house, and I don't know what to do about it. I can't very well sell the house, what if a family moves in and it eats one of their kids? Or an elderly couple? Or a dog? I couldn't live with that. I called my mom to get her advice, she asked if I was still taking my medication. I told her that had nothing to do with this and she said I should have someone come over and look. Like I hadn't thought of that?... ahhh, jeeze, I shouldn't have snapped at her like I did. But who do I call? An exterminator? A priest? What if they go down there and the monster kills them? What if they go down there and the monster hides? What if they can't find it? Then they're going to come up stairs and they're going to get that look on their face, like they can't decide if they're angry or sad, like it's my fault. Like it's in my head. And it's not in my head, because it's real and it's hiding and if I go back in that house it's going to kill me. And it's not my fault. Jesus, it's not!

(resigned, but confident)
There's a monster in my house, and I can't sleep because of it, and I AM still taking my medication. It's not like I'm, like, (catches her self again)... ... It's not. I'm fine. I, I just can't sleep.

AN AMAZING AMOUNT OF SHTICK

2007-11-05T16:39:00.000-06:00

I've been spending the last six weeks running rehearsal for our newest play "Slaphappy" at Venture Theatre. It's been an interesting experience, both very rewarding and very trying.

Our lone entertainment reviewer came to see the show on opening night and his review made the paper on Sunday. 4 out of 4 stars. Hard to top that. At least in our current 4 star system.

You can find it, for about the next week, here.

Darn right I had everyone "pushing hard to pull off an amazing amount of shtick."

I can now add "everyone pusher" to my list of accolades. Including "comically nimble", "ambitious", "plays Walt" and "2006 Time Person of The Year".

"Slaphappy" plays Friday and Saturday nights at 8 p.m. at Venture Theatre, 380 Main Ave, De Pere, WI.

SURVIVOR

2007-11-03T14:17:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the delay. For once work kept me busy enough on a Friday that I wasn't able to get anything up for you. Forgiveness, please.

(If you don't know there's spoilers, you ain't been coming here long)

Zhan Hu ("Team Yellow") is NOW made up of:
Aaron(gone)
Ashley(gone)
"Chicken"(gone)
Dave(gone)
Erik
James
Jamie
Peih-Gee

Fei Long ("Team Denise") is NOW made up of:
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Frosti
Jean-Robert
Leslie(gone)
Sherea(gone)
Todd

We start at Team Denise where they have just gotten back from voting Sherea out of the game. Man, He-Man is going to be pissed they played his cousin like that. Jean-Robert, his neck still on the block decides to set into motion Operation: Yeah, No, I Know, I'm Letting It Drop, But Can I Just Say One More Thing?. Seriously, the best way to secure your place in the tribe is to keep your head down, your mouth shut and help win a challenge or two. Don't keep everyone up all night. That's the wrong way.

Morning comes to Team Yellow and Peih-gee starts in on James about how she's always liked him and how much of an asset he can be to them and how much everyone likes and respects him on Team Yellow. Riiiiight. I'm sure he's forgotten all about you throwing the challenge two weeks ago in order to send him and Aaron home.

Later, the rest of Team Yellow now off bathing and discussing how much James must like them, James uses this time to pull off the hidden Immunity Idol. Unfortunately, he pulls off the wrong symbol first. Hearing the rest of the tribe return, James only has time to hide the real idol and has to leave the blank symbol lying on the ground.

Jamie and Erik find the blank symbol and like chimps stacking boxes to reach a wax banana, they put all the pieces together. "Sorta looks kind of idol-ish, right?" says Erik to the camera. How the cameramen have kept a straight face through this season is beyond me. James meanwhile is beside himself, "If they play that fake board at Tribal Council? Please let one of them play that. I would pass out with joy."

The joke is almost on James, however, because while he's away with Peih-Gee getting water, Jamie decides she'll look in his bag. It's not even an "oops, it tipped over and look what fell out" sort of thing, she has to turn it over, undo the clasp, reach in, pull out all of his stuff and THEN unroll his pants, where he has both immunity idols hidden. Luckily for James and unluckily for Jamie, she never actually checks to see what a real immunity idol looks like. How she figures him having two "somethings" allows for the possibility for her to have a true immunity idol is beyond me.

What's beyond Courtney back at Team Denise, is how no one wants to get rid of Jean-Robert but her. AND they all just voted out her newest best friend Sherea last episode. Boy, they all sure are mean. But like Todd tells us, "I have my people that I need. Right now, Jean-Robert is a person that I need. It's my game... BITCH."

No Reward Challenge this week, instead everyone gets the reward of New Buffs! That's right, just as Peih-Gee predicted two weeks ago, it's merge time. The team is now Back In Black, and are presented with a giant feast. "But remember," warns Probst. "The game never stops." Listen people, when Probst tells you something? It's important.

Sure enough later that day Probst pulls up in a boat with the individual immunity necklace. He'll be asking them questions about what they ate and experienced at the feast. One wrong answer and you're out. Despite my prediction that everyone would be out after one round, Frosti's Value Menu Mind kicks into high gear and wins himself immunity.

Now comes the scrambling. Jean-Robert or Jamie? Jean-Robert not-so-subtly threatens Todd with losing the million dollars (and disembowlment) if he's screwed over before the final three, while James admits that Jean-Robert might go soon, "because he's a dumb***."

But what dumb*** will prove to be dumb***ier? Let's go to-

TRIBAL COUNCIL!
Nothing new here as Jean-Robert once again figures running his mouth is his best strategy. And maybe it is. Maybe he figures if he's annoying enough no one will figure him a threat and carry him all the way to the final two. My guess is he's the first member of Old Team Denise to get the boot.

Everyone goes off to vote, and right before Probst reads the names, Jamie speaks up.

"We found this at camp. I was just wondering if it might be the immunity idol."

Probst looks at it as he says "It is true that when a hidden immunity idol is played, all votes cast for that person do not count. But this... is not a hidden immunity idol. This is nothing."

He then CHUCKS IT INTO THE FIRE PIT.

James is almost having a stroke trying not to laugh out loud. The votes are then read, and while JR takes an early lead, Jamie comes from behind to win the first seat on the Jury.

BONADUCE SMASH!

Probst reminds people that from here out they will be voting out the people that will then decide if they win a million dollars or not.

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)
Aaron (Denise)
Sherea (New Denise)
Jamie (Black Fighting Wind)

NEXT WEEK!
Todd schemes! Everyone else schemes! James breaks a board!

LATERAL THINKING

2007-10-30T14:07:00.000-05:00

Trinity College vs Millsaps in Division III football.

Trinity is down 22 to 24 with 2 seconds left in the game. Back on their own 39 yard line they have no chance of kicking a field goal. So for the last play of the game they throw for 11 yards up the middle of the field.

And then they start to lateral.

And lateral.

AND LATERAL.

Do yourself a favor and don't listen to the announce team. As Mike put it, "they may play Division III ball, but he's a Division VIII announcer."

I started applauding at work, that's how much joy this video brought me.

SURVIVOR

2007-10-26T09:39:00.001-05:00

For the next two weeks I'm not going to be able to watch Survivor "live" on Thursday night. So, instead, I'll be watching them during the day (don't tell my bosses) and blogging about it as we go. How's that sound? Great? Great.

This week on... Survivor
(Spoiling Like Raw Meat in Your Passenger Seat!)

Zhan Hu ("Team Yellow") is NOW made up of:
Aaron(gone)
Ashley(gone)
"Chicken"(gone)
Dave(gone)
Erik
James
Jamie
Peih-Gee

Fei Long ("Team Denise") is NOW made up of:
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
Frosti
Jean-Robert
Leslie(gone)
Sherea
Todd

Two minutes in, The Step-sisters sleep the sleep of the wicked, while James works around camp. Boy, he sure is a good worker. Probably an asset to have around camp. Maybe we should get rid of him.

4 and a half in The Todd tells Amanda the immunity idol is hidden at camp. He can't find it, so he recruits her. Which is good. Because, well, she's hot and I'd like to see her stick around.

(Editor note: This computer's processor sucks balls, just typing is holding the screen up.)

REWARD CHALLENGE!
Time to win yourself some Godliness! Wait, I mean Cleanliness, which is close.
Race through the village, find the puzzle pieces, put together the puzzle.
Courtney sits out, SURPRISE!
Peih-Gee and Sherea try to talk strategy while in the house, well, Peigh-Gee does a lot of talking. "We're still with you guys. We're still all together, okay?" Sherea doesn't say anything, which I think has Peih-Gee worried. She reminds me of the unpopular kid who hasn't quite realized they're unpopular yet. "Hey, hey guys, we're all still going to Perkins after the football game, right? Right? Okay, I'll just see you guys there, then. Okay? Guys? Okay, cool, I'll just... see you there... then. ...guys?"
At least Team Yellow is trying this time around. Probably cause no one's going home if they don't.
Team Denise spells out the Confucian wisdom first, "Man Who Live In Glass House Have Bathroom In Basement." They kidnap James back much to Jean-Robert's and Denise's delight.
12 minutes in, Courtney holds up the tea tray, looking the happiest she's looked since she came on the show. Must have brought back memories of serving drinks in New York. How her arm doesn't snap is beyond me.

13 minutes- Miami Vice: China!

Team Denise is welcomed to "The Charmin Tea House", you can hear Mao Zedong spinning in his tomb from here.

(Editor Note: The computer is still lagging something fierce, so the Tea Girls sound like Satan.)

14 Minutes- Everyone's having a good time, laughing, enjoying the food, a bath, tea, etc. So who has to open their yap and ruin everything with sexual innuendo? If you said Jean-Robert, congratulations, you've been paying attention! Operation: Old Guy At College Party is in full swing once again. Courtney comments on how gross he is, and then is carried off by a sparrow.

15:30- James, the Mack Daddy Crocodile Dundee decides to use the shower. Which involves him stripping BUTT NEKKID, much to everyone's delight. I think even Jean-Robert was digging it.

16 minutes- Team Yellow is starting to worry that being on a winning tribe is going to go to Sherea and Frosti's heads. Again, it's like the kid that doesn't realize his friend's starting on the football team now and doesn't want to go back to playing D&D in your mom's basement on Friday nights. Even though you REALLY need a 9th level Cleric for their healing spells!! Not to say throwing the last immunity challenge was going to come back to haunt you. BUT I TOLD YOU SO!!!

The Todd slides up to James and tells him to hook him up with the clue and The Todd will help save him. James realizes though, and he's the first to mention it, that The Todd has alliances with EVERYONE on the tribe. So even if he helps him, it doesn't make him any safer.

Todd with all the clues, now puts together that the idol is with the arch. Amanda and he start going at the arch with all the subtlety of a neon yellow ninja in clogs. Frosti then shows up to find out what's going on and starts parkouring all over the ledge. Todd pulls the idol off only to have Frosti see it. Frosti's face lights up like a kid who found the presents in his parent's closet before Christmas, while Todd and Amanda try to shush him because they've known about the presents in the closet for the last month and don't want the parents re-hiding them.

Todd then pulls some Sun-Tzu maneuvers, giving James the idol and telling him to throw the challenge. If he loses, Team Yellow will vote him out, but he can play the idol, vote out Jamie, sever the tie with Erik, keep Team Denise's numbers intact and eventually control all of China. James is so happy with his plan he almost beats Todd into a coma.

Ahhhhh irony. Last week Team Yellow wanted to lose and James wanted to win. This week they want to win and James wants to lose. Let's see how it goes at-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Eating Challenge! Yeah!! Wait... Courtney doesn't eat. ... crap.
Frosti vs Peih-Gee: 10 Chicken Hearts! Just another victim for the 99 Cent Menu
Courtney vs Jamie: Eel! Jamie's had a long slimy thing in her mouth before I'm sure and takes Courtney to town. Courtney then sends it all back up.
Amanada vs Erik: Baby Turtles! Gamora is going to be pissed. You gotta eat the shell?? Erik takes it by a swallow.
Uh-oh... That's Team Yellow 2 Team Denise 1
Denise vs James: Chicken Fetuses? With Feathers? Denise is screaming at it. "GET IN MY MOUTH!!" James is doing his best to throw the challenge, but Denise can't keep it down. She has to give up. James, gentleman that he is, swallows the entire plate in one gulp.
Frosti vs Erik: Thousand Year Old Egg. I think these challenges are the most fun Probst has all show. Erik wins by a swallow again!
Son of a! The one time they need to win and Team Denise can't get it done??? I never thought seeing James win would be a bad thing.

Amanda, Todd and Denise, decide to get rid of Sherea. Courtney thinks Jean-Robert is a better choice. Courtney and Sherea cat about Jean-Robert but it's a done deal. ...isn't it? Courtney pitches the idea to Amanda, Frosti and Todd who all look at her like she's speaking Mandarin. Jean-Robert knows his head is on the chopping block. Maybe because Todd is now thinking it would be a good idea to get rid of him. Amanda's gut says Sherea, Todd's gut says Jean-Robert, Todd's faux hawk says Metrosexual. Let's see what Probst says at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL
Jean-Robert makes his case about helping out at camp and Sherea immediately gets on his case about it. Courtney then jumps in and teases Jean-Robert about being a "bad boy". Operation: I Might Start Crying If You Keep Laughing At Me seems to be in swing. Courtney says she feels like an outsider... which pisses Todd off cause he's been nothing but good to her. Wow Courtney, I don't think you've thought your cunning plan through.

Great is Todd's anger and swift is his vengeance. Jean-Robert gets the first two votes, but then Sherea blows past him to get the boot, proving once again, if you want someone to help you, the worst thing you can do is accuse them of never helping you. Sorry Sherea, but-

BONADUCE SMASH!

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)
Aaron (Denise)
Sherea (New Denise)

NEXT WEEK!
Erik and Jamie have an immunity idol!? Todd has too many plates in the air!? Jean-Robert has a meat cleaver!? And we have a merge!?

BRING THE T-NOISE, BRING THE T-PAIN

2007-10-25T13:52:00.000-05:00

On the drive home for lunch today I got to listen to Rush Limbaugh talk about a new tax increase that the "Spend-o-crats" want to enact. It's a major screw job of 4% (out of 100! Can you believe it??) that will kick in around the same time the 2001 and 2003 tax cuts end. And the "Spend-o-crats" are after you, Joe 6-Pack, because this tax hike is going to affect people that make $15,000 individually and $20,000 as a couple.

Nah, I'm just kidding, multiply that income by 10.

So, if you're making $150,000 a year as a single filer, you would have to pay an extra 4% tax on your gross income. So an extra $6,000. Rush's point was you should be outraged by this fact, even if you don't make $150,000 a year because "don't you aspire to make that much?" Well yeah, I do, but I've also aspired to build a battle van that could convert into a submarine. I had schematics and everything. If I was making $150,000 a year, I think I could take home $100,000 a year and squeak by.

He also wanted me to be enraged that they were looking to tax cigarette's an extra $1 or so to pay for the S-Chip program (before it was vetoed). This new hypothetical payment combined with the increased smoking restrictions would lead, Limbaugh believes, to fewer smokers, which would mean that eventually the tax would be levied on other products as well. Now, I know Limbaugh knows a thing or two about addiction, but maybe he's not a smoker. Maybe he doesn't know any smokers. Maybe he's never looked at a pack of cigarettes. So he can excused his ignorance on the matter.

Cigarette packs warn you can die if you keep smoking them. They warn you that your babies will be tiny and that your lungs will shrink to the capacity of a sandwich baggie. Cigarettes turn your fingers yellow, your teeth yellow and make your clothing stink. And yet people still smoke! Why? Cause they're addicted to it. So an extra buck a pack isn't going to cause a significant shrink in the number of smokers.

I've come to the conclusion in life, and maybe this is just very liberal-schmibral of me, that if Rush Limbaugh is against something, I'm probably going to be for it. Now, I'm not saying I'm pro-tax hike, but last I checked we have troops to support. And that ain't getting any cheaper.

So you don't go away sad (or without clicking the ad) here's David Sides playing T-Pain's "Buy U A Drank (Shorty Snappin')" on the piano.

Like Chris says, "I ****in' love T-Pain."

POUR SOME TB ON ME

2007-10-22T13:38:00.000-05:00

At least 40 people in St. Maarten are being treated for tuberculosis that they may have gotten from a stripper who has the active form of the disease.

Wow.

"Yeah, so uhhh, honey, I should probably go to the doctor."

"Why?"

"Oh, you know. Miiiiight have *cough*tuberculosis*cough*."

"How could that have possibly happened?"

"...probably all the work I've been doing down in the mines."

"You work at a binding company."

"In the mine department."

"In the binding department."

"Either way. That's probably where I got it."

"Hmmm... you know, Tom and Jeff's wives both mentioned that they had come down with Tuberculosis recently."

"You don't *ahem* you don't say?"

"And I was just thinking how you all-"

"Work in the mine together."

"Went to that conference in St. Maarten a few months ago."

"I don't recall that."

"You're wearing the St. Maarten t-shirt you bought on your trip."

"Is that where I got this from?"

"Mmmm hmmmm."

"Thought I got it *cough* ... from the mine. Where I work."

SURVIVOR

2007-10-19T13:12:00.000-05:00

(Check out my mag wheels and my SPOILERS)

This week on... Survivor

Zhan Hu ("Team Yellow") is made up of:
Ashley(gone)
"Chicken"(gone)
Dave(gone)
Erik
"Frosti"
Jamie
Peih-Gee
Sherea

Fei Long ("Team Denise") is made up of:
Aaron
Amanda
Courtney
Denise
James
Jean-Robert
Leslie(gone)
Todd

We open with a metaphor, the sleeping panda. The sleeping panda stands for Team Yellow, who have spent their first Dave-free day sleeping in. Also like the panda, Team Yellow is comprised of blacks, whites and Asians. Later, in the water, Erik and Jamie make puppy-eyes at each other. Erik describes it as being like "Adam and Eve. Just, being in nature, hanging out." Must be a different Bible than I own, cause when I think of "being like Adam and Eve", there's only one thing "hanging out". Erik then tells Jamie he's from Virginia and she's totally cool with that. No, wait, he tells her he's a virgin (good for you Erik!), and she nearly breaks her face trying not to grimace.

At Team Denise's camp, we find out that James has a little bit of a crush on Denise. That is both a little scary and totally awesome. First Denise gushes about James' work ethic and how well they click and then James says "If she were a little younger or I was a little older, she'd be in trouble." James, the Mack Daddy Crocodile Dundee of Grave Diggers!

No Reward Challenge this weekend, instead a boat pulls up to Team Denise's camp with a note. The note says "Pick two players from Team Yellow and they will become part of your tribe." Team Denise realizes that this means they are going to lose two of their best players in a switch and everyone starts fretting about losing James, especially Jean-Robert, as he has no other friends on Team Denise. Team Denise decides to snag Frosti and Sherea because they are the quickest and best competitors from Team Yellow.

Over at Team Yellow, they get a similar note. While Team Denise realizes that this note means that they're losing two members, Team Yellow is psyched, absolutely PSYCHED that they are gaining two new members, which will "put them up" 7-5. How the camera men kept from laughing is beyond me. Team Yellow picks up James and Aaron, figuring that if they lose, they can then eliminate the two strongest players in the game.

New boats arrive at each camp. Team Denise is not surprised to see that James is on the list, or that Aaron will be going with him. James has no connection to Aaron, so he's worried about going to the new camp. Jean-Robert is almost besides himself. "This is a bad day for [Team Denise] and it's sure as hell a bad day for Jean-Robert" says the poker playing bad boy.

Back at Team Yellow, they are shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, that they do not gain 2 members, but are instead trading two players. People are sobbing as they lose Sherea and Frosti. At least they still have Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger.

As the boats pass each other, both tribes are plotting. Jean-Robert tries to get everyone on board for voting off one of the newcomers first but most people see this as an opportunity to cut Jean-Robert loose. Even Jean-Robert realizes this is what the new plan is, but he keeps trying to push his case. At Team Yellow, Peih-Gee and Jamie decide the best course of action is to throw the challenge and get rid of James and then Aaron. Because, you know, when the producers have suddenly HANDED you the two best players in the game, the smart thing to do is to squander that. Peih-Gee feels that she's playing for the future though, as if they merge at 10, they will be 5 on 5 for tribe members instead of 7-3. It always surprises me how certain people are about when a merge will happen, as the show always screws with it. One year there was no merge, because Ian and Tom wiped the other team off the map. Other years they've merged at 11 or 9, or 8. So this is potentially shooting themselves in the foot.

Team Yellow wants to throw the challenge, but with James and Aaron on your side, is that even possible? Let's find out at-

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!
Two people will race out to a floating dock. One at a time they dive into the water and pull out wooden polls that are trapping the 12 signs of the Chinese zodiac in a cage. Once all 12 signs have floated to the top, you throw them in a boat, swim it back to shore and then the other three people will put the pieces where they go. Amanda and a phosphorescent tongue depressor both sit out for Team Denise. Oh, wait, that's Courtney. Gak. Seriously, I fear her shoulder blades are going to poke through her skin.

Aaron and Erik go out to get Team Yellow's pieces, Jean-Robert and Frosti for the other side. Jamie is already making it obvious she doesn't care by yelling "Take your time! Rest if you need to!" to which James tells her to hush up. Erik, however, is not in on the game throwing, and he and Aaron get the pieces out quickly and gain a sizable lead over Team Denise. Jean-Robert seems to collapse off the float on their trip back and almost sinks all of his pieces back into the water.

Things look good for the new Team Yellow but the Step-sisters won't be denied. Jamie throws one of the pieces behind the puzzle so it's hidden, and then the two of them proceed to laugh and lollygag their way through the challenge until Team Denise not only catches but passes them, winning the challenge.

Back at camp James is ticked, and rightfully so. He chews out both Peih-Gee and Jamie, who are still trying not to laugh in his face. Aaron figures out something must be up and they send Erik to find out. Erik is not happy to find out that they threw the challenge, but Jamie has boobs, and she may some day let Erik see them, so it's not like he's going to turn on them. James and Aaron both know they're sunk, they just don't know who will go first at-

TRIBAL COUNCIL
Probsts almost immediately calls the girls on throwing the challenge. "I've been around a few times, and it looked like you didn't care if you won," he says. Did you throw the challenge he asks? "Yes sir," replies Jamie. This only makes James more annoyed and he says they may as well get rid of him now. So they go to vote.
Peih-Gee. James. Ja-Aaron? Huh that's... Aaron again? Well I can't- AARON! And out of nowhere, Aaron is gone!

BONADUCE SLAM!

And so begins the great Survivor: China screw job. Proving once again, that just like in real life, if you are good at what you do, if you are strong or smart, people will dislike you for it and they will do their best to take you down.

ELIMINATED
Chicken (Yellow)
Ashley (Yellow)
Leslie (Denise)
Dave (Yellow)
Aaron (Denise)

NEXT WEEK!
Racing through buildings! Being lucky the hidden Immunity Idol isn't a Bear! And Eating! Says Denise "GLARARRRRRAARRRAAAAAA!!!!"

Star Worz

MOSES, MOSES, MOSES

A NEW BIT

THAT'S SOME GOOD ADVERTISING, LOU

FOX Said These Guys Were Hacks

HE'S MORE A BASEBALL KINDA GUY

DO NOT ROCK THE VOTE

THREE DAYS WELL SPENT

SORRY KYRA

QUESTION

NATURE

26 YEARS!

I THOUGHT MAGIC WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY, LIKE A CLOWN. NOT SCARY, LIKE A CLOWN.

LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED

UMMM... YEAH

WORZALA'S WORD

HAMM FROM THE LAND OF SKY BLUE WATERS

FORCE FED UP

ALOHA GARBAGE

YIKES

AWESOME-O

TERROR ALERT LEVEL: WTF

IN HAWAII THIS WOULD BE AN AWARD WINNING POST

NOT GONNA HAPPEN

TRYING TO PAY WITH CASH

PUMP- PUMP IT UP!

SURVIVOR: FANS VS FAVORITES FINALE

SURVIVOR

BURY ME WITH MY RIBBON

*POOF* THERE IT IS!

SURVIVOR

LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN OF AWESOME

SURVIVOR

SURVIVOR

CATCHING SOME RAYS

HANSON

SURVIVOR

SURVIVOR

FLOCKING NEWS

THE PROMISED LAND

THE FRIENDLY SKIES

OPENING DAY!

I AM FAIRLY INTERESTED IN BLACK PEOPLE

SPRING COMES BEFORE THE FALL

PUMP IT!

SURVIVOR

SURVIVOR

GONE BABY, GONE

YANKEES SIGNING INTENTIONS CRYSTAL CLEAR

SURVIVOR

FROZEN TEARS EVERYWHERE

SURVIVOR

NEEEEERRRRDS!!!

SURVIVOR

PRIMARY DAY

MOOOOO!!

SURVIVOR

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

SURVIVOR 2-7-08

HUCKA-YOU, HUCKA-ME, SAY IT TOGETHER, HUCKABEE

SHE'S HOLDS IT... HOLDS IT.... HOOOOOLDS IT!!

RUMBLE AT CHUCK E. CHEESE

WELLLLLLL....

SUNDAY, GREEN AND GOLD SUNDAY

A LIFE LESSON IN PICTURES

B-DOUBLE E-DOUBLE R-U-N

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG

WHEN I GROW UP TO BE A MAN

BABY IT'S POORLY COVERED OUTSIDE

OH. HELL. YES.

ALMOST NOTHING SACRED

SURVIVOR:CHINA FINALE

SURVIVOR

I'M JUST SAYING

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD SIDE NOTE

WORZALA'S WEDNESDAY WORD 12-12-07

THAT MELODY IS OFF THE CHAIN

ANGELS AND AIRWAVES

SURVIVOR

ONE LITTLE, TWO LITTLE, NO LITTLE INDIANS

POOF THERE IT IS!